Living with unusual depression

Hey everyone. I'm new to these forums, as I've recently admitted to myself I suffer from depression and rather then find a counselor, shrink, or "treatment center" to assist me I decided to try this community out. The handle "Just-In-Time" is simply a play on my name rather then holding any meaning in itself, however I usually stick to fictional names and names of characters I like from music, books and games, so this is a small step for me I guess. It isn't some fictional character living with depression, it's me.

I'm sorry for the ramble. I may be assuming a bit much when I think anyone here wants to hear about my life but it seemed like the proper place and if nobody takes an interest or wants to share any experiences then just ignore me completely, I'm used to it. At any rate, on to my topic.

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Currently listening to: Crossfade - Colors

I had origionally written a much longer story but on second thought I'll spare all of you my venting and just sum it up. An unwanted bastard child, my mother didn't even know my fathers name. Lived in a poor neighborhood and was, even at that young an age, beaten up and mocked by other children for no real reason. Sent to live with grandparents at 4. Thrown into "sbh" (severe behavior handicap) classes from 1st untill 6th grade because in kindergarden I was a class clown who constantly acted up to get some form of positive acknowledgement from my peers.

At 9 I was thrown away like trash from my grandparents into foster homes because the worst thing I had ever done to date (egged a neighbor's house) triggered my grandfathers temper. So, from home to home I went, being picked on, beat up, molested, and treated like nothing more then a paycheck from children's services. Had 2 or 3 (I forget exactly) epileptic seizures between 9 and 11, though I responded to medication and they stopped. By 11 my grandparents had realised they were sorry for letting me go and after a long battle got custody of me again.

When I reassimilated into regular classes by the start of 7th grade I was still a bit immature and made the mistake of telling someome in my class that I thought girls were yucky and didnt like them. I was and still am way too nieve and I had no idea that while I was thinking "cooties and annoying behavior", he was thinking "homo". So I get named "fruitcake" and it stuck all the way into high school. Constantly beat up, picked on, etc etc, I withdrew into myself. I didnt even realise what fruitcake meant untill the next school year and nothing I could say or do would stop them from having their fun, even though I was quite strait.

By.. uhhh... 14 I think, my grandmother began suffering stomache cancer. She had half of her stomache removed and withered away to a frail nothing. By the time I was 16 she had died in the hospital, but I had steeled myself against it coming and never even visited her. I knew what to expect from life by now. At 16 I also started chatting online through mIRC, and it was so much easier to roleplay in the fantasy-themed channels or pretend to be a girl or anything I wanted to be. Anything but me. Unfortunately, the one person online I confided most in and honestly beared my soul to untill I was 18 died of liver cancer.

I nearly flunked out of school, as I put no steady effort into anything, but thanks to summer school and a habit of mine to ignore classes but read the books and perform somewhat well on tests let me graduate on time by the skin of my teeth. Grandpa offered me a free ride through school, and into DeVry technical institute I went. But within 6 weeks I had stopped even trying, and skipped classes constantly. I finally found a way out and joined the army. 3 months later I was discharged for having asthema. Been jumping from crappy job to job ever since, really not acomplishing anything. Oh, and naturally I'm 6' tall and an unhealthy 240 lbs. I just don't care anymore.

Anyway, sorry for the novel, but I figured a little background info now would save me the trouble later and mabey help anyone interested to understand me a bit better. The reason I call my depression unusual is because I've finally linked a few of my problems togeather. My complete lack of effort in most things and my activity as a youth seems to be attributed to ADHD, and the first hint of depression I felt was when I was 11 and reading through the bible, reading about how we will all die and I cried myself to sleep, knowing I would eventually loose everyone that meant anything to me and finally die myself. Typical adolescent garbage right? Not to me. So, back to present-day, combine a mild-to-moderate case of ADHD with depression and what happens? Took me untill yesterday to figure it out. In my case (and perhaps in a most unhealthy way) they work to cancel each other out. You see, I did so to see a councilor from 12-16 but it never amounted to anything because I just spent our time playing checkers, cards, pool, whatever. Anything to distract him from me and my issues (and I believe he finally gave up on me). I've never been diagnosed with either ADHD or depression and I've never taken medication for either to the best of my knowledge.

