15/m I need Help: PLEASE HELP ME!

Im almost 15 years old, and i think im going crazy. When I was a kid I was very social and happy (even though i had been through rough stuff). More and more i started becoming less and less social and i started to hate people, i wouldnt take $#%^ from anyone, and i still dont. Now I have no friends hardly and i just sit at home all day thinking crazy thoughts and lisnen to angry music. About a year ago i went through all these weird stages where i started thinking about all this crazy stuff. One period of time (for about 4 months) all i could think about was torture and physical pain and it made me go nuts. Once i pretty much got over that, all i could think about was going to heaven or hell,I was thinking about becoming omish because i didnt want to go to hell. Then once i got over that, I started thinking that i laugh to much for how depressed i am. I cant concentrate on sports when someone makes me laugh or sumtin and stuff. I laugh for absolutley no reason sometimes and i try not to, thats why no one knows how fuking depressed i am. No one knows all of these crazy thoughts that have gone through my head. Sometimes before i go to bed at night, i cry because i think about how all this insane $#%^ will never go away. And whenever i go some place, i am sooo paranoid...I always think that someone is thinking something stupid about me because of the way i look or sumtin. I always get all nervous when i talk to people and especially girls. My self-esteem is sooo low its insane. I'm 15 and i have never had a girlfriend before...how pathetic is that. I go all these places and when i see kids about my age hangin out with friends and girlfriends i get so jealous, because they are so social and there life is soo good compared to mine, and they act like they are so cool, when i could kick their ass anyday. all these insane thoughts are drivin me crazy. I have always tried to help people out my whole life and all i have gotten out of it is $#%^. I hate myself, i hate this life, i hate everything, but no one knows it. I'm sick of this $#%^...SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME I FEEL LIKE THIS WILL NEVER GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!! GOD HELP MEEEEE

Hey I can relate to many of the things you said. I am 22 now but when I was 15 I also stayed at home all day and had no interest in socialising.


It is ok to be the way you are by the way. You are not an invalid. It's ok to have them weird thoughts in your head - When a person is by themselves they sometimes turn to their mind. Crazy thoughts are always there. Everyone thinks of them but people can dismiss them as nothing major. Just screw the thoughts and forget them.


Have you checked the Avoidant Personality Disorder Forum?

http://www.psychforums.com/forums/viewforum.php?f=137

I think it might be of interest to you.


Now, I feel that it is very important to have one person in your life with whom you can confide in. Please try to seek out somebody with whom you can do this. Even a person you know on the Internet. For the time being, please keep posting. Vent that anger! HIT ME HARD!

Thanks chucky i appreciate you not ignoring my post and trying to help me, but i really dont know how im gonna deal with my problem. For sure im not gonna talk to anybody, but maybe eventually all this messed up crap will go away and i wont have to deal with it anymore. I dont know why all this weird crap goes through my head but its driving me insane. I try to ignore it but i just cant and i hate it. I hate being paranoid, I hate having a low self-esteem, I hate being anti-social, I hate caring so much wat people think about me, And I hate having all these fu*ked up things goin through my mind. I dont know why I cant just be a normal person like everyone else...why do i deserve this...did i do something wrong, ive always been a pretty good kid and when i was younger EVERYONE loved me and i had tons of friends. Boy i just wish i could go back to those days again...i was such a normal kid and now...life sucks...but i still dont want to die.

The thoughts in your head - Do not worry about them at all. Please just try to get your mind to accepting them. They really cannot do you any harm. HARMLESS I SAY! HARMLESS!!!


Now... ... ...

What happened to you in the past that turned your "good" past into your stressful present? There must be some incident that set you on a downward spiral. please think hard about it.

Hey Mike. I read what you posted and see where your coming from. I wouldn't say "mysery loves company" but I would say "takes one to know one". People can obviously tell you whatever they want, about adolescent chemical changes in the brain, peer pressure, typical stress of growing up and all but it doesn't mean a damn thing to the person actually going through hell. It's always easier to classify people when you don't have a clue whats really going on. Human emotions are so unique that what treatments or advice work for one person may just piss off another and turn them completely off from that source of assistance in the future.

Here's my opinion on it, though you can ignore me if you want to or tell me where to stick it. You care a lot about what others think of you. Nobody on this board should be here to pass judgement on anyone so don't worry about what any of us think. Ask yourself why you care so much about what others think? You used to be loved, you said, and I assume popular. You were used to it and liked it. For whatever reason (you said some messed up stuff happened to you) you lost that. You enjoyed it then had it taken away from you. Was that fair? Hell no. I'm not some shrink who is going to tell you what you have been doing is crying out for attention. Babies cry out for attention, but you are 15, a mature young adult.

