What's wrong with me

I don't want to live. The only reason I am because I haven't got the guts yet. But lately I'm less and less scared of dieing.

For the most part my life is/was good. I have faked my way into a great job as a computer network engineer. I don't have the education or knowledge that is required but I have seemed to skate by for almost 10 years.

I have never in my life been able to read a full book. I'll be lucky if I can commit to getting through the 1st chapter.

My wife is disabled and when she is in the hospital I can't stay with her for more than an hour.

I can't make a decision about anything to save my life.

Tomorrow just seems like something that is going to be worse than today. Today feels like hell so I always wonder whats worse than hell, I'll see tomorrow.

I have made some recent mistakes that will make my life, the rest of my life even worse. It it was so clear that doing these things would be a mistake but I didn't see it.

I always want to die but I don't have the strength for suicide, but I put myself in situations every day that would get me killed. The people I associate with and the places I go are the most dangerous people and places I've ever seen. And even that hasn't worked because somehow I fit right on in with the rest of the hopeless.

I can't sit still for 2 minutes. I angry all of the time. I lost my faith in God or maybe I'm just angry at him. I watch a T.V. show and have no idea what it was about immediately after its over. I'm 39 years old and never had a real fight in my life until 12 months ago and have had 6 of them since then. I've got shot in the ribs 9 months ago and wouldn't tell anyone or go to the hospital and it just healed up.

Some tell me whats wrong with me. I think very soon things are going to really go bad.

Troy,

It does sound like you are having quite a few struggles with life. Depression most certainly is a possibility. Do you have the resources to see a doctor? I think that would be the best place to start.

Kathy

hey troy,

i understand what you're going through. to be honest, i think life is a load of $#%^. the things you look forward to always end up being worse than you expected. when people tell you "think positively" and you do, you always end up getting dissappointed. anyways, i've been in a situation kind of smiliar to yours. i'm less than half your age, and i'm not married. but i have tried to kill myself before. i had thought about it for years. finally i got in a fight with my "best friends" that had treated me like crap for years. i couldn't deal with what they were putting me through. and yea, i finally decided to just give up. but the thing that kept me back from doing it all the years before was that i knew how bad it would hurt my family. i couldn't do that to them. i kept on getting so close. i would step out in the middle of the street. i would imagine driving myself into a pole. or jumping off a bridge. anything. but i was never able to do it because i realized that if i were to do that, it would be telling my family that they weren't worth living for. my family hadn't done anything wrong. maybe your family has done something that upset you, i don't know. they could be your biggest issue. but it sounds to me like your wife needs you. think about what life would be like for her if you did something like that. it's the hardest thing in the world seeing how much you've hurt your family. while i was in teh hospital recovering from what i did, my parents kept on crying and crying. the couldn't stop imagining what could have happened. i still wish i could end it, every day. some how i don't think life is going to get any better. but i do it for the people i love. and i know it's hard to see sometimes if you even love someone that much. but you have to know that there are people who love YOU a lot, and it would just kill them knowing that you didn't consider them a reason to live. i wish you all the luck in the world. i know this is a huge struggle. and i don't know your whole situation at all. just keep your hopes up, and please don't give up. it will hurt many more than you know.

Troy,

Please see a doctor as soon as you can. I understand what you are going through. I went through the same thing. I started drinking too much and used other drugs. I thought that feeling nothing at all was a lot better than feeling so bad.

I finally went to the doctor. I thought, "what do I have to lose?" He put me on two different kind of medications. They have helped a lot. Not that they solved all my problems, but at least I feel like I can deal with them.

Missy

missyn wrote:I finally went to the doctor. I thought, "what do I have to lose?"

Yeah, that's what I finally did too. It took a long time to get the courage to do it though. I'm glad that I did.

missyn wrote:They have helped a lot. Not that they solved all my problems, but at least I feel like I can deal with them.

I think that's the key: use the meds only enough to get you to a point where you can effectively tackle issues.

word you all, best to go and see somone, and medication can always help you get over the slump a bit, or well pull you out a bit, and just enough to get you a little more hope and help you think clearer:) it helped me once, evry much:)good luck troy