READY TO DIE...

It sounds to me like you want to die to avoid your fears.
What are your deepest fears?You need to change your ATTITUDE. Stop saying No, I just want to die.
That may be how you feel right now, but stop saying this all the time. Perhaps then you will stop thinking this too. But if you keep on telling ppl this is all you want, you'll never change.
Right now, you're primary focus is dying. Get another primary focus like thinking about overcoming one of your deepest fears. Then in your free time (when you're not doing any activities) this should be what you think about. Sounds to me like you have a pretty normal life - exercise, working, tv, music, etc. Just the part about dying is wrong. I think this can change if you find something or someone to live for. I don't know how old your are, but what are your thoughts about finding a better job, getting married, having kids? Why do you avoid people? What harm are they causing you?

newuser wrote:Ok, I reread your earlier post and here's my recommendation:

1. Get a new dog.
2. Find a girlfriend. You're depressed after turning down only 2 girls?! Thats nothing. People turn down 30+ people. Try one of those dating sites like match.com. Just don't talk or think about suicide. Passing on your "bad" genes is a valid concern, but at least its treatable. And this problem may not come, and if it comes it comes at like age 18+. I'd take the risk.
3. Keep up with a medication. You said your root problem is anxiety which leads to depression which leads to suicidal thinking. You said xanax helped with anxiety but caused sleepiness. Well there you go. Sleepiness is better than anxiety, right?
4. Go on vacation with a girlfriend.
5. Go to bookstore and read some self-help books on dating, relationships, marriage. (B/c you said you don't know what to do as boyfriend)

newuser wrote:People on this site including me have given you very good suggestions. I say reread this whole chain, and reconsider some of these suggestions. Here's what I hear from you:

"Don't care."
"No."
"I want to die."

Ok lets start small. I think just starting to talk to girls will help.

I'm like you but not as bad as you. I am not suicidal. My alternative is to just sleep away life. I don't understand why you think sleepiness is worse than anxiety/depression when you want to die?

So you're afraid of other people dying and what to do. What "people"? Why do you fear this? Its a natural course of life. Please expand on this. Are you afraid of financial responsibility, being alone without them, etc? This fear let to anxiety which led to depression which led to suicidal thinking. So in a sense, you want to die to avoid seeing others die? Death should be natural course of action.

You seem to be knowing whats wrong with you and what you want. I guess you can take meds and stop your suicidal thinking, or just live depressed. If I was in the same boat as you (suicidal and unwilling to take meds) my family would force me into a hospital. You may want to consider admitting yourself to a hospital. Remember you would not have a choice if family forced you so just don't say "no." You can change your attitude my taking meds and exercising. You don't care about a lot of things but sounds like you're happy working and exercising. If I was really suicidal I would probably lay in bed all day/night. At least you do things. So if you can do things, you're happy, why not just contine living and change your attitude to "I do care. People care about me. I love life (or at least I want to see through it). I want to live." I don't understand what you want to accomplish/not accomplish by dying. What problem will dying solve? At least medicine will solve your anxiety/depression.

I don't know the answer to "Why not die now b/c I will eventually die"? Why do ppl in poor countries continue to keep on struggling and starving for food when they could just commit suicide?

I think suicidal thinking is a serious problem. Alot of ppl have this problem, but are not as good as you to voice it so in a sense you are role model to ppl who read this. What would you tell someone close to you who wants to die?

Seriously, does me telling you that you are a loser b/c of x,y, and z and you can find all the answers you need by googling make you happy? I don't think this is really what you want to hear so I would change your attitude. I would fear what others would have to do and think if you died and not do it for that reason alone.

Try finding an alternative. When suicidal thinking comes into your mind - go eat something. Or go to sleep in my case.

OMGBasedGod wrote:I wake up every morning wishing that I was dead and go to sleep every night hoping that I die in my sleep. I have tried to commit suicide [in the recent past] and wasn't successful...

What have I tried to overcome my depression and anxiety (over the course of years)

1. Antidepressants (12 different ones for 30 days each) + 2mood stabilizers (talk about turning me into a zombie)

2. Anti-anxiety medications (xanax, helped a little)

3. Bright Light Therapy (helped a little during the winter)

4. Meditation (terrible for me, made things WAY worse) +yoga (helped slightly)

5. Working with a therapist (for 1 year) - initially better,but then she kept telling me I have this/that/this problem and labelingme/making me feel bad

