no hope left - only want to watch tv, surf net and eat alone

I am 41 never married and have been going through a second or third round (after feeling pretty good for about 4 or year) of depression for almost a year now that started right after another breakup. But it seems really different this time...I am really scared I am not going to make it through my depression successfully. Meaning that I do not even have the urge to ever socialize again primarily. I don't want to ever date again. I don't even want to have to talk to friends ever, much less do something with them. I still do talk to them some but really just out of guilt and the inability to come up with a good excuse for why I can never even speak on the phone. But I have managed for months now to mostly avoid any socializing by lying that I have other obligations with friends other than whoever is trying to get me out. Even though I doubt that I would ever bother to kill myself, I just have no more desire or hope at all for anyhing really, despite ongoing therapy and medication. I just do not want to interact anymore. Other than work (where I have also really isolated myself from the social aspects) I really do not want to leave my house anymore. I just want to be left alone to watch tv, read, overeat, get fat, drink enough wine (a couple of glasses) each night to get to sleep, and surf net to order anything I might need so that I do not have to go anywhere if possible. Logically I know that I should just do things (and I am certainly lucky enough to have the opportunities) but I cannot get past the lack of desire and my ever increasing contentedness to just live my life this way instead. And I am guessing that if I keep this up, it will just continue to get easier and easier, although right now I still do have some feelings or thoughts that I probably "shouldn't" be doing this, but that doesn't get me farther than telling myself I will start over tomorrow or next week, which of course never comes.

I am at a loss...

melmel wrote: Meaning that I do not even have the urge to ever socialize again primarily.

i feel the same way. i am isolated and withdraw into myself, which closes people out.

melmel wrote:. Even though I doubt that I would ever bother to kill myself, I just have no more desire or hope at all for anyhing really, despite ongoing therapy and medication.

i believe this is called apathy, and i feel you on this one too.

melmel wrote: I really do not want to leave my house anymore. I just want to be left alone to watch tv, read, overeat, get fat, drink enough wine (a couple of glasses) each night to get to sleep, and surf net to order anything I might need so that I do not have to go anywhere if possible. Logically I know that I should just do things (and I am certainly lucky enough to have the opportunities) but I cannot get past the lack of desire and my ever increasing contentedness to just live my life this way instead.

mel, i do this exactly the same way... i'm 19 and although i desperately need a job, i feel that i'm far too ill and weakened to commit myself to work. i would never leave my house if i could help it, with the exception of going to see my parents. i often sit in my apartment for days at a time without even opening the curtains. i am disturbed by my content with this situation, but it is comforting to me to see that others have these same concerns.


please feel free to pm me if you need someone to talk to, i'm happy just to listen.

take care of yourself.
xox

When did you break-up? What happened?

You are entitled to enjoy being left alone to watch TV, to read, to overeat, to drink wine, and to surf the net....Too right! However, you cannot be thinking that things will never improve again. During the course of the day you have to at least once stumble upon some thought that is positive. You need to latch onto that thought - grab the friggin thing and don't let go....


....You got it? Think for a while. What positive thought can you condure in your mind? Take it for a ride. Give it air....Give yourself air dammit!......and breath.


...Are you honestly telling me that you are content with the way you are living right now?

Please understand I mean no offense, but I'm a bit spooked you see. I see myself a lot in what your described, just older... I was always afraid I would be just like you are later in life but always figured I'm young, its years away and will never happen. "I'll eventually find someone and be happy" I would tell myself. After reading your post I see that I just better force myself, like it or not, to get up and do something with my life. I am horribly content to just sit around, get fat, read, play video games and surf the net. Thankfully social interaction with my friends is still a positive distraction on me, but one of my friends sounds like a carbon-copy of you and now that I think about it mabey I should be a better friend for him and encourage him to live a bit more. It my be hypocritical in doing so but perhaps sharing encouragement with another will help me pull out of my rut. So, my advice to you melmel, mabey you could focus your apathy on trying to improve the life of another? A friend, relative or even a housepet? I try to set my goals low so I can feel like I have achieved small victories instead of setting them high and always feeling like I'm so far away from achieving anything. Possibly this will work for you too, deciding one day you will read that book in a park instead of in your house. Perhaps you can go to a mall for an hour and watch people go by, observing from a safe distance.

Just-in-time wrote:So, my advice to you melmel, mabey you could focus your apathy on trying to improve the life of another? A friend, relative or even a housepet?

This is great advice and is exactly what these forums are about. It is about sufferers giving back advice to people who are asking for help. Sometimes it is quite easy to change from being the 'sufferer'... ...to being the 'sufferer and helper' all in one.


You must try it.

Hi melmel,

Sounds like with each relationship that hasn't worked out that you have become more discouraged and feel that you'll never find someone with whom you can have a lasting relationship. I'm wondering if you have things that get in the way of you having a successful relationship. Are you choosing to be with someone where it isn't going to work out? Do you know?

I have had significant losses in several areas of my life. This is the 4th major bout of depression I've had. It has hit much harder and longer than the other 3. Evidently, every time depression re-occurs it's harder to come out of it.

Sounds to me (the social withdrawl) (which I know so well) is a symptom of depression. It is amazing how much depression can affect how you perceive every part of your life. You can lose your confidence in your ability to work, or be a good friend, mother, spouse or whatever.

I also think it's important to remember that there is a very real physical component to depression. You may feel pretty exhausted or agitated. I know I have. I've had days when watching tv took way too much energy and seemed quite pointless.

You probably need to take it easy and watch tv. I am wondering if you are seeing a therapist and if you have tried different antidepressants. Personally, I think that medication in combination with talk therapy is the most beneficial. I bet that you would find talking with a therapist helpful.

There are many antidepressants available and now they are being prescribed in combinations.

Sounds to me like you really need to talk to a dr. and tell him/her that you are not improving and try other meds.

Hope this helps.

melmel wrote:I am 41 never married and have been going through a second or third round (after feeling pretty good for about 4 or year) of depression for almost a year now that started right after another breakup.

I'm 33 and never married. I'm on my 2nd major depressive episode in 18 months which was preceded by what I would describe as dysthymia (although I never sought treatment for it at the time).

melmel wrote:But it seems really different this time...I am really scared I am not going to make it through my depression successfully. Meaning that I do not even have the urge to ever socialize again primarily. I don't want to ever date again. I don't even want to have to talk to friends ever, much less do something with them. I still do talk to them some but really just out of guilt and the inability to come up with a good excuse for why I can never even speak on the phone. But I have managed for months now to mostly avoid any socializing by lying that I have other obligations with friends other than whoever is trying to get me out. Even though I doubt that I would ever bother to kill myself, I just have no more desire or hope at all for anyhing really, despite ongoing therapy and medication. I just do not want to interact anymore. Other than work (where I have also really isolated myself from the social aspects) I really do not want to leave my house anymore. I just want to be left alone to watch tv, read, overeat, get fat, drink enough wine (a couple of glasses) each night to get to sleep, and surf net to order anything I might need so that I do not have to go anywhere if possible. Logically I know that I should just do things (and I am certainly lucky enough to have the opportunities) but I cannot get past the lack of desire and my ever increasing contentedness to just live my life this way instead. And I am guessing that if I keep this up, it will just continue to get easier and easier, although right now I still do have some feelings or thoughts that I probably "shouldn't" be doing this, but that doesn't get me farther than telling myself I will start over tomorrow or next week, which of course never comes.

I can relate completely. I've felt this way on many occasions over the past couple years.