READY TO DIE...

I wake up every morning wishing that I was dead and go to sleep every night hoping that I die in my sleep. I have tried to commit suicide [in the recent past] and wasn't successful...

What have I tried to overcome my depression and anxiety (over the course of years)

1. Antidepressants (12 different ones for 30 days each) + 2mood stabilizers (talk about turning me into a zombie)

2. Anti-anxiety medications (xanax, helped a little)

3. Bright Light Therapy (helped a little during the winter)

4. Meditation (terrible for me, made things WAY worse) +yoga (helped slightly)

5. Working with a therapist (for 1 year) - initially better,but then she kept telling me I have this/that/this problem and labelingme/making me feel bad

6. Working with a psychologist (CBT for 6 months) -Terrible, I think I got worse

7. Socializing more - Helped slightly

8. Joining clubs - Kept suicidal thoughts away temporarily

9. Daily exercise (I worked out HARD for over 200 daysstraight and stopped because my depression/anxiety didn't improve)

10. Self-hypnosis - just relaxing which I didn't really need

11. Krill Oil/Fish Oil supplements (for over 1 year) - mighthave helped

12. Blood testing (nothing abnormal)

13. Multivitamin supplements (just to be sure)

14. Working with a psychiatrist (for 6 months) - pretty badexperience, just threw pills at me like candy and I tried pretty mucheverything available (most made me suicidal/tired)

15. A different "highly regarded" psychiatrist - horribleexperience

15. Working with a general practitioner - not too bad of anexperience, but didn't really help much

16. Psychological testing - results were likely skewed dueto my depression on the MMPI

17. Blogging - helped a little bit

18. Setting goals - helped a little bit, but I have nomotivation anymore

19. Staying busy (working all day) – definitely helped, butI lost motivation due to depression/wanting to die/having no friends

20. Self-help books/audio - inspiring, but in the long term I revert back to homeostasis

21. Getting a job - I worked with people and like thataspect of it, but hated the actual job but stayed working for the full summer

22. Changing my sleep patterns (getting more/less sleep tosee how it affects my mood) - more sleep made me worse, too little I couldn't think, changes didn't really help...

23. Biofeedback - didn't work for s***

24. Brainwave therapy (with multiple frequencies and protocols) - definitely noticed a change, but didn't fix anything

25. Journaling - helped slightly, but hate writing about myself for myself

26. Hydrocodone – the only thing that helped, but I don'tthink it's necessarily a good long term solution and my supply is getting low...

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NOTHING HAS WORKED...

Nothing really has worked and I'm at the point where I justdon't know what to do anymore... I feel like suicide is my only option based oneverything I've tried. I'm reluctant totry any more medication because I've had such terrible experiences with all ofthem (f*cked me up beyond belief). Additionally, thepsychologists/psychiatrists/therapists are so quick to throw out a label on methat they aren't getting an accurate diagnosis/the big picture. I have anxiety that has not gone away andcaused tons of problems. I came to realize thatit's genetic and will never go away (I've tried pretty much everything I canthink of and feel like I'm in a state of "learned helplessness"because I've tried so many things [many for extended periods of time] thathaven't worked). I feel like although itfeels good to "HOPE" for the best, I feel like this "HOPE"is just deluded thinking (based on having tried so many things)... I hate when people say "ahh yeah there's always something else to try"... I agree with them, but I've tried so much stuff that I'm not willing to try anything else...

Since I've come to the conclusion that nothing is going to help, I've been trying to speed up the process of death by being as unhealthy as possible. I realize that if I stay healthy and take good care of myself, it's only going to prolong my depression/anxiety/loneliness/isolation... I want it to end. I have talked to my family about wanting to die pretty much everyday for the past month and they are supportive, but don't really understand what it feels like. I understand that suicide would really suck for them, but things really suck for me to the point that it feels to me like they are being selfish for wanting me to stay alive when they don't know how much my life sucks.

Things that happened that made my situation worse

At the beginning of the school year I moved (with aroommate) and began to hate the apartments including the location that I movedinto; but the lease was locked in for a year. The reason that I hated my apartments is because there weren't other people my agearound to socialize with and I wanted to make some new friends and have somefun and try to shake my anxiety... At this point, my depression was pretty much gone because I was hyped up in a state of high adrenaline and mostly had high anxiety. To help myself cope with the anxiety I forced myself to go out several times with old friends from previousyears, but it was tough for me with high anxiety...