6. Working with a psychologist (CBT for 6 months) -Terrible, I think I got worse

7. Socializing more - Helped slightly

8. Joining clubs - Kept suicidal thoughts away temporarily

9. Daily exercise (I worked out HARD for over 200 daysstraight and stopped because my depression/anxiety didn't improve)

10. Self-hypnosis - just relaxing which I didn't really need

11. Krill Oil/Fish Oil supplements (for over 1 year) - mighthave helped

12. Blood testing (nothing abnormal)

13. Multivitamin supplements (just to be sure)

14. Working with a psychiatrist (for 6 months) - pretty badexperience, just threw pills at me like candy and I tried pretty mucheverything available (most made me suicidal/tired)

15. A different "highly regarded" psychiatrist - horribleexperience

15. Working with a general practitioner - not too bad of anexperience, but didn't really help much

16. Psychological testing - results were likely skewed dueto my depression on the MMPI

17. Blogging - helped a little bit

18. Setting goals - helped a little bit, but I have nomotivation anymore

19. Staying busy (working all day) – definitely helped, butI lost motivation due to depression/wanting to die/having no friends

20. Self-help books/audio - inspiring, but in the long term I revert back to homeostasis

21. Getting a job - I worked with people and like thataspect of it, but hated the actual job but stayed working for the full summer

22. Changing my sleep patterns (getting more/less sleep tosee how it affects my mood) - more sleep made me worse, too little I couldn't think, changes didn't really help...

23. Biofeedback - didn't work for s***

24. Brainwave therapy (with multiple frequencies and protocols) - definitely noticed a change, but didn't fix anything

25. Journaling - helped slightly, but hate writing about myself for myself

26. Hydrocodone – the only thing that helped, but I don'tthink it's necessarily a good long term solution and my supply is getting low...

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NOTHING HAS WORKED...

Nothing really has worked and I'm at the point where I justdon't know what to do anymore... I feel like suicide is my only option based oneverything I've tried. I'm reluctant totry any more medication because I've had such terrible experiences with all ofthem (f*cked me up beyond belief). Additionally, thepsychologists/psychiatrists/therapists are so quick to throw out a label on methat they aren't getting an accurate diagnosis/the big picture. I have anxiety that has not gone away andcaused tons of problems. I came to realize thatit's genetic and will never go away (I've tried pretty much everything I canthink of and feel like I'm in a state of "learned helplessness"because I've tried so many things [many for extended periods of time] thathaven't worked). I feel like although itfeels good to "HOPE" for the best, I feel like this "HOPE"is just deluded thinking (based on having tried so many things)... I hate when people say "ahh yeah there's always something else to try"... I agree with them, but I've tried so much stuff that I'm not willing to try anything else...

Since I've come to the conclusion that nothing is going to help, I've been trying to speed up the process of death by being as unhealthy as possible. I realize that if I stay healthy and take good care of myself, it's only going to prolong my depression/anxiety/loneliness/isolation... I want it to end. I have talked to my family about wanting to die pretty much everyday for the past month and they are supportive, but don't really understand what it feels like. I understand that suicide would really suck for them, but things really suck for me to the point that it feels to me like they are being selfish for wanting me to stay alive when they don't know how much my life sucks.

Things that happened that made my situation worse

At the beginning of the school year I moved (with aroommate) and began to hate the apartments including the location that I movedinto; but the lease was locked in for a year. The reason that I hated my apartments is because there weren't other people my agearound to socialize with and I wanted to make some new friends and have somefun and try to shake my anxiety... At this point, my depression was pretty much gone because I was hyped up in a state of high adrenaline and mostly had high anxiety. To help myself cope with the anxiety I forced myself to go out several times with old friends from previousyears, but it was tough for me with high anxiety...

Coming into the year my goals were to: make more friends,get a girlfriend, work on my own business, and graduate college. I did have theopportunity twice this year to get a girlfriend, but I pretty much turned themdown (2 girls asked me out). One of the girls had broken up with another guy and I think just wanted someone (so I pretty much said nah)... The other girl I met at school and she seemed cool, but my anxiety was ridiculously high so I said no. I turned them down both times because I was too anxious and am inexperienced (basicallyscared)... I don't think I'm necessarily afraid of intimacy per se, just afraidof not really knowing what to do as a boyfriend and freaked out. (My social anxiety coming into play here)...

Anyways, this year I got really depressed after turning downone of the girls that asked me out because I was super lonely. Since there wasnobody around to talk to (at my apartments because my roommate is gone a lot) and I had anxiety, I embraced the lonely life. Istarted drinking, trying to entertain myself, used the computer, etc. I alsostarted taking hydrocodone pills because I became severely depressed...

I went from being fairly extroverted/anxious/productive to introverted/depressed/anxious/isolated as a resultof the following which occurred in rapid-fire sequence over about 3 months...

