The light grows dimmer.

I am just reeling from another 'blackout' and I just can no longer stand to have every day under a loaded gun. It has been a very tough last couple of weeks, and it is as if the world is gradually turning upside down. Every day seems to blur by, and I am falling back on almost everything. Except I only watch as the crust beneath begins to disintegrate. I feel as if I am walking, blindfolded, off the plank. I get a lot of 'blackouts', I cannot quite recall what I was doing, except I was literally being torn apart in an erupting volcano. It all lapsed, and I only feel remorseful and am overflowing with sorrow. For many years, I was thrown in the dark, for being 'cowardly', or "Not knowing what real suffering was." and haven taken the words to heart. Maybe I am just someone who could not be as brave as others were, I have always had the game as a "No-win scenario" for me. It was how no matter how I hard I had tried, I was just turned away, again, and again. There was always something where I could never have had anyone ask or talk to me. Or was it the other answer all along, "If you feel unwanted, then why try to join in the first place? Does anyone think I like the gunfire only I can see? Or was I just another 'weak person', who could not have handled the truth, after all?

Hi,

I'm glad you're reaching out as it sounds like you're in an extremely dark and lonely place.

I don't think you're "cowardly"- it takes courage to reach out and ask for support, and whoever said that you "don't know real suffering..." was clearly very wrong. Suffering is suffering- it's not a competition- and you obviously have a lot of inner turmoil right now.

I'm really sorry about the blackouts- I can't even begin to imagine how frustrating and scary it would be to have them time and time again. To be honest, I don't really know much about blackouts (sorry). If you aren't doing so already, I think it's a good idea to talk to a professional (eg psychologist or psychiatrist) about ways (eg medication and/or therapy?) to deal with the blackouts.

You mentioned a loaded gun (sorry, I'm not sure if you meant a metaphorical or literal gun), but either way, it does worry me. If you're really struggling to cope- and it certainly does sound like you're in a lot of pain- please talk to someone. A doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist, counsellors that operate mental health hotlines, etc could really help you.

Please take care.