Suicide

This is how i've been seeing it.

Ok I'm 31 years old now.

I don't have a career, children, or even a girlfriend (haven't had one in 3 years or so, and before that it was about 6 years).
I don't even have a ######6 job, I am self employed doing computer stuff, which I hate, i've had jobs but can't keep them.

I'm a nice looking guy not ugly, a little overweight.

I have trouble paying rent alot of the time.

I was diagnosed with shcziophrenia at 16 and eversince then I have had anxiety.

First I couldn't smoke pot, then I had panic attacks when I did meth.

Ok the pot and meth I could live without.
But now I cannot drink anymore.

I have recently relasped into this $#%^ of anxieity psychosis or whatever the f*ck it is I have right now.

I ######6 hate taking risperidol, the $#%^ makes me sleeply and depressed as ###$.

Don't get me wrong I have thought about suicide for a long time.

But I mean I have no plan, nor do I plan onhaving a plan, I am thinking I am going to go thru this same $#%^ over and over again.


I am so ######6 ###$ up rightnow, I CANNOT EVEN GO OUT DRINKING WITH MY FRIENDS TONIGHT BECAUSE OF THIS $#%^ THAT SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENING TO ME.

###$ THIS ###$ THIS ###$ THIS, WHY? WHY?

I've thought about just taking my truck and getting up to 90mph or so and smashing it into the bridge barrier, you the concrete, I figure that will kill me. My preferred method would be a gun shot to the head but I don't have access to the gun.
I've thought about pills but I would hate to die a slow gasping death and I know me thatwould be pretty cuz I would gag and $#%^ and that would just dying like that.

If not suicide what I figure now I could do is ######6 get on DISABILITY (SSI) at least try, or I could go out drinking tonight with my friends and say ###$ the medication I am on, ###$ my illness, ###$ it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sounds like you feel like most people do, only they cover it all up. Life reminds me of that old soundgarden video " black hole sun" have you ever seen it? you probably have. you are about my age. I think most people go through the same feelings you are having, But most people are so two-faced that they can just put on a big phony grin to face the world with. Life is ###$ up.

hi,

You need to keep trying drugs.
Eventually you will find one that works for you.
Sometimes you initially have to put up with the side effects until your body gets used to them. I know because I have to deal with them.

You could have been writing about me, except I've never had a girlfriend.

Hang on. This is a difficult disease and of course you want to stop the pain. Who wouldn't?

Thank you for your replies

I have been taking risperidol for the extreme weird psycho anxiety that I have been having.

The risperidol helps the anxiety a bit but it seems to make me depressed and not feel like myself.

I am gonna try xanax or something else I should be getting different meds on monday.

hi,

sometimes it takes a lot of trial and error.
some doctors are more skilled than others at finding the right ones for you. keep trying.

remorseful wrote:Soundgarden video " black hole sun" have you ever seen it? you probably have.

I remember watching it all the time when I was 6 years old in 1994. Definitely one of my favorite bands.

Marijuana works for me.

If risperidol doesn't work for you, please just call your psychiatrist and ask him if you can stop it. Chances are you'll have to go through many more drugs, so once you know that one drug doesn't work, it's time to move on to the next.

I'm sorry you feel that way. It's a good thing, though, that at least you have friends.

Could there be any profession you might like?