what is wrong with me?

Hello......My....name is Amanda....and I am 17........for...a...long time....I been feeling depressed.......I never really feel happy about anything........I have no friends......I have a boyfriend.....but with my feelings....it seems to be destroying that relationship.......figured it would.........I dont expect anything to go right for me.........Ever snice I was 12....I had strange thoughts....Like...I feel ...someone...is always watching me......reading my mind........I take a shower and all that in the dark.....cuz I feel .....always....someone is watching me.....I have lots of thoughts...of killing.......I wont go in to detail becuz its very graphic.....Sometimes....I think of it...as revenge..........other times......I think of it...for fun...like it is a game to me....................................I even thought of killing my parents.....and at times....I really felt I could......the reason why I didint.....is cuz I dont want to go to jail....................................Alot of times....I look...at pictures...of real people....that are murdered....and commited suicide.......I look at the most disturbibg pictures I can find...........and it doesint bother me......Last year my grandma and grandpa died....I knew them...all my life.....spent alot of time with them........when they died.......i didint cry.............It didint bother me at all...............................I feel.....dead.............I dont feel like...Im..liveing in reality.......................................................................Lately...I been.....crying everyday....most of the day.....for what reason....I dont know.....................I....always think of suicide...........I cut myself.................................When think of suicide....I think of diffrient ways to kill myself...........I sit...In my room...and cry...holding a butcher kinfe......I have knives...hidden...all over in my room...................I been drunk....a few times....I was drunk........but i still felt depressed.............I dont expect anything in life.....I dont believe in a future......I dont even know why I am still alive...........I dont see the point in liveing at all.......Liveing for me......is a waste of time..............

hi amanda

your not the only one to feel these feelings

and the thoughts of murder are not that uncommon every one has thought about killing at one point or another (i went through a phase where i thought about how jack the ripper is so famues hes even got his own movies and if i went on a killing sprea could i become fameus)

The looking at disturbing picturs is not that bad after all sites like rotton.com stay running because of people go on the site so your not alone.

Getting drunk dose not mke you happy, its the things you do and the people you talk to when your drunk that make you happy.

now onto the knifes. just collect all the knifes and put them in the bin. They arnt making you feel any better.

I dont expect anything in life.....I dont believe in a future......I dont even know why I am still alive...........I dont see the point in liveing at all.......Liveing for me......is a waste of time..............

I cant help you with this one you need to find somthing (or someone) that makes you want to continue everyone has something

and lastly you shuld talk to some one i know you metioned that you have no friends but you have a boyriend or you could talk to some one over the internet there are thousands of sites devoted to helping people make friends. id give you my email but ill only turn out to be a 47 year old truck driver that lures girls of the internet to my love shack in the woods.

This story sounds very familiar indeed, as it is very similar to my problems, homicidal thoughts seem to be all that's on my mind.....I know how you feel hun, and as a guy in the same boat, it's very hard to give you hope, but know that I have had bouts with depression, and come outta 'em the winner, things do get better, and life will look up, that I am sure of, jus' keep the faith and hope goin', and no matter how dark things get, always remember that it won't be like this forever, I thought that the homicidal $#%^ I went thru was alien and abnormal, but now as you and I can both appreciate, that's not the case, infact, I 'spose with depression, you can go many ways, because when your ill, your vulnerable, and these thoughts will come more often then and seem right to you, as they do to me, and your lack of sympathy is a true symptom too, 'cause I have it......good luck with everything, I hope it turns out well for you, as i'm sure it will

again, this story sounds familiar to me. i have felt and do feel like this quite often. it comes and goes and it's nice to know there are other people who experience the same thing, however, the thought of the others the same doesn't help me any at 4am when im on my own in my house and can think about nothing else only how much i dont want to be here....aren't any of you the same? i don't mean to burst anyone's bubble or put down anyone's hopes but i'm just being honest. these people are nice to talk to here and can offer support but unless they are right beside me every hour that im in the downer, they are of no use to me....