Depressed, isolated and lonely... Help me?

Hi everyone - I am Mellina

I am new to this forum and this is my first post. I'm depressed and I'm feeling sick.
I've been fighting depression for years since I was a kid, now I'm 19 and my life feels so empty and meaningless. I have no friends to talk to about my problems and that's why I'm here today typing this message while I'm crying lost in my misery.
I used to cut myself but I managed to stop hurting myself after I started writing stories and poems... yeah, for some ppl it may seem silly, but it's a great way to cope with the pain of being lonely.
I forgot how to smile and maybe I don't know what happiness is... Sorry, if my English sounds messed up - this is not my mother tongue.

Well, I'm here today to ask your help... 10 months ago I decided I didn't want to live anymore and I started planning a painless suicide O_O I pretty much isolated myself from the world outside. Since then I didnt speak to anybody besides my mom who is always trying to help me to 'live' but I'm afraid she's giving up on trying to 'cheer me up'.

My family is very strict about psychiatry and they dont want me to get professional help because they say a 'pdoc' would just 'drug/sedate me' and then I'd sleep all day long 24/7 - antidepressants are horrible drugs for them... All they want me to do is to get out of my bed and get a job and go to the college. Yes, I want to live and get a job and go to the college of course, but sometimes I can't even move when I'm sad... that's why I feel like I'm disconnected from the real world...! I'm afraid of going out, I'm living like a "vampire", just coming out of my room at night, because I hate sunlight... When I'm all alone, I just want to drink until I drop in the dark of my room, smoking and listening to melancholic songs... Oh.. Everybody thinks I wanna die... And sometimes it seems that they're already ready for my funeral... I am getting crazy, I guess. I'm a mess. I'm broken and no one wants to fix me.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure I'm suffering from Anxiety (I feel all the horrible symptoms) =(

Yes I'm confused about my life but believe me, I want to live, and I want someone to tell me that after almost a year locked up inside my room it's still possible to start a new life...

Thanks for reading... Sorry if it seems just horrible... My life is horrible. That's it.

See You...

Mellina.

Hi Mellina,

Welcome. I hope you will find these forums helpful.

I think it’s great that you have a positive attitude. That you can be feeling so miserable, yet be determined to live and start a new life is wonderful…you must be a strong person. I’ve always found it difficult to get out of a depressive rut.

There are people here with a wide variety of backgrounds, many of whom will have experienced depression in some way. I don’t know much about how to improve depressive thinking (such as with Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) or anti-depressants – perhaps others will share their suggestions.

These are just my tips (which may or may not work for you!)

One idea that helped me focus on what I wanted was to write an obituary. If you’re not sure what that is, it’s the story people write about a person’s life after they’ve died, usually detailing a person’s character and life experiences or achievements. They appear in most newspapers each week (for significant people who’ve passed-away.) Write an obituary for yourself, but not as if you died now, but as if you died as an old person. Think about what you’d like people to write about your life. It’s a made-up story of course, so you can write about your children and what kind of parent you were to them, or your career achievements, or anything else that interests you. What would you like other people to think were your key achievements or personal qualities?

Doing this activity helped me to see what I wanted out of life, and what really mattered to me. It is not hard to feel depressed if you are being pressured to follow a life path that does not interest you, or that does not match your values.

When you have a better idea of what you want, think about how you can get there. If you’re used to the same routine (such as living like a vampire), don’t expect to change overnight. Changes may feel unfamiliar and scary at first, and you probably won’t enjoy them. So try to force yourself to think long term. Think about what will make you happy in a year's time, not just today.

You will know what activities are the hardest for you. If you really hate the sunlight, try getting some exercise or socialising at night. If you really hate socialising, try going for a walk or a swim alone. It's okay to find some things difficult. We all have weaknesses. Just making small changes may help a lot.