Coming into the year my goals were to: make more friends,get a girlfriend, work on my own business, and graduate college. I did have theopportunity twice this year to get a girlfriend, but I pretty much turned themdown (2 girls asked me out). One of the girls had broken up with another guy and I think just wanted someone (so I pretty much said nah)... The other girl I met at school and she seemed cool, but my anxiety was ridiculously high so I said no. I turned them down both times because I was too anxious and am inexperienced (basicallyscared)... I don't think I'm necessarily afraid of intimacy per se, just afraidof not really knowing what to do as a boyfriend and freaked out. (My social anxiety coming into play here)...

Anyways, this year I got really depressed after turning downone of the girls that asked me out because I was super lonely. Since there wasnobody around to talk to (at my apartments because my roommate is gone a lot) and I had anxiety, I embraced the lonely life. Istarted drinking, trying to entertain myself, used the computer, etc. I alsostarted taking hydrocodone pills because I became severely depressed...

I went from being fairly extroverted/anxious/productive to introverted/depressed/anxious/isolated as a resultof the following which occurred in rapid-fire sequence over about 3 months...

1. Starting with two girls asking me out and me feelingdepressed that my anxiety/inexperience caused me to turn them down - Turning them down lowered my self-esteem and made me seriously depressed and emotional because I felt like I have no hope in the dating dept.

2. School started and I'm in apartments away from other students/people so it made it tough to socialize easy

3. Next was I tried a dietary experiment "IntermittentFasting" (eating one day on/one day off for 30 days) and this causedemotional upheavals and severe depression

4. During the experiment, my dog that I've had for 14 yearsdied - this was traumatic for me and my entire family was severely depressed

5. Both my parents lost their jobs - this was super depressing

6. I isolated myself and felt really suicidal/depressed, butpushed myself to go in for therapy... when I got to therapy, I didn't reallytell all that I should have because I was apathetic and depressed...
I took the MMPI and was diagnosed with: "schizoid personality disorder" and "avoidant personality disorder"... I personally don't think I have "schizoid PD" because anxiety and severe depression (like I had) mimic many of the symptoms... The isolation was a result of the depression/substance abusing that I was doing IMO. I have empathy, can relate to others, desired relationships before my depression.

7. At the same time, my cousin was depressed and my brothermoved out of town - 2 people I talk to often and this made me more depressed

8. I tried meditating for 30 days because I read it was goodfor your brain/anxiety/depression, but it made me even MORE depressed

9. I stopped working out daily/eating healthy/starteddrinking alcohol and taking hydrocodone - although unhealthy, I didn't know what to do anymore since I don't know how to commit suicide

10. I've tried to pull myself out of this state by readinggood self-help articles, therapy, working out again, talking to people about what I've experienced - none has helped

11. I still feel lonely as hell, even though I do somesocial activities during the week with friends, I also talk to my roommateevery day and family - I still just want to die

Therapy - A ######6 TERRIBLE EXPERIENCE

I took the initiative to get myself in to see a therapistand she wasn't making any progress in our first few sessions because my anxiety prevented me from openlydisclosing certain things that were bothering me. She got super frustrated andstarted throwing random diagnoses at me saying: you might have bipolardisorder, you might have aspergers, you might have this/that, etc. I KNEW Ididn't have either of those, but decided to take some tests for psychiatricdisorders/mood disorders/personality disorders.

The results of the tests came back and showed that I have"Avoidant Personality Disorder" as well as "Schizoid PersonalityDisorder." Most people that know me, even if they knew what the definitionfor avoidant personality disorder and schizoid personality disorder wouldprobably not think that I have either, but I wasn't sure... Now, when I go tosee my therapist, she keeps telling me that I have Schizoid personalitydisorder and Avoidant PD and that these types of individuals don't respond wellto therapy, etc. I thought that mood disorders needed to be ruled out before aPD is diagnosed but I guess I am wrong...