In my opinion you want to be happy and popular again (you've said as much) but are terrified about making your first step back into the light a bad one. Kids and teens can be really cruel and shallow and may never look past it if you fumble. Tell ya what though, you had it once and can have it again. I've got a good 10 years on you, and from your point of view that probably makes me too old to relate, but I remember exactly how I felt at 15 and honestly it isn't any different from how I feel now. I'm the same "me" now that I was then. You are the same "you" now as you were when you were happy and popular. I regret that I'm not still in school, improving my mind. I regret that I silently suffered and never let my feelings out. I regret that I am the same person now that I was then. You have it in you to change, man. Don't let people tell you that drugs, sex, or anything else will make you a better person because I see a young man fighting to better himself and wanting to change the bad stuff into good. If everyone were like you, facing their problems head on and trying so hard to swim through the crap your drowning in then the world would be a better place.

well ill tell you a little bit about my childhood...pretty much most of my life, i lived in the housing projects in san luis obispo. Everyone in the complex were my friends and we used to do all kinds of fun stuff. The bad things that were happening in my life i guess were...my mom was getting drugs from one of the people in the complex, my mom and dad were always getting in fight(actual fights) and they sometimes went to jail, and to top it all off they sent me and my brother to two foster homes wich really sucked. My dad said that when i got out of those foster homes that i wasnt the same person anymore...he said that i didnt laugh, and cry about sad things as much anymore. Then when my mom moved to alaska, me, my dad, and my brother all moved down with my grandparents, which is where we are now. my first year of football(8 years old), my mom died. that really sucked. Even after all that $#%^ that happened i was still a normal kid, i was just meaner and got in more fights and stuff. While living at my granmas house i didnt really have any freinds because there was really no kids around where we were living and there were no sidewalks or anything so i was pretty much a loner. A couple years ago our house burned completely down. There was nothing left. So now we are in a rent house and we have been living here for about 1 and a 1/2 years now. The weird thoughts all started pretty much, about a couple months that we were living here and they have all been driving me crazy since and i hate it. Its like every couple months a new terrible insane crazy thought enters my head and im stuck with it. It sucks. I dont know what im gonna do. I dont know if im crazy or what but i hate this soooooooooo much.

and by the way, that post above is me(mike)...the one who started this discussion

Sounds like you have more a problem with trauma then general depression. Alright, so popularity and friends asside, I was a bastard child and the product of a 1 night stand so my father doesn't even know I exist, nor does my mother even know his name or remember his face. She got tired of raising me and threw me out like trash at 4, and it was my grandparents that took me and raised me. At 9 I think (cant recall exactly, guess I mentally blocked it out) my grandparents threw me away too and I was sent to live in foster homes. I was thrown around from home to home for a couple years and my grandparents regained custody eventually. Of course by then my grandmother (who was basically my mom) got stomache cancer and became a bitter old witch. she wasted away rapidly and was a shrivled husk of hatred by the time she finally died 4 years later.

So I lost almost everything I cared about and got thrown away like trash by the people who raised me over and over. I developed a habit of ignoring everyone I could and just playing video games, reading and stuff where I could entertain myself without relying on other people. Why? Because I felt they would eventually throw me out, leave or die and it wasn't worth the trauma of loosing them even if the time we had spent with each other was fun or happy. People like to say "better to have loved and lost then never loved at all", well I say thats a load of bull. When I lost someone I cared about it was like their loss was burned in my mind forever and if overwhelmed all the good times I ever had with them. When I tried to remember happy times with them I just got depressed and tried to forget them completely rather then be constantly lonely and depressed.

Your probably meaner because your expecting anyone who gets close to you to abandon you or die off, and I think the same way. Where I just refuse to to out and meet new people and refuse to deepen any kinda relationship I may have with my "work buddies" to keep myself from being hurt I guess your mean to people causing them to want to leave you alone right away. Mabey you feel better knowing that instead of having to loose people at some unknown time and suffer a loss you can just be a jerk to them and cause them to leave you on your terms. It suddenly becomes you throwing them away because they aren't needed or you don't want them, rather then them leaving you and causing you pain.

I'm not a shrink or a therapist or anything, but thats my 2 cents.

I can relate and feel the same way as you do mike. I used to be cool back then..i was pretty much happy. Now i have a hard time socializing to people. I hardly go out cuz i have a self-image/self-esteem problem..that everyone will judge me. I get jealous alot too if i see my friends are prettier than me and are getting paid more attention to. I lost all my friends because I always turned them down whenever they invite me to go out w/ them. I really hate this depession feeling. I really want to be normal again...but it's so hard. I lost my sense of humor and i've become quieter and quieter. And because of that..i have a hard time making friends..because they think i'm boring.

Bear wrote:I lost all my friends because I always turned them down whenever they invite me to go out w/ them. I really hate this depession feeling.

That's what I am doing in my life right now - Turning people away when they ask me to go out with them. i am 22 years old. What age are you? Can you offer any advice for me?