what do you do...

ive suffered depression for a few years now. i did get help and it didn't do anything for me and i was still intending to carry on the therapy but there were a few mix ups and appointments ceased and i dont wanna bother people and start them again cos they all think everything is fine -- really, i dont wanna rock the boat.

a lot of the time what i do is just lay at night and think...far too much...the only option i can see is to end it all, because everything really is hopeless. i dont want to do this but i dont know what else to do.

anyway, last night was particularly bad and i sent my mate a message saying something along the lines of i dont want to kill myself but it's all i've got. i don't know what else to do. i don't know what to do. and i haven't spoken to him since. im really embarrassed about this now cos i reckon he'll just think i was being silly. i feel the same during the day only the feelings become a lot stronger at night. what should i do? i don't know what to do.

well i can explain one thing first, the feelings and thoughts become larger at night because it's been proven that at the end of the day when we are lying in bed, it when most people feel the lonliest. thats why i usually smoke a bowl before bed, to just forget. and another thing...i've felt like killing myself off-an-on for as long as i can remember....the only reason i haven't is becasue i know how much it would hurt the people in my life, like family, my lover, and a few friends. so i haven't, for their sake, and for my own at the happy times. but there are so few, the thoughts just get worse, and heavier i shall say, my best advice, get back in therapy, i can't wait to see my therapist, when i have an appointment, i'm timid and scared, btu so excited for i know it will help my soul. and i'm goign to get on meds again soon, i just can't do it all without it i've decided, maybe you should try some too, prozac works well for me, for my cousin with panic attaks, wellbutrin, well good luck and goodnight

it seems from that post that we are very similar. i dont wanna go back to therapy for a couple of reasons. 1. i dont have the courage to go back on that path after doing it last time and getting nowhere and 2. my friends and family think everything is fine with me and i dont wanna rock the boat...ill just live it out a while longer and see how things go -- if they pick up and what not. thanks for the reply

yeah, i was really scared to tell my bf that i need prazac again, but he said, good, if you need it, then take it, but i'm really scared to tell my mom, so i probably won't, i'm 19, and my pharmacy has all my info, so i could just go to the psyc, get a prescription, and get it filled without her knowing, so i guess thats what i'll do, and if your therapist didn't help, try another, their are crappy ones out there, but mines wonderful! what area do you live in? i can suggest therapists for johnson city, and chattanooga, but you prob live in like california or somthing! lol, well if you want to read more about my depression, read major depression with psychotic features on this forum, goodnight and good luck

im from ireland haha so im even further away !! but thanks for the help youve been a treat. youre very lucky you have a bf...i cant seem to hold anything like that down with how my head is working. thanks again

yeha, it's wierd, my head can work just fine, for a relationship, or friendships at least, it's everythings else that i cannot handle:( thank you, good luck, and find some treatment