Try to cut back your drinking. Alcohol is a depressant, so it may make you feel worse. Eating a healthy diet and taking multivitamins may help, as a lack of some vitamins and minerals can cause depression (or make it worse). Try to take good care of yourself – tell yourself you deserve it! If you think you’d enjoy it, get a haircut or a massage, or treat yourself in some other positive way.

If you are feeling anxious, try to work out what it is you are worried about. Sometimes we imagine things to be much worse in our heads than they really are. If you try to think about things logically, you may be able to talk yourself into feeling more comfortable. If you are anxious about what other people think, remember that most people are too busy worrying about themselves to spend much time judging you or your behaviour!

See if you can find someone to talk to, whether it is a counsellor, a doctor, or somebody else you trust. Just having someone who will listen to you can be very helpful. (Rather than bottling-up your thoughts.) If you need help, it is okay to ask for it – you do not have to get through this on your own.

I hope you feel happier soon.

PS Your English is excellent!

Platypus wrote:Hi Mellina,
Welcome. I hope you will find these forums helpful.
I think it’s great that you have a positive attitude. That you can be feeling so miserable, yet be determined to live and start a new life is wonderful…you must be a strong person. I’ve always found it difficult to get out of a depressive rut.

Hi Platypus! And thanks for answering.. You have no idea how your words are helpful... Reading your reply just made my day! I just read this today early morning right after I woke up, very depressed as always... and your reply just made me realize I'm not alone in this and yes, there's hope and a life outside just waiting for me, thank you again. Then I decided to go outside and walk in my city park, just to watch the other people living, I even bought a Goethe's book... And then... just leaving my 'vampiric life' at home made me feel surprisingly different...I felt good... and quite alive for the very first time in moths of isolation, pain and sadness!

You say I must a strong person... maybe I am and I don't even know it yet. I really hope your life improves each day more.

Platypus wrote:There are people here with a wide variety of backgrounds, many of whom will have experienced depression in some way. I don’t know much about how to improve depressive thinking (such as with Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) or anti-depressants – perhaps others will share their suggestions.

Yes, I will be here waiting for the other replies

Platypus wrote:These are just my tips (which may or may not work for you!)
One idea that helped me focus on what I wanted was to write an obituary. If you’re not sure what that is, it’s the story people write about a person’s life after they’ve died, usually detailing a person’s character and life experiences or achievements. They appear in most newspapers each week (for significant people who’ve passed-away.) Write an obituary for yourself, but not as if you died now, but as if you died as an old person. Think about what you’d like people to write about your life. It’s a made-up story of course, so you can write about your children and what kind of parent you were to them, or your career achievements, or anything else that interests you. What would you like other people to think were your key achievements or personal qualities?
Doing this activity helped me to see what I wanted out of life, and what really mattered to me. It is not hard to feel depressed if you are being pressured to follow a life path that does not interest you, or that does not match your values.

Good idea, my friend... an fictional obituary... very interesting... I keep a 'depression' journal, now I'll start writing an obituary like you said, maybe it will help me to want to live not just exist.

Platypus wrote:When you have a better idea of what you want, think about how you can get there. If you’re used to the same routine (such as living like a vampire), don’t expect to change overnight. Changes may feel unfamiliar and scary at first, and you probably won’t enjoy them. So try to force yourself to think long term. Think about what will make you happy in a year's time, not just today.
You will know what activities are the hardest for you. If you really hate the sunlight, try getting some exercise or socialising at night. If you really hate socialising, try going for a walk or a swim alone. It's okay to find some things difficult. We all have weaknesses. Just making small changes may help a lot.

Today I've found out I'm not a vampire lol - and the sunlight didn't hurt my skin like it used to do... maybe it's a good sign. There's a lake not far from my house (yes, I live in a very small city, almost a village surrounded by nature, lakes, rivers, etc) - I'll start swimming to ease my everyday soliture, maybe it's going to help me with my anxiety... I used to be afraid of water when I was planning a suicide... but today, when i was looking at a river, I didn't feel like jumping off the bridge... oh hope no one thinks it's too sick or crazy.