Depression tries to bring me down and dwell constantly on my dark side and how much life sucks, but ADHD means that I have a hard time focusing my interest on anything for great periods of time and I am easily distracted. I can focus but only with the greatest effort, and I'd rather not bother putting effort into much of anything when it's all pointless. Thus my depression has caused me to mellow out and "calm down", loosing almost all outward appearances of acting under ADHD, while ADHD has caused me to loose interest in even my deepest sorrow after a couple days, mabey after I get into a good book, buy a new game, or get otherwise distracted signifigantly. After I reflect upon it I know my depression is still there, but it sort of... goes back to sleep in the back of my mind, waiting to come out again. During this time I'm not happy, but I am blissfully unaware of any of my problems.

Also.. I think after all this time I like being depressed. It's sure and sound. It will always be familiar and it will always be there. It may differ in it's intensity but to me it like going to a movie for a good cry. Just recently I had almost forgotten what it was like to feel greatly depressed but I read a story online that resonated within my soul and reminded me about it all. I wasn't happy or joyfull before, I was just subconsiously not focusing on my depression. Like a pot put on the back burner to stay warm. It was still there, it could still be felt and it still kept me generally down, I just wasn't aware of it, as I had been readin several novels, seeing movies, playing games, general escapism that worked to keep me occupied. ADHD remember? I didn't have to focus on anything that wasn't specifically on my mind at the time, even though I could have many things and thoughts going through me at once constantly.

So.. This isn't exactly the whole picture, as I've left out plenty of stuff but it is enough to show you guys the picture and get the drift of my topic across. It seems so much easier to just take advantage of the odd way my problems work to cancel each other out. I can't say I'm happy but I just pulled back from the edge of a 3 day bout of the worst depression I've had (suicidal depression, experienced only once before when I was 18). I really wanted to die, and all I could tell myself was that I was a worthless piece of trash that deserved every pain, every stumble, every bad thing and more. I didn't deserve to waste oxygen that other people in the world needed to breate or food that other people needed to eat.

When I was 18 I tried to kill myself (I had thought about it since I was 16 and took 2 years to finally try). I was, naturally, an idiot who though 2 full bottles of 400mg advil would save me the trouble of waking up. It was a weekend and I forced myself to stay up untill I was very tired and ready to sleep the minute I layed down. I took all the pills then went right to sleep. I woke up the next morning (unfortunately) and spent the whole day puking up yellow bile. Yeah, lovely. Out of that attempt I damaged my stomache a bit (lets just say my stomache went from iron-clad to sensative, but not damaged per-se) and an unusual immunity to the effects of advil. Later I looked up in an old medical journal of my grandmothers that the ingredients in the medicine are "safe" for the stomache and I probably couldnt have ODd even if I had taken 10 bottles of the stuff. Today do I look back on that and thank god I'm still alive and mock my earlier foolishness? No I don't. I really don't care about much of anything anymore and I've become good at going through the motions of life. I distract myself constantly with books, games, moves and whatever else I can use to hold my attention. I've never interviewed a doctor about any of my conditions but I believe from my own personal study and experience that I'm not bi-polar. I don't shift moods quickly, eradicly, or inexplicably, I can think about multiple things at once, even if they are unrelated topics, and respond mentally to my own arguments as I develop them. Unfortunately, doing so usually requires more effort then I care to expend. The school I went to when I was 10 told me I tested for an IQ of 210. Yeah right, I say. Barely passed high school and dropped out of college. Can't focus extensivly on anything including the depression I've been suffering since 12.

I'm sorry for going on so long. And I read the rules, I honestly would tell this stuff to any stranger whom inquired. I really don't care if my dirty laundry is out in the air though frankly the anomly of the internet allows me to be braver then I would normally be.

Reading around the boards a bit I actually do notice a similarity in what I described and bipolar, but I was told once in school that first year psyche students get their hands on the descriptions and symptoms of so many mental illnesses that many of them start self-diagnosing themselves with half of the books glossary. Each of our minds are unique, yet most of us share certain thoughts from time to time and I really do think I'm more accurate in calling what I experience as ADHD + depression then bipolar. It goes back to me claiming I can consider more then one side of an argument at a time, and no I don't have multiple personalities. Mabey I'm just in denial but I think I'll stop reading across the boards before I convince myself I have more problems then I'm willing to face.

Fortune cookies, horroscopes and mental illness could all apply to anyone desperate to understand themselves, in my opinion.

Hey, about the IQ thing. You barely passed high school but think about it - The subjects we learn in school are broad and varied. I'm sure you have a specific area of interest that you could excel in. What did you do in college?


