Effort

I have found that even the simplest of things needs the largest amount of effort when you have CD.
Getting out of bed is such a struggle for me. I even can't gain the effort to brush my teeth twice a day any more.
Do you always need a trigger to feel depressed? I just find myself having the same dark thoughts over and over again even if nothing has gone wrong or upset me. It's almost too much of an effort even to try and be happy some days.
I know everyone says to be positive for those around you, why? If they can't handle it then maybe they shouldn't be around you. You should be loved for who you are and if you're a depressed person they should love you that way. I'm lucky in the fact I have someone like that I guess but I have had people dump me in the past for being depressed so I know how that feels, it doesn't make things better.
To have the effort to look after yourself and care for someone else is even harder though, has anyone else found this? But in emergencies you just cope because it's like instinct, then you sink back down afterwards.
I don't even walk my dog any more poor pup. I can just about make myself go into the garden to feed the rabbits but past that back gate... nuh uh. Don't worry the little chap still gets his exercise just someone else has to take him.
I think I've become so sad I'm nearly numb. I want to cry all the time but I can't so my only release is cutting. Found a new way of covering my shoulder too, which should have been obvious. Use a mirror! I get a better view of the blade slowly sinking into my skin and leaving lovely fresh tracks into the paler flesh beneath... just the thought is a little relaxing.
I find it funny how people have totally different reactions to the same thing. When some people are depressed they eat more, some eat less. Some sleep more, some sleep less. Some hurt others, some hurt themselves. Strange how each individual works. Don't you think?

You may feel like your sinking hun, but you are reaching out here and I want you to know that I hear you. Honestly thats what I think you need most too. Someone to here you. Every single person on this earth need s to feel heard, acknowledged for where they are at and understood.
You sound so tired, and I feel for you. I hope that you have help out side of this anonymous stage. I am sorry but I have forgotten, do you see a therapist? I think talking to a professional one on one might be of some relief to you. A warm pair of eye listening to your feelings can offer what this place cannot.
Im not saying hat this place is not going to give you what you need. But I think a person too might be of even more help.
I hope you keep writing here.
You have a talent for self expression you know. Write here all you need.
I am here to and I will try and be as supportive as I can.
Take care Butterfly.

What the? Something odd just happened, Sorry for the duplicate post Butterfly. Somehow the message I typed here was something meant for another thread.
How ya doing?

I'm confuzled, my reply post isn't even here now...

I'll post it again, thank got for cut and paste!

Thanks babe it's really nice to know you're still around.
I've recently got back into therapy but my mind is all over the place my appointment was last week and I thought it was this week so I've had to reschedule it all again. It's group this time though and I will be in an "understanding yourself" programme. If that doesn't work out I'm having a go at art therapy.
I don't think I have a talent for self expression, venting and annoying people maybe! lol
I feel tired, it's amazing how you got that. Not just physically tired either though I am as it is midnight here. Tired of life being unfair, tired of trying and getting no where, tired of telling the truth to people and being knocked back for it. But alas I am still standing here (well laying actually but I can't stand on the bottom bunk!).
I still try and help others the best I can even if I feel like having a panic attack in the middle of it. Feeling like everything wrong is my fault though it is a ridiculous conclusion and then just chide myself for thinking so which again makes me feel worse, a never ending circle of gloom with the painted on happy façade cracking and peeling in the vulnerability that is our atmosphere.
As I once wrote in a poem of mine "but still the world turn round and round, find your heart in the lost and found" X

BB, you really would fly in art therapy. Things dont always need words in order to be expressed. Group therapy was not my favorite by far. To each their own.
I did love art therapy. I started beading-that lead to making jewery and a near bead addiction. Felt so good to create something!!!! Using my hands helped calm me. Colors and materials can do something that words do not leave behind. Something tangible to hold and feel. It felt like I was holding apiece of me and that made me feel more real and less numb.
I like that you have this thread. We can talk here.
love from me,
One

Ah see I create threads in times where not only I need to talk but it helps others too so that makes me feel a little better, trying to type quietly is tough though, everyone is asleep in my house!
I thought art therapy would be better for me but as I'm confused and I do not know what it is that I'm doing or where I'm going they thought understanding yourself programme would help with that.
I've never tried group therapy, I fear I'll either feel my problems are insignificant compared to others or that I wont end up saying anything in fear others will pass them off also as ridiculous or that my problems are so out there and different that everyone is shocked by them and I seem like a freak. Art therapy would also be held as a form of group therapy though but the group is much much smaller.
I'm also one to get calmer by using my hands, I often knit to relax me if I start going a little over the top or start to bake a lot then everyone has to eat all sorts of different cookies before they start to go soft!

P.S.
My typing was still too loud, it woke the dog who started barking and woke the house and neighbours I think... yaaaay...