Platypus wrote:Try to cut back your drinking. Alcohol is a depressant, so it may make you feel worse. Eating a healthy diet and taking multivitamins may help, as a lack of some vitamins and minerals can cause depression (or make it worse). Try to take good care of yourself – tell yourself you deserve it! If you think you’d enjoy it, get a haircut or a massage, or treat yourself in some other positive way.

I'm trying hard to stop drinking/smoking when I'm nervous, thus I threw bottles and cigarrettes away when I got home after walking in the park.

Platypus wrote:If you are feeling anxious, try to work out what it is you are worried about. Sometimes we imagine things to be much worse in our heads than they really are. If you try to think about things logically, you may be able to talk yourself into feeling more comfortable. If you are anxious about what other people think, remember that most people are too busy worrying about themselves to spend much time judging you or your behaviour!

This is my biggest problem, worrying too much about the other and forgetting about my own LIFE. Damn.

Platypus wrote:See if you can find someone to talk to, whether it is a counsellor, a doctor, or somebody else you trust. Just having someone who will listen to you can be very helpful. (Rather than bottling-up your thoughts.) If you need help, it is okay to ask for it – you do not have to get through this on your own.

Well, I just started seeking for a psychiatrist in my city... Wish me good luck. I don't care if my family hates doctor. They don't need help. I need help. It's time to start thinking about my life, not about them!

Platypus wrote:I hope you feel happier soon.

Thank you one more time... and plz forgive me if I just wrote too much for you to read...!

Platypus wrote:PS Your English is excellent!

Thanks! I've been studying this language for about 3 years... English is my addiction, can't stop learning it lol

Best Regards, and C-ya around!

Mellina...

If you hadnt said english was not your mother tongue i would never have known lol
Anyway welcome to the forums!

I just wanted to say a few things to you Mellina.
I can fully understand how you feel inside.
My signature has a link that tells alot about what i experienced when i was just a few years older than you are now.And i have suffered with depression for about 8-12 years.
Im happy to say i am free of it now and also because i suffered it so bad like you do i am much much stronger a person because of it.
Once you come out the other side you will be able to look back at your experience and see just how strong and capable you are.
When you went outside that day,consider what you might have been doing instead and remember you are able to do anything that other people can do and i personally think because of your dark experience you also have insights they will never have.
As Platypus wrote i too believe a healthy diet,exercise and cuttign down on drinking are very important.The smoking isnt so great too but i believe the drinking and eating healthy is a very very very important priority

If you have sensitivity to light it may be for a valid reason also.
It could just be you have been keeping the curtains closed and hiding away too(i did this alot) but if your experiencing other symptoms like depression for no apparent reason,confusion,anxiety i recommend doing some research and learning about your body and mind as i have.
I agree with your parents about psychiatry, but i also know if you cannot be diagnosed or helped imediately by a counselor then sometimes anti depressants can help lift that fog on a temporary bases ONLY.
I was on them for years when i had whats known as Candida Albacans(please check you do not have it too! its extremely common).In the end after 8+ years of extreme depression,anxiety,confusion all i needed to do was go on a restricted diet! and i was fixed!
Unfortunatly there are alot of things doctors will miss and miss prescribe.So that is why i believe using doctors and doing your own research is important.Both have uses.
I think you should consider a counselor at least if you cannot lift this weight off your shoulders in your current situation.
You dont have to take drugs to talk to someone who is apart from your situation.Someone neutral with no judgment.

You know i am envious of you too in some ways
You are only 19 years old.
The human personality only starts to form fully after he age of twelve or so.Think at what an early stage you are in your life experience.
I am 30 now and i can hear the clock ticking haha
Im not old but i must remember to make the very most of my next 20 years before i start to turn old lol
Hmm what can i do in 20 years?
ALOT..
What can you do in 30 years? alot more!

