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15/m I need Help: PLEASE HELP ME!

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A way to happiness.

Postby Bear » Sun Oct 09, 2005 2:38 pm

Chucky wrote: What age are you? Can you offer any advice for me?


Hello! ..i'm 25 yrs old and soon to be 26 next month. yah..i'm old. haha. But as for your advise....i think it depends if you are willing to change and how much you really want it no matter what the sacrafices are. As for me...i try to kill people w/ kindness...I try to help people as much as I can...sometimes I feel like they only like me because I helped or I'm being nice to them and always feeling like "why do I have to do this...be nice to people...just for them to like me eventhough they didn't really like me in the first place or paid attention to me". And sometimes people just don't equally give back the effort to be nice to you or help you. Unfortunately, this happens to some people. You have to make the initiative to do this... make sacrafices anyway....eventhough you feel like you're not getting anything back for it. Just as long as you stay positive....remind yourself that you are doing right things....helping people.....talking to them..making them laugh. Follow the "golden rule":

"Try your best to treat others as you would wish to be treated yourself, and you will find that this is the shortest way to benevolence." Mencius VII.A.4

This is basically how i'm helping myself. It's hard to make the initiative for me...but i'm slowly doing it. I'm still learning and I always have to keep reminding myself. So..i hope this helps for you.

Here's another inspiring quote:

"No one is my enemy, none a stranger and everyone is my friend." Guru Arjan Dev : AG 1299
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Postby UnfocussedLight » Sun Oct 09, 2005 3:37 pm

Beautiful, Bear! I've never struggled to make friends, but I've always been anxious about the whole social thing. And I've also wondered whether people like me for me, or just because I do things for them or are nice to them. But I'm gradually beginning not to care, coz I've learnt that I get more out of helping others than they could ever get from receiving it.

Another thing I live by when it comes to conversing with people and making friends, being liked, etc. A single line;

Interested is interesting.

Listen to people. Ask questions about them. Everyone has stories to tell, and the most interesting subject to every single person is themselves. Once you begin to listen to people's stories, you'll become addicted, believe me! :)

I always think...what's the point in always talking about myself? It's boring - I already know what's in my head. So I find it more exciting to hear other people's stories, and discuss how the things they're saying relate to whatever's already tucked away between my ears.

This also serves to take the focus off yourself, so it's easier to get lost in the conversation, and worry less about what they may be thinking of you. They're the ones exposing something of themself to you, so they're more likely to be anxious than you.

Sorry to crap on...you just got me going on my inspirational brainwaves, Bear! :wink:

I'll end with an awesome quote by dear old Mother Teresa;

People are unreasonable, illogical , and self-centered;
LOVE THEM ANYWAY.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
DO GOOD ANYWAY.
If you are successful you win false friends and true enemies;
SUCCEED ANYWAY.
The good you do will be forgotten tomorrow;
DO GOOD ANYWAY.
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable;
BE FRANK AND HONEST ANYWAY.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight;
BUILD ANYWAY.
People really need help but attack you if you help them;
HELP PEOPLE ANYWAY.
Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth;
GIVE THE WORLD THE BEST YOU'VE GOT ANYWAY
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Postby Chucky » Tue Oct 11, 2005 7:26 pm

Bear I pretty much do as you do - I help people. A lot of things I do is done for the benefit of others, even though they do not know it - Simple things.


In essence, I put everyone else before me.


Seeing people that litter, blow smoke into people's faces, or let a door shut into someone's face makes me feel angry. I actually am stunned that somebody can be so rude. But they aren't intentionally being rude - It is just them. I am the one with the problem because I am getting angry over it.


UnfocussedLight, you said: "I always think...what's the point in always talking about myself? It's boring."

I'm actually the opposite. I never talk about myself. I always ask questions and when a person asks a question about me I am taken aback by how kind that peron must be to want to know something about me. It is then that I stumble - I find it hard to describe myself without mentioning some problem or another. I'm not comfortable talking about myself...
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Postby nadine » Wed Oct 12, 2005 9:06 pm

UnfocussedLight wrote:Another thing I live by when it comes to conversing with people and making friends, being liked, etc. A single line;

Interested is interesting.

Listen to people. Ask questions about them. Everyone has stories to tell, and the most interesting subject to every single person is themselves. Once you begin to listen to people's stories, you'll become addicted, believe me! :)


i'm trying out this tactic. in any case showing interest and asking questions are good conversation skills. i'm a shy person but i'm also very curious about other people, asking questions has helped me to feel more comfortable. but this can also backfire. oftentimes i end up in one-sided conversations....i ask all the question and the person answers but never asks me anything! i don't get the feeling that they are bored. on the contrary, it just goes on and on, the person's answers are like monologues and there is no remote control so i can switch them off. after all this i feel really drained and don't feel any better....why didn't that person want to know anything about me...i must be really boring...

i observe this quite often. any advice for a situation like this?
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DEPRIVED OF SOCIALISM

Postby Bear » Thu Oct 13, 2005 4:39 am

I go through the same similar situations as you do Nadine. I don't know for some reason...when I tell stories or talk...I don't really put so much emotion or facial expressions to it. I've been so depressed and been deprived of socialism that I don't even know how to smile or be so ethusiatic anymore when I'm talking. I'm just like in this one monotone voice w/ no facial expression. haha..now that is boring. So yah..I suck at telling stories. AND that is WHY i'm the one usually asking questions. I think I need to take some acting classes 101. Notice how more attention is paid to the ones that are REALLY LOUD and DRAMATIC...and these people are actually remembered too. So that's the whole ordeal for me. I'm trying to socialize more so that way I can learn again and maybe get my facial expressions back. I do laugh and smile when I talk....sometimes....but it's just that whole LACK OF HAPPINESS that doesn't really motivate me or put an effort of smiling or ethusiasm to when I'm talking. It's hard. But, I'm trying at least. :D <--SEE! Talking (even though I SUCK at it) or even just listening to someone....at least SOME KIND OF HUMAN INTERACTION ....actually makes me feel better.
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Postby BEAR » Thu Oct 13, 2005 5:23 am

Oh yah...as for you UnfocussedLight...THANK YOU VERY MUCH for the comment! Your quote from dear mother teresa was beautiful..very inspiring! See...there ARE good people out there.