Are you living alone currently? You clearly think about your past a lot and try to 'solve' it. That's good, and keep it up so long as it does not begin to stress you.


What else was I going to say...Oh yes - Your post was unusual in that you seemed not so much to be in a deep depression but rather you seemed to be mellow. It was like you accepted your life for the way it is.


Tell me how things are. What age are you? i'm Kevin and I live in Ireland.

Hi Chucky. To answer your questions, I took a business in computer technoligy degree from DeVry, but in the computer class it felt like I was being humored rather then educated. At any rate, I only stuck it out for a little while before I lost interest.

I am living with a room mate who also happens to be my best friend. He even went into the army under my name to give me a boost in rank. Unfortunately he didn't make it because they diagnosed him as being manic depressive. He is similar to me in that as long as he is signifigantly distracted (we play computer and video games togeather) he is the happy friend I know, but as soon as something stressfull or depressing washes over him he gets in his car and drives around to be alone. According to him the only thing he thinks about the whole time is driving his car off a bridge and ending his own life. I try to help him when I can but I throw all of my problems behind me when I do, so I never really solve anything of my own and (I have tried before) talking about my own problems and my own conditions to him irritates him or in worst case triggers a manic eppisode in him. Thus I keep my problems bottled in, excluding this forum.

As for being mellow and having accepted my life for the way it is, I suppose your right. I never get my hopes up because I feel why bother? I brainstormed the exact way I feel at times, that is to say words to describe it, and the comparison I came up with was a ladder. I always stay at the bottom rung of the ladder because if I think I am about to fall off I can just step down, and if I don't see something coming that knocks me off, who cares, I only have one run to fall. If I were to climb that ladder not only would I be risking falling from a greater height but I would also risk loosing my current stability.

I'v lived with depression in varying degrees now for 13 years (I'm 25 years old now) and the only thing I've accepted is that depression seems to be a part of who I am, a stable, solid, constant variable. As I said I had just chosen to live with it rather then do anything or see anyone for guidance but a few days ago I read a tear-jerker online that somehow brought my depression back to front and put me in a 3-day lapse of suicidal depression. I was worthless and didnt eat, drink, experience joy, talk to anyone, etc. All I did to "entertain" myself was go online and search the web for quick painless suicide methods, and though I hated myself and the pain my existance seems to bring everyone, I let it go no further then that. It dawned on me to just study those suicide methods and surely enough, after a couple hours of being engrossed in them I was distracted enough, and willing to go see a movie with my room mate. After the movie I found it harder and harder to lapse back into that familiar suffering, as if I had to force it and fake it, so I just receded into more of a.... meloncholy? Anyway, I'm not stupid, but I do come from a grandfather who is very very stubborn (I'm a tauros yay bull-headed), and I am too. I've had people give me the best advice but I was so stuck on a certain path I ignored it.

After this many years of wallowing in mysery I've become so used to it that I just keep my hopes down constantly so when it comes back or I fail in something I'm not suprised or shocked, but more mentally prepared. It is a miserable mental defense mechanism of mine. Compare depression to love for a moment. During the "honeymoon" of each true relationship people tend to go way overboard. They are lost in the feelings and driven by infatuation. In a healthy relationship, after a time, infatuation settles down and a more sturdy love forms. It is thus to my depression. I had periods of deepest sorrow where I just wanted to end it all and wouldn't listen to any reason then after awhile they just faded into something that lives on to this day, only coming out when triggered, but always there and always eating me alive.

Thanks for replying back. I can relate to what you say in a few ways and that's helpful for me.


I like the way you describe being on the bottom rung of the ladder. You kind of relate back to that in your last paragraph by saying that you just keep your hopes down constantly. I feel this has triggered the 'being mellow' thing. If anything, being mellow is a sign of us getting better for we are better able to control our mood swings by simply staying in a constant mood and not drifting too far away from it.


Are you enjoying your current living arrangements? What age is your room-mate? Where re you working now?

My current living arrangement is that of my grandfather's house. After a few years alone he found someone else and re-married. I hardly blame him, he had been married for 50-some years and knew no other way to live. He moved down to Mississippi and let me stay here for the time being, so long as I upkept the place, payed all the utilities and the house's property tax. A nice move on his part, though he likes to remind me how ungratefull I am of it, and threatens to boot me to the street at his lesure. I don't know if I would say I am enjoying my living arrangement, but the sheer uncertinty of it does stress me out a bit. Otherwise I havn't much to complain about there.