1. Starting with two girls asking me out and me feelingdepressed that my anxiety/inexperience caused me to turn them down - Turning them down lowered my self-esteem and made me seriously depressed and emotional because I felt like I have no hope in the dating dept.

2. School started and I'm in apartments away from other students/people so it made it tough to socialize easy

3. Next was I tried a dietary experiment "IntermittentFasting" (eating one day on/one day off for 30 days) and this causedemotional upheavals and severe depression

4. During the experiment, my dog that I've had for 14 yearsdied - this was traumatic for me and my entire family was severely depressed

5. Both my parents lost their jobs - this was super depressing

6. I isolated myself and felt really suicidal/depressed, butpushed myself to go in for therapy... when I got to therapy, I didn't reallytell all that I should have because I was apathetic and depressed...
I took the MMPI and was diagnosed with: "schizoid personality disorder" and "avoidant personality disorder"... I personally don't think I have "schizoid PD" because anxiety and severe depression (like I had) mimic many of the symptoms... The isolation was a result of the depression/substance abusing that I was doing IMO. I have empathy, can relate to others, desired relationships before my depression.

7. At the same time, my cousin was depressed and my brothermoved out of town - 2 people I talk to often and this made me more depressed

8. I tried meditating for 30 days because I read it was goodfor your brain/anxiety/depression, but it made me even MORE depressed

9. I stopped working out daily/eating healthy/starteddrinking alcohol and taking hydrocodone - although unhealthy, I didn't know what to do anymore since I don't know how to commit suicide

10. I've tried to pull myself out of this state by readinggood self-help articles, therapy, working out again, talking to people about what I've experienced - none has helped

11. I still feel lonely as hell, even though I do somesocial activities during the week with friends, I also talk to my roommateevery day and family - I still just want to die

Therapy - A ######6 TERRIBLE EXPERIENCE

I took the initiative to get myself in to see a therapistand she wasn't making any progress in our first few sessions because my anxiety prevented me from openlydisclosing certain things that were bothering me. She got super frustrated andstarted throwing random diagnoses at me saying: you might have bipolardisorder, you might have aspergers, you might have this/that, etc. I KNEW Ididn't have either of those, but decided to take some tests for psychiatricdisorders/mood disorders/personality disorders.

The results of the tests came back and showed that I have"Avoidant Personality Disorder" as well as "Schizoid PersonalityDisorder." Most people that know me, even if they knew what the definitionfor avoidant personality disorder and schizoid personality disorder wouldprobably not think that I have either, but I wasn't sure... Now, when I go tosee my therapist, she keeps telling me that I have Schizoid personalitydisorder and Avoidant PD and that these types of individuals don't respond wellto therapy, etc. I thought that mood disorders needed to be ruled out before aPD is diagnosed but I guess I am wrong...

I think that I was SEVERELY depressed after a combination ofthings that I experienced including: loneliness from lack of people my agearound to talk to, my anxiety, death of my dog (who I really loved a lot),turning down girls for relationships (due to inexperience), a super longwinter/lack of sunlight, the fact that my brother moved away, the fact that Idon't have any close/intimate relationships, etc. I do hang out with myroommate and some other people several times a week for hours at a time, Idon't know what to do anymore or if I am avoidant and schizoid. I can easilyrelate to other people, like to joke around, and usually feel happier aroundother people, but I cut myself off from all social contact and have gone intoisolation after my experiences this year.

When I took the MMPI test in this depressed state, I answered all of the questions saying that: "I didn't want to be around people," "I don't want relationships," "I don't have any friends," etc. Some of which were not actually true, but I was depressed/apathetic to the point where I just lowered myself by making myself look as bad as possible on the test even though I wasn't answering honestly.

My therapist keeps jamming the fact that the test resultsshowed I have Schizoid personality disorder/Avoidant PD back down my throat...but I'm not convinced that it's an accurate diagnosis. Although I took athorough test to help her out with my personality, I think the results wereskewed based on the fact that I was really depressed. I answered honestly onthe test saying that: I prefer to be alone, avoid social relationships, don'tlike to be around people etc. because I that's how I was feeling at the timewhile super depressed. She (my therapist) is convinced that I answered MOREACCURATELY on the test results because I was depressed... doesn't make sense to me. She then went on to saythat my anxiety/depression is a symptom of both avoidant/schizoid personality disordersand not the cause for either set of symptoms.

Before my depression I took a look at the schizoid symptoms to see if I fit them...

