what others think

Sometimes i get so depressed thinking about mistakes i've made and thinking what other people think of me. i am sad that they know that i have been hospitalized and that they know that my mom was crazy and that i have potential but that i am just in a dead end job. i am sad that i used to have money but made some bad choices and that i am so poor now and they know that i was brought up better than that. i am sad that i have so much debt, especailly personal debt to people i know and i am ashamed when i see them. i am sad that people probably think that i married an older man because i didn't have agood relationship with my dad. and i am sad because that is probably true.

often i want to die and often think about killing myself but i don't want people to blame my husband and i don't want to hurt him or a couple other people and i don't want all those people to say that they knew that i was crazy all along and this just proves it.

i need to get help but i am so afraid of being judged and nothing i ever did as a child was right or good enough. i get very angry when i am corrected and then i am sad and embarrassed at my reactions. i am afraid that people can see right through me.

well im wanting to find help myself, but i dont know where to look. i mean, i've googled 'counseling' and such, but none show up as credible...

i too wanna die, but i just can't do it by my own hand. i provoke many many people for them to just get so bitchy and pissed at me that they might lose their temper on me and kill me. but then again, im not actually provoking them enough for that to happen.

lol, im lost too and i replied here because i can relate to ya.

Dear Guest, and Iblost,

I can relate to both of you.

Life hurts like Hell, doesn't it ?

Guest - Don't be so hard on yourself...we All make mistakes. I was once (for the 2nd time) SO much in credit debt ($65000 or so) that I had to declare bankruptcy, to go on! (One way I handled my depression then - with its lonliness and hopelessness - was by shopping. Hence the "national debt" I created.)
The guilt you feel, Guest, does Not seem founded. You sound to me like a kind, compassionate person, who deserves happiness.

Write to me (us), Anytime!

I hope you feel better soon....

Thanx,

ofbeatgrl53pf



I have also wanted, to some extent, to die...as if I don't really "belong" in the world...otherwise things would more bearable, no?

offbeatgrl53pf wrote:I have also wanted, to some extent, to die...as if I don't really "belong" in the world...otherwise things would more bearable, no?

True.