Purpose

So I've had problems with the black dog for as long as I can remember, diagnosed with clinical depression at six and all that sob story B.S...
I've tried a pretty large variety of things to assist me with it: Professional help, amateur counseling, talking to friends, parents, teachers, christianity, Daoism, Druidry, Carlos Casteneda's fabricated theology, SSRIs, NRIs, MRIs, Anti-convulsants, Anti-Psychotics, anxiety medications, Fish oil, cutting, alcoholism, heavy marijuana use, intense physical exercise, co-dependency, journaling, striking inanimate objects; the whole lot of it, and I haven't really found any method of coping satisfactory.

I've more recently come to terms with the fact that I'm never going to be completely rid of depression; and for a while I thought I was doing a pretty good job of holding it off by myself, but I've been spiraling back into the cycle as of late. I tried reaching out to an instructor, which proved to be helpful for a short while, but of course I simply regressed back to my former self.

For a long time I held out on the hope that I would find the medication/recreational drug/girl which would assign meaning to my life, but recently realized that if I'm to discover happiness it'll be found within myself; not any variety of extrinsic source.
It seems like I can't find any consistent happiness in my person.

I guess I've been thinking about killing myself constantly.
At this point I'm not contemplating it to desperately grab at pity or empathy (which I know sounds completely contradictory considering the fact that I'm groveling on an internet forum), or in the name of some misguided "this is my just revenge upon the world" sense of melodrama; but really because I see it as a way to stop all these negative feelings.
Like I could finally work up the courage and kinda step off the ride, not have to worry about things anymore.

I'm hoping I an get some advice from some people who have possibly dealt with the same thing I have, and hopefully succeeded.
How am I going to find a sense of purpose, some kind of meaning for my life?
How can I find a reason to live?

I'm a fairly selfish person, so I don't give enough of a ###$ about anyone who cares for me to continue living under conditions I find so undesirable. I've developed my religious beliefs pretty thoroughly, and know I could never find solace in any form of organized theology. I have no desire to take any more medications, as they assist me in being a bizarre freak who mutilates himself with nail clippers and carves "###$ chris" into his forearm.

I don't really want to talk to anyone in my life about these problems either. I'm tired of burdening everyone else with my neurotic horse $#%^, and revealing it to them never really does anything productive anyways. It doesn't seem like anyone is really equipped to shoulder such a load, and I can tell they're as sick of all this as I am.

Now I don't have the cajones to kill myself in any manner that I imagine would be painful, so there's not really a risk of it until I can get my hands on a gun or a large dose of barbiturates, but if there's any way you could help please do.

I'm ready to listen to any suggestions or advice you may have.
Thank you.

I can kinda understand your situation. I am now in my fifties, but came under the radar of the education specialists at age 5 because of a speech impediment and slow deveopment. Not the same as depression, but it always meant that I was treated differently by teachers. It sort of institutionalises you a little and maybe protects you a little from the world around you. For me that is the biggest factor in my life I think. However, when it comes down to it institutions and organistions are just a collection of people.

I cannot offer you more than perhaps some of my thoughts. Writing this post has made me think hard though and that was as a result of your post.

I hate to mention it, but it is an option for seemingly incurable depression. What about Electro-Convulsive Therapy? ECT.

Just thought I'd mention it.