I think that I was SEVERELY depressed after a combination ofthings that I experienced including: loneliness from lack of people my agearound to talk to, my anxiety, death of my dog (who I really loved a lot),turning down girls for relationships (due to inexperience), a super longwinter/lack of sunlight, the fact that my brother moved away, the fact that Idon't have any close/intimate relationships, etc. I do hang out with myroommate and some other people several times a week for hours at a time, Idon't know what to do anymore or if I am avoidant and schizoid. I can easilyrelate to other people, like to joke around, and usually feel happier aroundother people, but I cut myself off from all social contact and have gone intoisolation after my experiences this year.

When I took the MMPI test in this depressed state, I answered all of the questions saying that: "I didn't want to be around people," "I don't want relationships," "I don't have any friends," etc. Some of which were not actually true, but I was depressed/apathetic to the point where I just lowered myself by making myself look as bad as possible on the test even though I wasn't answering honestly.

My therapist keeps jamming the fact that the test resultsshowed I have Schizoid personality disorder/Avoidant PD back down my throat...but I'm not convinced that it's an accurate diagnosis. Although I took athorough test to help her out with my personality, I think the results wereskewed based on the fact that I was really depressed. I answered honestly onthe test saying that: I prefer to be alone, avoid social relationships, don'tlike to be around people etc. because I that's how I was feeling at the timewhile super depressed. She (my therapist) is convinced that I answered MOREACCURATELY on the test results because I was depressed... doesn't make sense to me. She then went on to saythat my anxiety/depression is a symptom of both avoidant/schizoid personality disordersand not the cause for either set of symptoms.

Before my depression I took a look at the schizoid symptoms to see if I fit them...

1) neither desires nor enjoys close relationships, includingbeing part of a family - I always have enjoyed being part of a family and havedesired to have close relationships with others, but my anxiety made it hard.
2) almost always chooses solitary activities - I would saythat if given the choice, I do usually choose solitary activities because I amanxious. However, when my anxiety is lowered, I like to be with others.
3) has little, if any, interest in having sexual experienceswith another person - I had tons of interest in having sex with a partner upuntil this year.
4) takes pleasure in few, if any, activities - Coming intothe year, I took pleasure in pretty much every activity that I did whether itwas working, working out, talking to others, playing poker, etc.
5) lacks close friends or confidants other than first-degreerelatives - I will say that this is somewhat true. I do talk to other peopleabout my life, but don't feel comfortable sharing the fact that I am depressedwith a bunch of my friends because I don't want to look like a weak person... Ishould say that I am very close with my cousin (talking to him daily andsharing the fact that I was super depressed/have anxiety/etc), but my therapistcounted him as a "first degree relative."
6) appears indifferent to the praise or criticism of others- Definitely does not fit me.
7) shows emotional coldness, detachment, or flattened affect- Not sure about this one... when I am depressed, definitely. However, insocial situations, I would say that I'm actually emotionally warm...
8.) Limited capacity to express either positive or negativeemotions towards others - NOT AT ALL.
9) Indifference to social norms and conventions. - Not sureon this one.
10) Preoccupation with fantasy and introspection - Notreally although I became more introspective this year when I started meditatingand journaling to try to overcome my depression.

Learned helplessness/life is worthless/want to die

After realizing that my anxiety was too tough to deal withand overcome, I decided that my life was worthless. I gave up on my business, goals, the thoughtsof a relationship, socializing, and the things I used to enjoy becameboring/dumb to me. It just seems thatI've always struggled in the past with social activities because of my anxietyand due to the fact that I could not cope with it, I became depressed. The person that I wanted to be in this lifewas significantly out of reach and I just felt like I was deluding myself thewhole time thinking that I could become someone that I clearly never will.

I realize that there are a number of positive things about my life: Ilook good, people like me, I can fit in easily, etc. However, I just don't have any reason tocontinue on because nothing is enjoyable anymore. Additionally, the fact that my therapist toldme I'm Schizoid and Avoidant and said that they cannot be overcome really mademe even more suicidal... I just felt like a totally effed up kid that shouldn't be here. Additionally, I feel like when I die the planet will benefit because all I do is burn resources and don'tcontribute... I have no desire to contribute anything right now and nolonger even want a girlfriend because I feel like if I did have kids one day,they would have effed up genetics because of me.

I feel like I am going to live a lonely/pointless life if I continue on and the thought of it makes me wish I was dead... I have tons of social opportunities (friends are always asking me to do stuff, but I always turn them down or make something up because of my anxiety/depression)... Anyways, I don't have any intimate connections, feel isolated,suicidal, and don't find anything in life pleasurable anymore. I'm not expecting people on here to have the answers,but I need to post this up and share my experience...

