Dying sense

I am often depressed, I have suicidal thoughts, bad dreams, I cut myself. I think suffer will never go away, even if I kill myself(though i tried to do it). its simply eternal and this word "eternal" comes to my head all the time-honestly, it scares me. As I sad, this is often, but not always. However, this blackness, depression, hopeless visions lurk deep within me at all times. Sometimes I feel life to be some kind of virus and I hate my corporal existence ... I hate my living flesh to be what it is, a living virus created to torture. By this post I would like to point out: I don't use any meds, I think its pointless. It will NOT make you better, it will make you FEEL better. Eventually, meds can make a life longer for some time, BUT, the thoughts wont go away. They will come back sooner or later. Also, the things wont change. Everybody speaks of finding right person, love and so forth. Like its something natural for everyone. Well, how can I know that I wont die alone, that I will not spend my whole worthless life ALONE? I am only 17years old, but that doesnt mean I will find hapiness or satisfication in next 17 or next 71 years. Nothing makes sense.. At the moment I can hear thunder outside.. whetever I like it or not, my deepest thought is "if only this would kill me and end my ######6 meaningless life". I admire Nature, and Im trying to live in accordance with it, but if I die right now Nature will not remember my name, that I ever existed..
Anyway, thank You for attention...

hi Sad Spirit

i refuse to use the u word

i know what you mean about being alone (you can look up my thread a while ago) so your not that alone.

what you have to do is find the things that makes you happy evey ne has things that make tham happy i always feel good after watch the breakfast club for example.

I once felt you you do. I wanted to kill myself everyday. I did not feel that I was good at anything--just a big loser. People often made fun of the way I spoke because I had a serious speech defect. I thought that I would die alone.

Well, I'm glad that I did not kill myself, my life eventually got better, then beyond my wildest dreams. Many people feel as you do. Just read this forum for a few days, and you will hear about many sad lives.

I admire your courage at facing life without pills and drugs. I had to be on medication for many years, but I've been off of meds for my depression and anxiety for many years--so it can be done.
Good Luck,
Jim S

one thing, I'm not sure if the pills will just make you feel better.
some of them make it less likely that you get depressed in the future.

Once I got treated for depression,
I found that my memory improved, my eyesight got better (able to perceive colors better), I could smell things better, and my reflexes were stronger too. So my whole body was "healthier". They have measured this, memory exercises, word recall.
. I noticed this after ECT and machines they put me on.
The other thing, all of those dark feeling were gone. I wanted to live again.

I'm not taking any position. You know yourself better than anyone else.