Just another rant...

First off thank you for viewing my post.
There's just a lot I need to get off my chest.

I've suffered from depression, anxiety disorder, and panic attacks severely for around 9 years now. I haven't been able to hold a job due to my condition and have just been frustrated. I have been suicidal for a long time also and seriously went down that path at one point but have come to realize it's just not worth it for the misery it would cause on loved ones.

I've recently taken Neurontin (mood stabilizer) which i stopped recently because it just made me numb and i would just reach out for any emotion just to feel something and feelings I'm closest too are depressive trains of thoughts which is just not healthy. I now started taken Lamictal, another mood stabilizer, but I am worried that i could wind up feeling numb again.

I have taken various anxiety and anti-depressant medications to where I feel like I've been a guinie pig. My psychiatrist suggested i should seriously consider ECT; but the more i look into ECT it seems like it is just a temporary fix (most people relapse after six months) and has a possibility of permanent cognitive consequences, and if anything I have going for me is hand-eye and I do not even want to risk losing any ability in that area.

I have few friends, mainly because there are few people i trust and few people that truely understand hardship, yet at times I feel like they cannot completely grasp the pain that goes in my head. Research into the subject in America depression ranges from 9% to 26% so i do realize there are a lot of people that would not be able to grasp depression so i feel like i need to reach out in different ways.

My therapist is very good at her job but she never has experienced serious depression and all she knows is the experience from her many patients ( not that it is a bad thing it's just depression can be a monster in its own way) I have great respect for what she does but I do feel she would be someone I would never confide to outside of therapy so as much as she is a big part of my life right now I do feel that missing connection there.

Since i stopped taking my Neurontin and have had feelings again a lot has boiled up inside. Mainly anger but I am grateful i have such great control over it. There is just a lot of fury built up over the ignorance of people and the amount of lies people say, causing a good amount of paranoia. Even if I don't catch someones lie off the bat it is often logged in the back of my head the line that they have said and when I go to reflect I see the #######4 they have laid out to me.

I have just been feeling I have sputtering my wheels and just have been running in place. I have applied for disability so I have been waiting for that to kick in. When that does I want to take a class at a community college around here, even if its one class I would at least feel like I'm heading in one direction.

When it comes to goals I know as good as it can feel good to accomplish them but I also know they are not completely the answer to my problems and that I need to find peace within myself or else I would be chasing shadows.

While I will never go down the path of suicide again it can be very hard to keep such thoughts out of my mind which can be very taxing. I have been to an outpatient program for my depression and addiction. For a good while i was addicted to weed and was getting high 24/7 to get rid of the pain and just to dumb myself down just to enjoy even the simplest things. I have come to grip how destructive it really is and how ignorant it was to indulge in such things and not deal with my problems head on.

I guess I am just feeling lost, confused, angry, inpatient with everything I am dealing with right now.

If you read this far you get a personal medal from me for sticking it out!
Thank you for reading all of this.

Hi, Dfrench88! How about going to a support group for people with depression? What kind of class would you like to take? It sounds like a very good idea. You could also try a bit of volunteer work and maybe working out (cardio) too.
I have had depression in the past and have contemplated suicide, I'm sorry you're in so much pain. How are you doing?