In My opinion, you have what I call Battle Fatigue. This happens. Sometimes I was so focused on getting well that I would get swallowed up in how long it was taking. I had a lot of sentences in my head with the word "should" in them too. Awful word.
Its ok to get tired.
I also would have times where I became my Illness. Like that is all there was to me. Thats a lie. We are all more than what we are labeled as. But those labels can be helpful in treating us.
Your not alone in how you feel. Maybe your sick of being sick. But that doesnt mean suicide will make things better. What that is certain to do is put your pain in others hands. Thats what suicide does, it passes the pain on.
Something that helped me was me getting sick of myself. Sounds weird I know, but I finally wanted to put others ahead of me. I started to Give rather than Wait. Volunteering can help with this. Animal shelters, Big Brother programs, anything where there are others in need. It took my mind off me and onto others. Soon this helped me feel valued. Just a little at first but more over time.
Keep talking Ok?
Im here, you are not alone.
With Care,
One

"Battle Fatigue" makes some sense to me, but I feel like I'm going to keep getting worse staying isolated... Although I want good friendships/connections etc. my anxiety prevents me from getting them. So now that I'm depressed, I feel like there's nobody to talk to.

Completely agree with your understanding of "labels." However, if I just can't seem to get better and life is just mental pain all the time and I'm going to eventually die anyways, why prolong everything? That's just how I feel. I understand the people around me would be devastated if I commit suicide and it would cause a lot of pain. But a lot of things could happen (I could get into a car accident and die tomorrow) and it would still be painful. Death is usually painful for the survivors of that death IMO...

If there were some solid treatment options available that actually worked for me, I would still be fighting, but I'm really done with all of it. Anyways, I have volunteered (delivering food to disabled people), but discontinued because I was so depressed that I couldn't even get my ass up to go do that anymore. I just felt lost even though it was nice seeing the people get their food. It took the focus off of "me" but I still just felt super depressed in the pit of my stomach the entire time I was doing it even though I put on a somewhat upbeat act for the people...

Posting in a forum like this is something I haven't really tried yet so maybe that will help. At least I'm sharing my experience with others I guess... Thanks for your feedback!

onebravegirl wrote:In My opinion, you have what I call Battle Fatigue. This happens. Sometimes I was so focused on getting well that I would get swallowed up in how long it was taking. I had a lot of sentences in my head with the word "should" in them too. Awful word.
Its ok to get tired.
I also would have times where I became my Illness. Like that is all there was to me. Thats a lie. We are all more than what we are labeled as. But those labels can be helpful in treating us.
Your not alone in how you feel. Maybe your sick of being sick. But that doesnt mean suicide will make things better. What that is certain to do is put your pain in others hands. Thats what suicide does, it passes the pain on.
Something that helped me was me getting sick of myself. Sounds weird I know, but I finally wanted to put others ahead of me. I started to Give rather than Wait. Volunteering can help with this. Animal shelters, Big Brother programs, anything where there are others in need. It took my mind off me and onto others. Soon this helped me feel valued. Just a little at first but more over time.
Keep talking Ok?
Im here, you are not alone.
With Care,
One

There is a huge difference between suicide and a car crash. Suicide heaps guilt on the remaining people. Did you know that if a parent kill themselves, there is an 80% chance the kids might? Suicide becomes an option to people who have had it happen within their family. What gets left behind is questions. Painful questions that no one can answer and they last a life time.
A car crash is an accident out of our control. But is someone kills themselves, there is always the ache of "I should have helped more".
I hope you keep posting here. Read about other people lives and I am sure you will find some support and care.
With Hope,
One

We're all sick of being sick.

I know I am.
Recently I've actually gone backwards in my recovery and had these great episode things...
Dissociation... Derealization. I don't really get the difference.
To have come so far only to realize I'm moving backwards... had some terribly rough nights...
It's so... frustrating.

Over and over I thought about suicide, but I know too many people that did commit suicide...
And it solved nothing... A lot of pain to other people is all it to bring, and I just don't see what good that's done anyone.
That there's this book I read once, that presents this concept that people who commit suicide end up in this place that's just like here, except everything is slightly worse. Everything is broken, the beer is flat, you can't smile...
I don't think I want to go there, but what I just punishment THAT would be, I think...