My room-mate is 26. As for employment, I have been working 2 part-time jobs to try bringing all the bills up-to-date with some success, and through one of my part-time jobs as a security guard I was reffered to a wonderfull company called JP Morgan Chase. They apparently own quite a financial business here in the States including at least one corporate bank. I applied and was accepted and told training would begin on the 22nd. After I had turned in my resignation at my more stable part-time job with Federal Express, I discovered they meant the 22nd of NEXT month. So here I am trying to scrape togeather whatever I can from the infrequent assignments the security job gives me to make my way through the next month's bills, car payments, and a 400 dollar debt I have to my city for letting an old antique car I hated to be rid of sit around unfunctional. I pay by the middle of next month or sit in jail for a week. As silly as that sounds they have assured me they are quite serious and unfortunately my new employers at Morgan Chase have a 6-week training program, dissalowing one to miss even a single day to retain consideration. My lovely bank has informed me that I must pay my car payments anyway, despite my situation, or loose my transportation. Basically I pay more money then I can possibly have or I got to jail and miss out on training, thus trading the 2 years I put into FedEx for nothing whatsoever.

My room-mate says he will help out as best he can and really I'm just extra streesed about how this will all work out. I can't really ignore it and say it will all be fine, yet I can't do anything abnout it. I'm working and even if I got another part-time job quickly (fast food, anything!) I wouldn't be hired and payed my first check in time. Meh, I'm sure you can gather from this it didn't take much to re-enter my old world of depression. In fact, writing this is getting me sweaty-palmed and nervous all over again..

I better head off here for the night..

Dear Just-in-time,

I have a theory about your problems. It may be that your high intelligence is behind many of your problems. The various living arrangements you have experienced may have caused you to see things in different ways. I'm thinking that anyone who had to go through what you did would have some problems.

You write as though you have done a lot of deep thinking, so maybe you do have a very high IQ. I taught school for many years. I witnessed the hard time that students would inflect on certain students who may have been different. Also, the way I was forced to teach would have made anyone with a lot of intelligence go right up the wall. We have to spoon feed everything. We had to go real, real slow so that every person did well. We had to make everything fun, all the time. However, most of the students were not challenged, many were bored; but they all passed so the parents and administration were happy. You would have been bored some of the time in my classes.

I also have ADHD. It hampers me in some ways, but it helps in others. I basically had to find out different ways of learning. I do not learn as others do. Once I started to study the way that is best for me, I moved to the top of the class. I graduated from college with honors and have a Masters in biology. Many think I'm smart, but I just do my own thing.

You may want to visit my website; I have written a great deal about how I've coped with many learning and emotional problems.
Good Luck,
Jim S

Thanks jims for the info. One of my teachers was a math major with a psychology minor (talk about abstract) and she watched me for less then a month before she had me pegged so to speak. She told me I was thinking at a million miles per hour and I would have to work hard to slow myself down or alternativly I could repeat the lessons she was teaching to myself time and time again while the others were learning it for the first time. As interesting as it was and all I got bored of it and drifted away from colledge as I've said. I still hate myself for that one, she really seemed to understand, and didn't hold it against me or anything.

Odly enough it seems like I just woke up one morning when I was 11-12 and heard a bit of a ringing in my ears and felt, I don't know, for lack of better words, dumber. It felt like there was an actual moment in my life where my brain decided it had had given me enough time and it was time to live the life of an idiot. Since then only in certain instances does my mind "wake up" and regain a hint of clerity. In those instances I go back to thinking a million miles an hour and make for an excelent debate leader. Otherwise I find myself lacking. I think it's just in my own mind and it's something I can work out through meditation and raising my own self confidence, but of course like I've said I'm very stubborn and feel my odd balance of problems would make myself hard to regulate through medication, and I've already squandered away the time of a therapist getting myself nowhere.

I'm not trying to sound insane or overly strange but this just seems like the proper place to be honest about myself. Mabey it will ring a bell in someone and they will enlighten me?

My mind sometimes races. I get very bored around people sometimes, especially at meetings. I have developed many ways of controling myself in such places. At times, I've tried to memorize things while sitting in useless meetings. I memorized the periodic table and the names of presidents. Other times I memorized all the features on Mars and Io. It's really fun if you can doddle. People think I'm taking notes, yet I draw a circle then write in the names of the rivers, volcanoes, and other markings of Mars.
Jim S

Hi everyone. It's been a few years and I thought I would post an update. Possibly to pass some hope on to others, possibly not?

