How do I support my boyfriend?

Hi, everyone -

This is my first post and I joined this forum because I wanted to get some advice. I've been doing a lot of research online, but all I keep coming up with is the clinical stuff - the diagnoses, the symptoms, the treatments, etc., which is great, but it doesn't really help me understand how to help my boyfriend.

He has schizotypal tendencies with major depressive episodes and avoidant personality disorder. As for me, I am the opposite - steady as she goes. As you can imagine, it has put a lot of strain on our relationship (It's still *fairly* new - at least for something like this) as I try to understand his condition and learn ways to communicate with and support him. It's tough. I try to be as patient and understanding as possible. I understand that I will sometimes not hear from him for a few days when he's in one of "those" moods and withdrawn or not "wanting to dump his crap" on me. I understand that his chronic headaches and stomach pains mean he never feels good. I understand that when he's having a major depressive episode (which he's in now), I can forget about making plans or being spontaneous - it's hard enough to get him out of bed. I understand he likes his routine because it gives him a sense of security, so I am okay with simple, quiet nights with him. I understand he's as liable to push me away as he is to want me. I understand he's never going to be talkative. And I understand that social situations are his idea of hell on Earth and I am learning to not take his actions and avoidance and anxiety personally.

When he's having a good spell and is feeling communicative and isn't so insular, he's so appreciative of me and the support I give him. But when he hits bottom, I've also had to talk him off the proverbial ledge - he has told me more than once he has thought about suicide. Regularly. The problem is, I've had to learn a lot of this on my own - it's not like there's a manual for loving someone with a personality disorder (or a few). And it's often hard for him to articulate to me exactly what he needs.

So I decided to come to you guys, those of you who also have major depressive episodes and ask you - if YOU were/are in a relationship with someone, what could/can your significant other do to really help support you and communicate with you? I love this man very much and, while this is the most challenging relationship I've ever been in and sometimes it gets overwhelming, it's also so much more rewarding than any I've been in. I want to make sure I'm being the best support I can be for him.

Do you have any advice, speaking from your own experience? I'd really appreciate it.

Bit of hypothetical, since I've never been in a romantic relationship, but if I look at depressive periods I had and how some familiy members reacted on it, I was always most happy when they just continued their lives, and don't have worried looks all the time, at the same time knowing that I can trust them not to abandon me.

Thank you. I'm learning that's the best situation, too. I can be a bit of a mother hen, because it hurts my heart to see someone else hurting, especially someone I love so much. But he's pretty independent and dislikes feeling pitied (Though it's not pity; it's love, but that's another story). I appreciate it.

This is coming from someone who has suffered severe depression and been hospitalised. I'm married with children and have family and friends yet I felt so alone, it was like no one really cared when I was really down and needed support.

What I would have liked was lots of hugs, arms around me letting me know that they were by my side to get me through this no matter what they had to do. To be a back-up spokes person really pushing my points of view when the doctors don't think you're capable of having an opinion on what's helping you or not. I would have loved people to visit me so I knew they cared, even a phone call if they were really busy or a card, just something to show they still think you're important and they love you. People to really listen to you which goes then with the back-up to doctors.

As you can tell I had none of that just my husband and kids when it fit around work as he still had to work, but when he was there he listened with one ear only and never spoke up for me when I was a real mess. Only some family came and that was once only in an 8week period and no one ever rang me. It really showed me you can't in trust in your family and friends (luckily I have new friends now I can count on, but it's mutual as they know I'll always be there for them as well.)