So I get up, and I just try.
I like to say that there is no try, you either DO or you DON'T, but let's face it, all you can do it try...
Try to smile, try to feel, try to be the person I want to be.

We know how you feel...
I hope you stick around.
We have to stick together.
And I'm around a lot, so I'm always here to talk. <3
Open invitation.

Had no clue, luckily I'm not a parent and will never pass on my effed up genetics. I've talked to my family about it and they can't help and I know it's on me to help myself, but no matter what I do it doesn't work... I know my brother/mom/dad would feel some guilt/sad, but death is inevitable. And if life really ######6 sucks, why go on.

onebravegirl wrote:There is a huge difference between suicide and a car crash. Suicide heaps guilt on the remaining people. Did you know that if a parent kill themselves, there is an 80% chance the kids might? Suicide becomes an option to people who have had it happen within their family. What gets left behind is questions. Painful questions that no one can answer and they last a life time.
A car crash is an accident out of our control. But is someone kills themselves, there is always the ache of "I should have helped more".
I hope you keep posting here. Read about other people lives and I am sure you will find some support and care.
With Hope,
One

Saying that suicide solved nothing is subjective. What if it took away their pain? From the outside looking in from a third-person perspective it's tough to really know. That book sounds interesting... as far as the afterlife is concerned/where you go, it's all subjective/speculation while you're alive... Anyways, I feel like I'm already at the place that the book you read was talking about... I don't drink beer, feel broken, don't smile, etc. Everyday just ######6 sucks and it feels like I'm trapped/doomed/ready to die.

SmileXx wrote:We're all sick of being sick.

Over and over I thought about suicide, but I know too many people that did commit suicide...
And it solved nothing... A lot of pain to other people is all it to bring, and I just don't see what good that's done anyone.
That there's this book I read once, that presents this concept that people who commit suicide end up in this place that's just like here, except everything is slightly worse. Everything is broken, the beer is flat, you can't smile...
I don't think I want to go there, but what I just punishment THAT would be, I think...

So I get up, and I just try.
I like to say that there is no try, you either DO or you DON'T, but let's face it, all you can do it try...
Try to smile, try to feel, try to be the person I want to be.

We know how you feel...
I hope you stick around.
We have to stick together.
And I'm around a lot, so I'm always here to talk. <3
Open invitation.

Hey dude...

Where should I start with my reply... ... ...? Well, I've been where you are currently, but I'm testament to the fact that there is a way out of this with a lot of effort. Medication will never be the one thing that'll take away your problems. They more give you a gentle push rather than anything else. The real effort MUST come from you, and you cannot sit around waiting for the medication to magically improve things - it never will. What were you taking anyway? An SSRI is a mild drug but can be effective when you take it consistently over a long period of time. If you're willing to try medication again, then might I suggest that you ask your doctor for an SSRI.

Rejecting dates with girls? I did that for 4 years and now regret it. However, we learn from everything that we do and you should now know not to reject the next girl who might approach you. In fact, why wait? Who do you like now? Take a risk on trying to get to know her. You do'nt come across as a bad guy - in fact, you seem rather sensitive - and maybe she'll pick-up on that and will grow to like you.

You've tried many things to get through this, as evidenced by your long list at the beginning of your post. The one thing that you are yet to try is to just 'get on with things'. You can interpret this in whatever way you like, but it just means accepting your problems as they are and just getting on with your life whether your problems exist or not. The perfect example is me: Recently, I avoided dating girls because I had lost the drive to 'doll' myself up each day. I was waiting for the time to come when I'd have the desire to 'doll' myself up again, but it never came. So, what did I do? I started arranging dates anyway, and it was only THEN that the original desires came back.

So, just get on with your life. You'll soon realise that life isn't actually boring and that it can be a wonderful thing. Your current life isn't ideal, so change it. Don't wait around for something that might never come.

Kevin

Hey Kevin/Chucky, yeah I realize that the longer I sit in limbo between not making a decision to either try to live / commit suicide the more I'm going to stagnate and nothing will get done as I learned from this article http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2008/1 ... ecision/... The problem is that I've tried my ass off to "get on with life" but I just think it's way too predictable where I'm going to end up, what's going to happen, etc. so I see no point in living.

