Finally made an appointment

Lately I've been feeling terrible, I've always been depressed, but in the last 2-3 days I've really started losing the plot. I talk to myself a lot, I'm paranoid, so paranoid I can't sleep with the lights off at night, and I'm suicidal. But I can't ever remember a time in my life where I actually wanted to live, I just never did it because I'm scared of the pain.

This morning I thought I'd try and go to college. When I got there I was sweating and so uncomfortable in the environment that I went home ill after about 15 minutes. I don't know why I thought I could handle college, the way I've been recently. I didn't go home, I was out all day, just spending hours at a time on park benches staring at squirrels and leaves. I came home at a time that no one would notice I didn't do a full day of college.

When I left college this morning I went straight to the doctors and I made an appointment for friday. I'm a little bit worried my mum will find out. I'm also worried about talking to my doctor about it because I find talking about feelings extremely difficult because I just feel empty inside. I'm hoping to get diagnosed so I can get medication because all I can think about is how much I want to die.

Not going to college tomorrow - I am skiving and getting on a train to the capital - I need a bit of freedom, I feel so trapped in this town, my house, my life. I'm just going to have an adventure and just try to feel alive for one day... I think doing something crazy and spontaneous like this will make me feel better...

Good luck with the doctors appointment, it sounds like you need to see someone. I'm sure they'll understand about feeling empty. How was it getting out of town for a while? What are you paranoid about btw?

I've been sitting in park staring into space lately and occasionally talking to the squirrels, they're so twitchy all the time those squirrels.

Yuma wrote:Good luck with the doctors appointment, it sounds like you need to see someone. I'm sure they'll understand about feeling empty. How was it getting out of town for a while? What are you paranoid about btw?

It was amazing. Although I went with a friend who told me to trust him cus he knew all about trains and in the end he screwed up big time cus I had to fork out a load of money for the fare, paying for his as well because he didn't have enough money. Pretty much all day I trusted him and he turned out being wrong every time, he was so selfish, I don't trust anyone anyway so I don't why I trusted him. But now I know my way around I reckon I'll be able to go on my own in the future, after all I'm the only person I can trust.

But going round the city was awesome.

Doctors appointment this morning was so difficult. I wanted to run out when I was in the waiting area but I didn't. I went in and talked to my doctor and he gave me a questionnaire to do. He gave me anti depressants and is arranging for me to see a therapist. Only problem is my mum doesn't know and I don't know how to tell her. I'm nervous about the therapy but kind of looking forward to actually talking to someone that won't judge me.

And the thing I was paranoid about was that at night when the lights are off I can feel someone in my bedroom. Walking about, breathing, and watching me. Can't sleep with the lights off because of him. I did tell my mum about this. She said I can go to her if I ever get scared in the middle of the night.

Thanks for commenting

Well done for staying with the appointment

Do you feel your mum would judge you for having these difficulties and needing some help?

Sounds like your friend was being a real pain lol, hope he pays you back.

I will make sure he pays!

Yuma wrote:Do you feel your mum would judge you for having these difficulties and needing some help?

My mum's reaction could go two ways: either "you're not depressed! You're just a teenager, its just your hormones, things get better in time, that's all it needs, not pills" or "oh I had no idea you felt this way. You know you can always talk to me. Why do you feel like this? You're enjoying college aren't you? I wish you would've come to me first so we could talk."

To be honest I don't know which reaction is worse. The first one will make me feel like I was exaggerating, overreacting, that's its just hormones, and the latter will result in me having to open up all my problems to her, ending in my whole family finding out how much I hate life, self harm, and want to die. Such an embarrassment. I'm wondering if I don't have to tell her, how long I can keep her in the dark about this...

I hope you can tell her sooner or later, and get some support from her, which no doubt she'd want to give if she could. Maybe once you've had an assessment by the therapist then you would be able to show to her that it's serious. But you would only have to tell her what you felt comfortable with. You never know she might have had similar problems at some time in her life.