I feel like I will never be happy

For numerous reasons I am having this feeling that I will never ever be happy, or really even content, satisfied, or even just at the point where life doesn't seem so $#%^ and hard to live. I wish I was at the point where things make more sence.

I think I just have a lot of fear and anger, and life seems so complicated.

Its late where I am, actually early in the morning, and I've stayed up past midnight, and I should asleep, but I don't want to be. If things go as they usually do, I will be asleep shortly, and I will wake up, and feel kind of $#%^ and kind of ok and won't really feel the same as I did last night.

Feeling a little better now, but still a little crappy.

EDIT:despite the shortness of this post, I wrote it over a fair amount of time. I realise the swearing really wasn't necessary.

Hey, jabba! Is there anything that helps you feel better? I used to get depressed in the evening/night too.

I don't know what makes me feel better, I guess I just block it out with things that I'm partially addicted to, or just things that I like.

I hate that feeling. And it doesn't feel like a purely biochemical depression just because i'm lacking in sleep either. It feels like its related to my real issues.

Thank you jasmin

You can get better from that kind of depression. Are you working on your issues?
You could work out a bit, go for walks and spend some time in the fresh air and sunshine if its there.

I am actually in a clinic at the moment, working on some of my issues. Thank you though jasmin.

I don't have a lot else to say.

Hey, I'm glad you're getting therapy! That is going to be helpful. You can just say anything here, if you want.

I feel very alone, even though there are so many other people around me here at my accomedation at uni. I feel like I have no social skills, and I just feel really sad. I am going to be going to bed soon, but my emotions are still bugging me. I don't know what I want and I feel like I won't make any friends here, I feel like the friends I have aren't real friends because friendship is a two way street and I don't think I put in enough. My feelings just all seem painful and I don't feel like I will cope.

I keep wishing I had a girlfriend, because I think that somehow that would make me happy. I want someone to love me, but I sometimes think I am unlovable or I don't deserve love because I wouldn't be able to return it. I just wish that I could be happy, but I don't think I know what being happy entails, and I know even people who aren't depressive don't feel happy all the time, just like I don't feel depressed all the time.

I feel wrong for calling myself depressive because I feel like it somehow adds a uncalled for value to my feelings even though I have seen a psychologist and a psychiatrist who I have talked to about it with and have had suicidal thoughts and lots of other things. I sometimes think maybe I want attension, or a reason to be sad or feel sorry for myself or something, but I don't know what I really feel. I don't trust myself either I don't think.

I feel selfish and ignorant. If I'm so bloody depressed, why do I keep doing things I take pleasure in?!

I think I need to learn that whether or not I have depression isn't what matters, what matters is what I do with how I feel. Even if I sometimes think I'm worthless, I think that matters, because I don't think I should hurt other people by acting out on my feelings, even if I still deserve to feel really really awful.

EDIT: I think I just want to FEEL normal, to FEEL like I'm a human being in my mind as well as in my body, even though I think that sounds really messed up and wierd. I feel stupid because I feel lonely, and yet, I somewhat isolate myself from people. I just think I'll never fit in.

You are a real person, this must be stressful and frightening but you will get through it. Your friends are your friends because they like and accept you. You'll probably find similar people in college.
Even depressed people do stuff they enjoy sometimes.
Do you and your friends go out? Maybe you'll meet a girl.

I rarely go out and I don't neccessarily want to. As I said I do have a huge amount of issues with social skills and such. I think I am quite an introvert and that is as much my intrinsic personality as my anxiety.

I have trouble dealing with the times when I feel so depressed that I don't want to look after myself or seek help or do the right thing aout myself, and when i feel guilty for even considering it.

At times I feel like I really hate the world I live in, and I think very negatively about it.

Last night we had the choice (I am staying in a so called 'hall of residence' near the university I am going to) bowling or a organised party that was on. I got the impression of course that the party could involve a fair amount of drinking and partying in a sence that I was neither used to or comfortable with, and I ended up going bowling. I felt angry at the attitude of my peers as I percieved it due to what they were saying about the party, and in my head I found myself calling them idiots. I felt alone though. I saw people going that I thought I respected, and felt a little bit of contempt for them, thinking "why would you do this to yourself, you idiots. You have such a ignorant view of life."

I think I will never find anyone that will live up to my rediculous standards of 'worth while', and I think I put those same standards on myself, and so I feel like a failure.

Yah it does sound like you hold people and yourself to a high standard. Maybe it's to avoid feeling rejected and getting hurt?