It's really my chronic anxiety that makes the whole dating $#%^/even maintaining friendships ######6 tough as ###$. Then I see other peeps having an easy time with it/it's natural for them and I'm like ahh ###$ it, I'm not going to even try cuz I feel so crippled by my anxiety. Even with a "fearless attitude" my brain just fires back by making me anxious as ###$ and I can't act natural/express how I really am to another person... it's all a facade masked by fear. I have maintained friendships for years and liked them when I was on $#%^ for my anxiety, but the $#%^ I was on really ###$ me up more and increased my anxiety when they stopped working. So all my friends that I made on meds were like WTF is going on with this kid, doesn't want to do anything anymore... just completely falling off the map.

So I feel like there's 3 options: A) Take drugs to reduce anxiety/depression (which I've already done and come full circle back to homeostasis) and feel mentally ###$ OR B) Live a #######5 lonesome life OR C) DIE

The problem is that I have accepted my problems for years, but am sick of accepting them... Having tried somewhere around 12 SSRI's (2 of which I was on for about 6 months each), mood stabilizers (talk about a brain ###$), I can say that they effed my brain. I feel like I put forth so much effort that I'm just sick of even trying anymore because it's so predictable where I will end up even if I put in the effort. I honestly don't give a ###$ about whether I rot in hell for eternity, I just want to die at this point but don't have the necessary $#%^ to carry through with it so I'm like damn I guess I'll post here and vent.

I realize that I can't expect to get better without first changing something - that's obvious... But at this point I'm so sick of making changes that I'd rather die than be happy again. My life just seems too predictable and absolutely ######6 pointless.

Anyways, thanks for your reply. It makes a lot of sense for sure... Can't expect any change without actually doing something different.

Chucky wrote:Hey dude...

Where should I start with my reply... ... ...? Well, I've been where you are currently, but I'm testament to the fact that there is a way out of this with a lot of effort. Medication will never be the one thing that'll take away your problems. They more give you a gentle push rather than anything else. The real effort MUST come from you, and you cannot sit around waiting for the medication to magically improve things - it never will. What were you taking anyway? An SSRI is a mild drug but can be effective when you take it consistently over a long period of time. If you're willing to try medication again, then might I suggest that you ask your doctor for an SSRI.

Rejecting dates with girls? I did that for 4 years and now regret it. However, we learn from everything that we do and you should now know not to reject the next girl who might approach you. In fact, why wait? Who do you like now? Take a risk on trying to get to know her. You do'nt come across as a bad guy - in fact, you seem rather sensitive - and maybe she'll pick-up on that and will grow to like you.

You've tried many things to get through this, as evidenced by your long list at the beginning of your post. The one thing that you are yet to try is to just 'get on with things'. You can interpret this in whatever way you like, but it just means accepting your problems as they are and just getting on with your life whether your problems exist or not. The perfect example is me: Recently, I avoided dating girls because I had lost the drive to 'doll' myself up each day. I was waiting for the time to come when I'd have the desire to 'doll' myself up again, but it never came. So, what did I do? I started arranging dates anyway, and it was only THEN that the original desires came back.

So, just get on with your life. You'll soon realise that life isn't actually boring and that it can be a wonderful thing. Your current life isn't ideal, so change it. Don't wait around for something that might never come.

Kevin

OMGBasedGod wrote:Saying that suicide solved nothing is subjective. What if it took away their pain? From the outside looking in from a third-person perspective it's tough to really know. That book sounds interesting... as far as the afterlife is concerned/where you go, it's all subjective/speculation while you're alive... Anyways, I feel like I'm already at the place that the book you read was talking about... I don't drink beer, feel broken, don't smile, etc. Everyday just ######6 sucks and it feels like I'm trapped/doomed/ready to die.

I don't think death takes away emotional pain. I think that's something you have to reconcile before death or it will follow you into the next life... but I have some pretty ridiculous thoughts on life and death, in general.

The book, if you're interested is Etgar Keret's short story "Kneller's Happy Campers" it usually comes in a collection of short stories by Keret, all of which are just as... thought-proving as that one.
It was also made into a move called Wristcutters: A Love Story, but they put a happy ending on the movie and the short story is more open-ended than happy-ended.

When I'm depressed I read a lot. I guess that's why I recommended the book more than anything.