And for Chucky...yah..i get really annoyed when I see people litter or smoke. A few of my biggest pet peeves! haha..i'm telling you...people just don't know the consequences. But then again...like you said...It might just be them. They might just have other BIGGER problems to think about. haha..and that kind of relates to us ..huh?? Have you ever heard of MASLOW's HEIRARCHY OF NEEDS THEORY??...it basically explains reasons of motivation of people. It's true to some people and it may not be true to some people. But it does make sense.

Here's the link: chiron.valdosta.edu/whuitt/col/regsys/maslow.html
BEAR
 

Postby nadine » Thu Oct 13, 2005 9:33 pm

hey bear,

your idea of taking an acting class is a good one. when i was in high school i was part of a theater group (school) and you really do learn a lot about body language and how to use your voice...it was a lot of fun. you should give it a try :) or how about a speech class?


what is creating the lack of happiness in your life do you think?

when i felt depressed taking care of a dog was one of the things that made me feel better. dogs don't judge you and they are always happy to be with you(if you treat them right of course).
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Postby UnfocussedLight » Fri Oct 14, 2005 7:09 am

Acting classes may be a good idea. Even if you learn nothing in terms of conversational skills, body language, etc, at the very least you'll gain more confidence in having others listen to your voice.

But you shouldn't need to learn how to 'act' in order to have a conversation with someone. You have to learn to be yourself. (Don't you HATE it when people say that!? :wink: ) Whatever you are constantly thinking about is sure to become things that you're constantly talking about. That is why it's hard when you're going through depression, or any type of problem, as it is hard not to talk about things that are on your mind. And we all know that there is a limit to how much 'problem-talk' we can all handle.

Have you ever noticed how most people who have conversations always have something in common? For example, they work together, study together, or have a common interest. This is what people always revert to when they have nothing else to talk about.

In my first full-time job, this seemed to be the case. We were all different ages, had different backgrounds, family life, beliefs, you name it. So in the beginning, all we ever talked about was work. GROAN! :roll:

So I did the whole asking question thing, to ease my boredom a little. It was also interesting at the start, coz the people who never talked much were often REALLY boring to listen to. So I quickly learnt the art of interjecting without being rude. Some ways I'd do this was...well, first I'd make sure I was actually LISTENING to them. If you don't, you will end up being rude, and they'll get upset coz they'll know you haven't been listening. (But remember, even the 'boring' person isn't enjoying it either...noone wants to talk when they know noone's listening).

Sorry guys, if this is all jumbly diddly dobbly...I'm trying to explain myself, but there are so many questions I'm trying to comment on all at once! Bare with me! :wink:

So...what did I do to interject...hmmm....as I said, I'd listen. And in order to understand people, I usually picture what they're talking about, and also try to relate it to similar things in my past. Have you guys ever done word association? Where someone says a word, and you say the first thing that comes into your mind. Well, I constantly do a similar version of this in my head. If someone mentions, say...coffee...I'll think of all the funny, interesting, and/or factual things I've heard/read/seen/experienced with coffee.

That's one way of interjecting; verbalising your associative thoughts; and it's good because it shows you're listening and/or gives everyone a chance to divert the conversation.

Another thing I've found helpful, is to use other people's stories. That way, you're not talking about yourself, so you're not as anxious about people finding out about your problems, or thinking you're stupid or whatever. A good way to come up with these is...to think of times you've spent with other people where they've done stupid things; read newspapers, magazines, books, the internet...there are always millions of interesting stories there.

Hmmm...I haven't really mentioned how to go about actually getting up the courage to open your mouth in the first place, have I? Well; I've found that out of all the people I've talked to, often it's the quietest ones who have the best stories! Usually the louder people just let them remain that way, as they assume that's what they'd rather do. So the more the quiet people start to comment on things, the more everyone else will begin to tune in as they speak.

Sorry for such a long, boring babble! I'll finish with this...talking is usually left to the loudest, blabbiest people...like me! BLAAAAAAAAHHHHH.

And by comparing your posts to mine, I know you have a multitude of things MUCH better than I ever do to share with the world. Please save the ears of the world and drown us out! :wink:

Luv u all! 8)
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Postby nadine » Fri Oct 14, 2005 1:24 pm

UnfocussedLight wrote:
So I did the whole asking question thing, to ease my boredom a little. It was also interesting at the start, coz the people who never talked much were often REALLY boring to listen to.



Well; I've found that out of all the people I've talked to, often it's the quietest ones who have the best stories!


isn't this a contradiction?
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Postby UnfocussedLight » Fri Oct 14, 2005 3:24 pm

Sorry darl...I wasn't in a very comprehensible mood earlier. What I meant with the first one was...the quiet people had remained quiet for so long that at first, they found it difficult to add anything interesting to the conversation. But the more they added a comment or two here and there, the better/more comfortable they got with it all, until we started to see the REAL them.

They WERE boring because they were petrified of talking and didn't even want to listen to themselves. But they ended UP being the most interesting ones in the group.
Last edited by UnfocussedLight on Fri Oct 14, 2005 3:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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