Holidays... *Cries* They're Just So Hard

OK, so no one ever said that holidays were the easiest things in the world to get through, but for some reason this year is really hard for me to get through. I'm missing my aunt more than ever this year. I mean, I've been so depressed that I have been going to talk to Mrs. Clark more than I've ever talked to a counselor before. It's been really helping too. I really wish I could have talked to her before Thanksgiving break started, but she wasn't there after school yesterday and I wasn't smart enough to go during 7th hour when I first started to get upset. Heck, I even told my AP Chemistry teacher what was going on because he was leaving his room as I was walking past and he told me to have a good weekend and I was crying and he noticed, so he asked me what was wrong, so I told him. I told him that it's really hard around the holidays because it's another reminder that my aunt is no longer here.
Well, today has been going ok, I guess. I still wish that I could just go and lock myself up in my room all day and not have anything to do with anyone, but that's not going to happen.
I really miss my aunt right now. I've been trying not to cry all day. I really feel like I'm going to cry though. I can't exactly talk to Mrs. Clark any time soon seen as I don't have school until Monday. She told me last year when I talked to her on the last day of school that if I ever needed to talk and we weren't in school to e-mail her, but I'm too afraid to e-mail her for some reason. I had a hard enough time go to talk to her on my own free will about what's been going on lately on Monday when I ended up talking to her for 2 hours.
I'm gonna start to cry, but I really don't want to... I don't want anyone to know that I'm upset... enough people saw me crying yesterday.... I don't need my family knowing that I'm upset.
GOD, I MISS MY AUNT SO MUCH!!!!!
Anyways, I better get going.

~Jamie~

Aw Jamie I'm sorry you're feeling down right now. I can't really think what to say that will help you but if you could try emailing your counsellor she said that you could if you wanted so don't think you're bothering her because you won't be.

I'm sorry about your aunt as well - you said you didn't want your family to know you were upset but they might be able to help you if they know what you're feeling right now.

I hope you're feeling better soon

*big hugs* Bless your heart!! I can relate to you today. My grandfather died last year (I think I've told you before), and Thanksgiving of last year was the last time that our whole family was together, and I miss him so bad this year!!! I went to his grave today, and I just missed him so bad. It's just not the same without him!! It seems like we should ahve picked him up from the nursing home today, but instead we just went without him. It almost makes me feel guilty, but it isn't like there's anything I can do about it. I can still see him smiling, adn I just miss him so much!!

I can tell that you and your aunt must have had a really special relationship, and I'm sure she'd want you to be happy right now. Sometimes, when I miss my grandfather so bad I can't stand it, I ask God to send him a message for me. Who knows if he gets it or not. I don't know if God does that or not, but it makes me feel better to think that maybe God told him what I wanted to tell him myself.

*hugs*

Love,
element

don't be so hard on yourself Jamie......what you are feeling is very normal.....it's ok to feel sad and miss our loved ones ....especially on the holidays....it's a time to be w/ family....for some it's a time to be w/ close friends as well.....the holidays are simply all about friends and family...getting together...good times....making cherished memories no matter how big or seeminly small.......so naturally when we lose someone...no matter the circumstances...be they young or old when they died...when the holidays come around....we feel their absense from our lives more heavily then when we are just living our life from day to day.....holidays are about reflection as well as living in that moment and making new memories.

Try not to focus so much on the pain of your loss....but more so on thinking of your loved one and all the love and wonderful times you had together....remember holidays passed and what those people brought to those holidays and how that has touched your life.....it's ok to shed those tears because you are no longer able to create new memories w/ them this holiday....but it's also ok to look back on the ones you shared together and feel good about that.....to smile! And trust in your heart that they are there w/ you in spirit and sharing that day w/ you in spirit...watching over you...even though it's not the same as when they were on this earth in body....they are truly there. Maybe go off to a quiet room and just talk outloud to them...say whatever you want them to know.....you just need to believe they are right there listening to everything you have to say....no...in many senses of the word...it's not going to be a 2-way conversation ...but they can hear you. At least I believe that! And it comforts me. I lost my uncle 4 years ago December 4, to cancer. I lost another uncle 8 years ago December 30 to a massive heart attack, 7 years ago I lost my grandmother...4 years ago I lost my other grandmother....15 years ago I lost my grandfather whom I was very close w/....and 12 1/2 years ago I lost a very wonderful friend. No matter the amount of loss...no matter how they passed....each one is significant to me. Each one holds a special place in my heart....always will...no matter how many years pass on w/out them in my life. Each one is thought of ...especially on the holidays. It does get easier as time goes on. There will be less tears of heartache and sadness and in time....you'll find it easier to smile and recall happy times and just enjoy the memories for what they are. The sadness....the sense of loss...that never goes away completely. It's also something different for everyone too...and varies from one loss to another. You will never forget them....there will always be times in life where you just need to cry or it hurts so bad....but along w/ that....there will be times ahead where you can once again smile and remember the joy.

Happy Holidays.

wow, claps to angels post, that really meant somthing, i mean, well, that was really good advice, hoepfully when i loose my graqndparents, which looks like it will be soon, i will remember those words.

Hey,
Thanks you guys! I really had a tough day yesterday, but today I'm looking back on everything and just smiling because I know that deep down inside my aunt is still with me, not physically, but in my heart.
Yesterday, one of the things that I was most thankful for was that I have everyone on here and all the other boards that I belong to that I can go to in a time of need and have such caring replies and so much help from everyone!
Thanks for being here for me.

~Jamie~

Your welcome! I'm so glad you had a moment where you could reflect and just feel good!!

Moramind,

thank you. Your reply really made me feel good and it came right at a time I needed to hear something good towards me!

hahaha, wonderful!

Hey,
*sighs* Well, considering the fact that yesterday was really good... it seems like I'm back into the stupid one good day, one bad day cycle again. Today is another really bad day. I've been wanting to cry for a few hours now, but I just can't.... I can't show my weakness.... not now. *sighs*
I think I'm going to end up going and talking to my school guidance counselor again on Monday. I've been talking to her a lot lately. Considering the fact that I was really quite scared at first, I finally am able to talk to her. I went for the first time on my own will last week (all the other times my friends have had to bring me to talk to her or tell her I needed to talk to her). I know.... everyone that told me that I should talk to a counselor is going to say I told you so.... but it's really helped and made me feel better. I don't know what it is about Mrs. Clark, but she makes me feel so much better.. and she understands me a lot better than most people do. She's helped me so much this year. The first 5 or 6 weeks of the school year I was talking to her at least once a week for the most part.
*sighs* I really wish that I could make all the pain go away. I know that it will always be with me though.
I miss my aunt so much today. Tomorrow is going to be really hard too because tomorrow is when my family is getting together for our late Thanksgiving dinner. I just.... I don't know anymore.... I don't know how much longer I can do this. *sighs*

~Jamie~

yeah i can feel that christmas is going to be really tough for me already. with all my family around and happy and mingling around it is going to be hard to look happy. thanksgiving was already really hard the only time i really emerged from the basement was when it was time to eat (good food btw) but the rest of the time i was down here in the basement just typing away or playing computer games or something. i am really not looking forward to christmas this year i think that it is going to be quite unbearable. usually when i hear christmas music this time of year it gets me excited, but this year it just makes me more depressed.