can't get out of this hole..

i feel like i'm in a hole.. i feel like i'm spiraling downwards every single day. all i want to do is sleep and sleep and never ever wake up.. i have no energy for anything or anyone and i just don't want to be here.. it feels like everything hurts soooo much but i feel so empty too.. really angry too, i hate that i am this way. i hate being me, i hate everything about me.. i've lost everyone i ever cared about and i really.. i just don't have anything any more... ehh.. i want to talk but i don't even know what to say.. i want to cry but i don't have the energy.. i want to sleep but i lay awake thinking and thinking and thinking.. i want to eat but i'm never hungry.. i want to be here but i feel so far away from everything, like i stopped belonging and now i'm just existing. i don't want to be here.. it's too hard.. and i'll never get out of this hole......

Taramara, I understand. With me it seems as though I'm fading away, slowly suffocating, living with a fake smile that no one notices anyway. To stay in bed and never get up, what is the point? I want to stab myself in the heart because the pain of living hurts too much. I don't have family who truly loves me, friends who truly care, or that I care about. I have one, but she's gone, and since she's gone, I have no one. I have nothing. I don't have a life. People in this world have it much worse off than I do. They get abused everyday. Raped everyday. Wasted. Murdered. Hated. Manipulated. Everything under the sun. And even though I can acknowledge the good that happens in this world, I can't forget the bad. It's a never ending cycle. But there is good, well there is bad, but there is good, but don't forget all the bad.

Which one dominates? The bad. Does that mean there's no good? Of course not. But it does show that there is more bad in this world, in the lives of others, than good in anyone else's. And who am I to complain? I have no right to be sad. I have no right to complain.

But I cry myself to sleep at night. I can't help but overdose on medication everyday, as a flimsy little way to assure myself that I am doing something to end my pain, not just doing nothing. As stupid as it is, and as unhelpful it is to what I do, and who I am and how it affects me. I hold so much hurt in myself that I plan as I cry every night on how and why I want to and will commit suicide.

It's a horrible existence. A hole I can't seem to get out of. No matter how hard I try. No matter how hard I fight that feeling of loneliness. The anger. The suffering. No point in going through the motions of living, but I do it anyway. 'I've fought another day, losing another chance to break away from all I cannot bear. I suffer through the shame, wishing hope would just abandon me till this is over.'

That's how I feel. The problem is, I have no hope. None that I can feel anyway. But...just because you can't feel it, can't see it, doesn't mean that its not there. No matter how much effort you've put into looking, into finding it, and creating something so that you can get out of the mess that you're in...

You feel empty, I know. You live through the motions of being alive and feel nothing towards anything, perhaps a distant object or person who doesn't truly matter in the perspective of things, I understand that. But that does not mean that all that was once lost cannot be found again. No matter how much you don't want to be here. No matter how hard this is to be here. You need to understand, you need to grasp that things can be well again. No matter how distant everything may seem, no matter how unconnected you are to the loved ones you once had. No matter how much pain and anguish you have to live through to go through everyday by yourself. You can get out of this hole. It will take time, but you have that. You may not be young, or you may possibly be, but there is always time. Always enough time to make yourself happy. You have to work at it. Harder than you have ever tried before. And it will be hard. You will still suffer. But I promise that the more you try to connect, the more things that you do not to occupy yourself but to make yourself be alive again, go through the motions of living for yourself and people who you once never had that are then there for you, the happier you will become, and the easier it will be to get out of bed.

Even though there is nothing going for you right now, even though it seems as if you've lost everything and have nothing left to retrieve or keep to yourself...There is always something. Find that something. No matter how much suffering you have to go through to get it. Because once you find it, you will finally have found a rope to get you out of the hole and into the world around you. Things won't ever be bleak again. Maybe once in a while, and it may seem as though you've fallen back in, but you can always find another way to get out. Please, do not lose hope. Never lose hope. Even if you don't have any right now, I know that you do because otherwise you would not be going on. You would have ended yourself already or never have posted this in the first place.

There is always something. Though bad may dominate, and there is not enough happiness, if you look hard, you'll find it. I may not know where it lies, and perhaps you neither. But with time, and with effort, you will find something. You will want to get up. You will want to talk. You will want to eat and sleep and cry and laugh...Everything. It just takes determination, perseverance and strength. And I am certain that you have them all. Whether you believe you have lost them or never had them to begin with.

Never hate yourself, love. Never, no matter how easy it is to do it. No matter how much you want to. No matter how many reasons you find to condemn yourself yet again for past and possible future actions. That will get you nowhere. Only dig you a deeper hole. Which I doubt you want at the moment, even though you may shrug and say what's the point? Everything happens for a reason, I believe that. And there is always a reason as to why a person is born. Whether you believe in God or something greater, or used to but have lost faith, I do. And I doubt any God would be never be as sadistic as ever to create a mortal being only to have to live what you are living through for the rest of their life. You will and can find fault within everything you have done, every aspect of your life. But for the sake of your happiness, I ask that you fight that. You fight the will to hate yourself. Then, things might get easier to heal and become happier. No matter how much you have lost. No matter how much time has passed. No matter how much cruelty you have had to live through. All will be well again. Please. Just try.

aklira, i don't even know what to say.. that was beautiful what you wrote and i felt like you really understand.. which is although good, i'm sorry that you must know how it feels. i wouldn't wish this upon anyone.. i've tried many times to kill myself and i fail at that too seems someone wants me here anyway.. ahh it's just so tiring.. so exhausting.. so depressing.. i find it hard not to hate myself.. even when i try not to, i can't fight my monsters on my own.. and yes i'm young, i'm eighteen. and i have borderline and depression. the worst part is, feeling like this, then being told you have depression, that this feeling will not just go away that it's here to stay, here to haunt you until you've had enough.. :'(

I know its tiring. God, do I know. It almost always seems impossible not to hate yourself. There are always monsters, some worse than others. But the monsters are there for a reason. For you to be scared, sick, and tired of them, and for you to fight them, with or without anyone. Either way, it would be very, very hard. It always is. Being depressed to getting happy is never an easy thing. It always takes lots of energy, lots of good thoughts, lots and lots of internal fights that you would rather not have, no matter how promising the outcome would be. I really, really, really do know. Knowing you are depressed, being depressed, being told you are depressed, given medication for the way you are feeling, which is actually something that you need/should take medicine(??!?!?!?!?) for...That it haunts you everyday of your life the minute you walk out of that doctors room....It is just so tiring. so draining. so depressing, for lack of words. But no matter how hard it is to fight those monsters, no matter how hard it is to even look them in the eye and acknowledge that they are there...The outcome, I promise, will be very, very, very promisingly satisfying in ways you wouldn't know nor remember, I think.

And you have the time to get rid of them. You have to time to get happy. You have the time for everything. Even depression. But I suspect you'd rather be happy go lucky than that. Don't worry to much about it. In time you will fight your inner demons and you will get past them. That's a promise. Don't be too sad that I know how it feels. It's just the way of things. I think you will find your fair share of people like you when you get older. The only thing that's sad about my feeling like this is I'm a whole lot younger than you. But that's okay. I have just as much time as you do. And if I'm getting out of my hole, you are too.