I somehow managed to keep my life going and move on. I'm in a new era of my life now. I literally woke up one day and realised that it was time for me to try to settle down and have some kids. To make some sort of impact on humanity within my lifetime. As should be obvious from my "wall of text" posts in the past I can be longwinded and actually enjoy education others. I like children now and want to have some of my own some day soon. I've started my 3rd quarter at a local college recently and am holding a steady B average.

I feel that I have accepted myself finally. I realise I still have some issues but I've pushed my way past them. They are a part of me and my past and that cannot be changed. I found direction in my life. I want to be an Elementary school teacher. I have hope for the future. I have a goal. I will teach and inspire young minds. I want to work hard to give the next generation or two confidence in their abilities and themselves. I want to help mold and develop young minds and teach the future leaders of the world. Even now I can remember a handfull of teachers I've had from kidergarden to college that made a huge impact on my life. I may not recall all my bosses, even if I liked them. I may not recall all my buddies from school either. I sure do, however, recall the teachers that pushed me and wanted to help me become something more. For them, for the future generations and for myself I want to teach.

My old roommate and I have shifted around a bit but by chance found ourselves living in a new appartment, one of our mutual ownership. I am 28 now and no longer suffer from depression. Yes it is still in the back of my mind but now that I have learned to accept it as a part of me, to smile and wave at it from time to time instead of dreading it or loosing myself in it, I find myself a much better person.

I started working out a bit, just small stuff at home, mostly aerobic and discovered much to my surprise that excercise releases something (I'll tell ya after I've made it through biology class I guess) that alleviates depression. It has as a result made me even more confidant in my abilities. Passing college level classes with good grades and no longer hiding under my grandfather's roof has also helped me to build confidence. I think I really get it now. If you have confidence you become largely unphased by many of life's problems. You don't waste time worrying about small things because they are either irrelivant or may be resolved instead of mulled over uselessly. Worrying solves nothing. Planning and action solves everything.

As a side note, I've discovered the best way for me to learn and retain information, largely by accident. My first class at school was an afternoon math class. After the class I felt awake, like the fog was clear from my mind. It would last me the rest of the day, every school day. I began to learn the way my mind works. I still have the IQ potential and ability, it just needs to be excercised, stretched or woken up like anything else. Take for example a workout. If you do not warm up and cooldown you may seriously injure yourself. Even if you feel great right afterwords your likely to feel very sore and torn up for several days afterwords (I know that for a fact ). A simple stretching and warm-up session followed by a calming cooldown and stretching session makes 90% of the pain go away the following day.

All of these things have combined, along with the unending faith my best friend has had in me all these years to push me past that horrible point in my life. Depresses constantly from age 12 to age 26 or so. Drifting aimlessly in life with no goals, no modivation, just going from one day to the next not caring if I lived or died. I overcame it with hope and an inner-realization that came from watching myself succeed in small things little by little. Added together, they form a safety net, so if you do fall off the ladder you certinally don't fall all the way. Laughing and learning from whatever life throws your way. Yes people die, yes bill collectors will haunt you, yes you may feel like a useless lump.

But.

But you aren't a useless lump. You have the same potential for greatness that any other human being on this planet has had or ever will have. Even if it takes you 13 years of your life to overcome your problems and find yourself. I did it, without medication and without serious injury to myself. A little hope can win against a lot of problems. A little success can protect you from numerous failures.

To eveyone out there suffering from depression: Don't give up. Find hope and success. However you may do so. Excercise and watch yourself get stronger or tougher. Go to school and focus on the coursework; watch yourself grow and master your own intellect. Passing even 1 class with a good grade can give you the confidence to try and succeed in things you never thought you cold. Take a long hard look around you and recognize who your true friends are and have been all along. Tough it out for not just yourself but for them too. Watching someone suffer hurts, but feeling useless, like you can't help that person no matter what hurts so much worse. Find religion if you want. Sometimes it's not important what you believe in but that you learn to have faith in something. If you truely believe that you are a child of God, Buddah, Allah or anything else and that they have love or faith in you then you can have faith in yourself too.

Good luck everyone and thanks to all those who responded over the years. You really gave me a gentle nudge in the right direction when I needed it. Thanks!