1) neither desires nor enjoys close relationships, includingbeing part of a family - I always have enjoyed being part of a family and havedesired to have close relationships with others, but my anxiety made it hard.
2) almost always chooses solitary activities - I would saythat if given the choice, I do usually choose solitary activities because I amanxious. However, when my anxiety is lowered, I like to be with others.
3) has little, if any, interest in having sexual experienceswith another person - I had tons of interest in having sex with a partner upuntil this year.
4) takes pleasure in few, if any, activities - Coming intothe year, I took pleasure in pretty much every activity that I did whether itwas working, working out, talking to others, playing poker, etc.
5) lacks close friends or confidants other than first-degreerelatives - I will say that this is somewhat true. I do talk to other peopleabout my life, but don't feel comfortable sharing the fact that I am depressedwith a bunch of my friends because I don't want to look like a weak person... Ishould say that I am very close with my cousin (talking to him daily andsharing the fact that I was super depressed/have anxiety/etc), but my therapistcounted him as a "first degree relative."
6) appears indifferent to the praise or criticism of others- Definitely does not fit me.
7) shows emotional coldness, detachment, or flattened affect- Not sure about this one... when I am depressed, definitely. However, insocial situations, I would say that I'm actually emotionally warm...
8.) Limited capacity to express either positive or negativeemotions towards others - NOT AT ALL.
9) Indifference to social norms and conventions. - Not sureon this one.
10) Preoccupation with fantasy and introspection - Notreally although I became more introspective this year when I started meditatingand journaling to try to overcome my depression.

Learned helplessness/life is worthless/want to die

After realizing that my anxiety was too tough to deal withand overcome, I decided that my life was worthless. I gave up on my business, goals, the thoughtsof a relationship, socializing, and the things I used to enjoy becameboring/dumb to me. It just seems thatI've always struggled in the past with social activities because of my anxietyand due to the fact that I could not cope with it, I became depressed. The person that I wanted to be in this lifewas significantly out of reach and I just felt like I was deluding myself thewhole time thinking that I could become someone that I clearly never will.

I realize that there are a number of positive things about my life: Ilook good, people like me, I can fit in easily, etc. However, I just don't have any reason tocontinue on because nothing is enjoyable anymore. Additionally, the fact that my therapist toldme I'm Schizoid and Avoidant and said that they cannot be overcome really mademe even more suicidal... I just felt like a totally effed up kid that shouldn't be here. Additionally, I feel like when I die the planet will benefit because all I do is burn resources and don'tcontribute... I have no desire to contribute anything right now and nolonger even want a girlfriend because I feel like if I did have kids one day,they would have effed up genetics because of me.

I feel like I am going to live a lonely/pointless life if I continue on and the thought of it makes me wish I was dead... I have tons of social opportunities (friends are always asking me to do stuff, but I always turn them down or make something up because of my anxiety/depression)... Anyways, I don't have any intimate connections, feel isolated,suicidal, and don't find anything in life pleasurable anymore. I'm not expecting people on here to have the answers,but I need to post this up and share my experience...

Sleepy_Cats wrote:I realize the last post is almost a month old now, but I've been reading this thread and was wondering what your status is now?
My situation isn't like yours, but there are a few similarities. I have felt, and to some extent still do feel, that living isn't worth it. I originally stayed alive because I have cats and couldn't leave them behind. Other reasons have crept up on me. What I wanted to say is that I do understand to some extent. I also think it is very frustrating when you just want someone to listen to you and you get tons of advice, whether it's good advice or not.

Chucky wrote:If you have suicidal thoughts for a long time, then it will take a long time for them to disappear. After my two sucide attempts, I gradually began to improve things, but the 'residual' sucidal thoughts stayed with me for a couple of years afterwards, even though for all intents and purposes I was happy. They eventually fade when different parts of your customs/habits change too.

Kevin

annemarie1989 wrote:I know exactly what you are going through. You are not alone. <3 I have had countless suicidal thoughts. I tried to OD many a time, but couldn't bring myself to do it. I was prescribed anti-depressants, tried many different kinds, and they didn't work. I know exactly where you are coming from. But you need to think about something important. Somewhere in this great big world, someone is reaching out to you. I Am. I am telling you, even though I don't know you at all, the you are LOVED and CARED about. If I knew you, I would hug you, kiss you, or something right now. And I am not trying to be fake. I am completely sincere. I understand what you are going through. I am here if you ever need to talk. I know you posted this a long time ago, I am a new user. I hope you are okay right now. I know the ongoing battles of depression. I am pretty sure I have bi-polar, but I was diagnosed with depression. If you need someone to talk to, I am here. Just know that you are not alone in these thoughts.

Sincerely Yours,
Anne Marie