I know you will recover and i just hope you figure out whats causing it sooner than later.Pay no attention to how others percieve you either.You mention they are waiting for you to do something or not.Forget them and learn to live healthy,happy and love what you have that others will never.What i mean by that is your ability to see the good after feeling so bad.
Ying and Yang it keeps me going.You must love your dark side and also your light, and appreciate them both for what they are and what you can learn from them.
For me i lost my job and have spent the last 2 years researching online to figure myself out.
It seemed to work for me eventually.But i did it all alone and could have found help with a counsellor or psychologist.

One of my main issues which was a habit i built was to do with my own feelings and image of myself.
You will need to take your dark and light side and put them together i think.And when you are more complete and know your black and white you will be able to feel stronger and confident in yourself again.
I say black instead of weaknesses,because your weaknsses are also your strength if you take and learn from them and your light side can be your weakness if you do not remember your dark side
This is the oppurtunity you have that others may not who have had a more or less easy life.
I have read of studies which show a challenging life is more fullfilling when you survive than a life too easy.

So i wish you a speedy recovery and i hope you truly find and appreciate yourself in time.
If you have any questions i am happy to answer all.
And i hope you keep us updated on your progress.
It really makes me so happy when i see somebody finding themselves again and turning their life around.This could be your first step that will get you running

EYPICSYL wrote:If you hadnt said english was not your mother tongue i would never have known lol
Anyway welcome to the forums!
I just wanted to say a few things to you Mellina.
I can fully understand how you feel inside.
My signature has a link that tells alot about what i experienced when i was just a few years older than you are now.And i have suffered with depression for about 8-12 years.
Im happy to say i am free of it now and also because i suffered it so bad like you do i am much much stronger a person because of it.

Hey Eypicsyl, thanks for answering! Your words just brought tears to my eyes ^^ I'm glad to hear you're feeling better now. You've been through a lot because of that illness (hard to pronounce lol) I wish you all the best in your life!
Your post about the illness is very informative, thank God I don't like sugar or have the symptons you described there.... My problems are more 'mental' - the last 3 years I've been suffering from a horrible hurting sensation inside my stomach and sometimes I can't even drink water or I might throw up. The doctor said "it was all in my head" - including the pains caused by Fybromialgia - sometimes I can't even get up when I'm lying in my bed. I feel immobilized. I can't move a muscle without feeling pain. I don't know how many times I spent a whole night crying in my room because of my 'condition'. That's why I'm here to get it off my chest. Last year I had terrible chest pains I even believed I was having a heart attack once, and ended up in the ER just to hear the stupid doctor on duty saying "I was just nervous" and he made me take pills of Valium - end of story. Sometimes I just don't like to talk to 'strangers' about my problems... Even doctors lol.

I want to become a new stronger person this year...! I'm happy to hear you're a stronger person now.

EYPICSYL wrote:Once you come out the other side you will be able to look back at your experience and see just how strong and capable you are.
When you went outside that day,consider what you might have been doing instead and remember you are able to do anything that other people can do and i personally think because of your dark experience you also have insights they will never have.
As Platypus wrote i too believe a healthy diet,exercise and cuttign down on drinking are very important.The smoking isnt so great too but i believe the drinking and eating healthy is a very very very important priority

Yes Eypicsyl, I want to look back at this life someday and finally breathe without feeling bad about the 'time' I wasted being depressed...
I'll do a research on the "Healthy diet" subject. I also agree with you both. I even like whole food lol Fish, etc.
Exercising... oh how I miss the old times when I used to play soccer at school.. I was a good player lol I remember my grandfather telling me he would want to see me becoming a professional soccer player lol - I was better than the guys But damn, I stopped playing when my depression started to bother my mind and health... I was about 13. Actually I was a depressed kid because of my parents. Especially my father who is an abusive man - he likes to shout at me, say i'm worthless, i'm useless and that i don't have a job... etc... And right now I'm still living with him because I have no other place right now to go... and my grandparents live far from here in a farm house!

I'm glad to tell you that I threw away the bottles of vodka and beer I had hidden under my bed but the cigarettes... oh heck... I'll get rid of them as well, some another day LOL

EYPICSYL wrote:If you have sensitivity to light it may be for a valid reason also.
It could just be you have been keeping the curtains closed and hiding away too(i did this alot) but if your experiencing other symptoms like depression for no apparent reason,confusion,anxiety i recommend doing some research and learning about your body and mind as i have.

I think you right. Maybe I'm sensitive to the sunlight because I spent too much time closed behind the heavy curtains of my room... Currently I am pale as a ghost lol a la Morticia Adams... Today, early morning I went out to walk in my city Park and the sunlight didn't bother me at all... Maybe it's a progress? I hope so!

EYPICSYL wrote:I agree with your parents about psychiatry, but i also know if you cannot be diagnosed or helped imediately by a counselor then sometimes anti depressants can help lift that fog on a temporary bases ONLY.
I was on them for years when i had whats known as Candida Albacans(please check you do not have it too! its extremely common).In the end after 8+ years of extreme depression,anxiety,confusion all i needed to do was go on a restricted diet! and i was fixed!
Unfortunatly there are alot of things doctors will miss and miss prescribe.So that is why i believe using doctors and doing your own research is important.Both have uses.
I think you should consider a counselor at least if you cannot lift this weight off your shoulders in your current situation.
You dont have to take drugs to talk to someone who is apart from your situation.Someone neutral with no judgment.

Thanks for warning about that illness - but Thank God... I don't think this is my case... I'm not afraid of taking anti depressants... I just want to be FIXED. Whatever it takes, my friend!
I just started seeking a counselor in my city but it's not a easy task, the healthy system in my Country sucks... lmao

EYPICSYL wrote:You know i am envious of you too in some ways
You are only 19 years old.
The human personality only starts to form fully after he age of twelve or so.Think at what an early stage you are in your life experience.
I am 30 now and i can hear the clock ticking haha
Im not old but i must remember to make the very most of my next 20 years before i start to turn old lol
Hmm what can i do in 20 years?
ALOT..
What can you do in 30 years? alot more!

Hey, you are very young too Sometimes even I hear the clock ticking for some reason lol maybe I'm not 'acting my age' LOL (hope it does make sense it English) - you wrote down a very interesting fact about human personality.

EYPICSYL wrote: I know you will recover and i just hope you figure out whats causing it sooner than later.Pay no attention to how others percieve you either.You mention they are waiting for you to do something or not.Forget them and learn to live healthy,happy and love what you have that others will never.What i mean by that is your ability to see the good after feeling so bad.
Ying and Yang it keeps me going.You must love your dark side and also your light, and appreciate them both for what they are and what you can learn from them.
For me i lost my job and have spent the last 2 years researching online to figure myself out.
It seemed to work for me eventually.But i did it all alone and could have found help with a counsellor or psychologist.
One of my main issues which was a habit i built was to do with my own feelings and image of myself.
You will need to take your dark and light side and put them together i think.And when you are more complete and know your black and white you will be able to feel stronger and confident in yourself again.
I say black instead of weaknesses,because your weaknsses are also your strength if you take and learn from them and your light side can be your weakness if you do not remember your dark side
This is the oppurtunity you have that others may not who have had a more or less easy life.
I have read of studies which show a challenging life is more fullfilling when you survive than a life too easy.

Your words are very wise, Eypic... The part "You must love your dark side and also your light" - it's so deep and true. I'll even write it down on my "notebook of quotes" (it's kind of a messed up diary of mine lol)

EYPICSYL wrote:So i wish you a speedy recovery and i hope you truly find and appreciate yourself in time.
If you have any questions i am happy to answer all.
And i hope you keep us updated on your progress.
It really makes me so happy when i see somebody finding themselves again and turning their life around.This could be your first step that will get you running

Thanks again Eypic, your words are really full of hope and for sure they're going to help me find the path to my recory... Hope to read more from your experiences on the forum!!

Good luck, my friends, and see you around...!

P.S. sorry if I wrote too much!

Mellina................O_O