So you cannot "wait it out"

I swear a bit in this post. As a new member, I'm unfamiliar with how this messageboard works so I'm just giving a heads up

I'm 21 and have been dealing with an undiagnosed case of depression for... uh... roughly five years. Up to this point it's always been something I could easily shrug off as nothing that big of a deal. I could just "wait it out". However, as much as I wait, $#%^ worsens. It's to the point where I just can't deal with it.. I'll try to detail things without making things TOO long, but try to bear with me if I ###$ it up. This also might seem slight disorganized...

About a few months ago I began having panic attacks which has spurred my concern. They are growing more and more frequent yet are still relatively mild. Since these are as scary as they are, I spoke with my family and agreed to go to counseling. I don't have a job though, so I have no money. The only option available is a free therapist type deal I qualify for, but because the lack of resources here, I'm limited to getting to go about once a month.. Which just doesn't really give enough time to do $#%^. So... So much for counseling on this one.

I also can't sleep. I toss and turn basically letting my mind race. I get caught up in thinking about past mistakes I've made that I just can't ######6 let go of. I'll wind up thinking of all the people I care about and how much I care about them, and then I think of all the times I ###$ up and basically treated them like $#%^. It's sketch to the point where certain thoughts even send chills down my body...

Socially, I'm a ######6 mess in my opinion. I just can't be social correctly, if that makes sense. This is sort of because of a few different things. One being the fact that my ######6 teeth are messed up.. My front teeth, to be exact. It's just too intimidating to talk to people when I know I'm going to instantly give them a bad impression upon opening my mouth. If I could do anything, it'd be fixing my mouth.. But as aforementioned, I have no money/no job/no insurance. So I'm stuck with this I guess... Another thing is my sense of humor. I can't down it much because, well, I LOVE my sense of humor. But it's all dry sarcasm and the majority of people I meet don't ever pick up on jokes... So I try not to joke around so much.. Which leaves me just standing there nodding as they speak without $#%^ to say in return. Awkward silence is never good for anything it feels..

I don't know.. It sounds pathetic, but I just don't really care for who I am. In a sense, I'm proud of my believes and overall philosophy towards life.. But I feel that it limits my potential and that it basically "breaks" me as a character. But it's who I am, and I can't escape that. Life really doesn't seem like it should be so ######6 hard to live, but it seems to be quite difficult in too many ways.

I suppose I'm dealing with most of your general issues when it comes to depression.. But I don't know what to do. The biggest thing holding me back is my teeth.. And I know that no amount of therapy or self-help exercises will ever fix it.. So it feels like I'm just stuck in a ######6 mess until I get money, which I doubt will ever even happen. Thankfully though I have managed to avoid most thoughts of suicide. I mean, I have thought about it before but I consider this to be natural, but I've never sincerely considered it.. Simply because the thought is just too scary and it would hurt the people I care about wayyy to much. I couldn't do that. But I DO want some way out of this. Er, I mean, I want this to get "fixed" while retaining some piece of who I am. It's to the point where I just feel so damn lonely all the time. I have a handful of amazing friends who I care a lot about, but they can't offer me everything I want socially, if that makes sense. I want to be able to meet people confidently and have a face to face talk without worrying. I want to be able to just chill and watch television without swirling thoughts. I want to feel less ######6 pathetic, really.

Hehe, I dunno if I can pull that one off though. I mean.. I just can't find any way to just chill and relax by myself anymore. I've tried breathing exercises, physical exercise, drugs, martial arts, yoga, and the list goes on. Hell... The other day I was hit with a random case of the tears for no reason. I figured "No, I'm not going to just sit here and cry".. But then I thought "maybe crying could be kind of like throwing up. I mean, if I am sick and I vomit, I usually feel better. Maybe if I cry when I'm sad I'll feel happier" so I said ###$ it and let it happen. Nah, didn't work, ended up just feeling even more pathetic.

I am sorry for throwing this rant at you. It's just... I dunno what to do anymore. I can't handle this because I feel like it's #######4. I shouldn't feel like this.. Hell, nobody should! I want to live a usual life with your usual happiness.. But I can't snap out of this I don't think. It just keeps ######6 with any potential future relationships and my own health.

Perhaps some of you have some words of advice? I dunno. I don't guess there is a whole lot you can say to this stuff except for "things will get better".. But I don't know, I've waited this out so far and nothing seems to hint it will get better. In fact, it progresses in quite the opposite direction =S

I can tell you I feel the same way. Maybe it doesn't ever get better, but you'll never know if you don't hold out.

Post on here alot, tell us whats on your mind. It helps to bring things out into the open. With more information, more background, I could offer better advice.

I understand the teeth thing though. Most mine are rotted out, I learned to talk at an angle or do this thing with my lips that hide the fact. Poverty is a bitch, and its hard keeping on without the resources to get help......

so it seems you are in need of money. is it true that you cannot do a single job?
could you be a tutor? a security guard?
maybe if you had a job you could get a loan to get some work on your teeth.
and then if you had more confidence, maybe you'd get a better job and pay off your loan faster.
I'm not saying this $#%^'s easy and I'm not saying you haven't tried. it might be tough. but you know it really might be worth it when it works out. And seriously, not everyone will dislike you because of your teeth anyway. not everyone is that shallow.

you know when we are in this depressive mindset we can pick out flaws in ourselves so easily and they can paralyse our development so disproportionately. We can even invent flaws. Or we can think ###$ it, and ###$ everyone who has a bad thing to say about me! you can overcome yourself and everyone else. depression is a demon inside us that puts us down but it can be destroyed. it is the voice of pathetic, low-life scum from the past and it is less than nothing.

good luck.

I do need a job more than anything. Just to have something to do, you know? But I have been trying and trying to get one for over a year now with absolutely no luck. It's more my fault though I guess. I dropped out of highschool a few years back because of medical issues and then never really had the means to get my G.E.D... Which is one of those things I know I need to do because I know it's important... But I just think "Hey, ###$ it" or something. It's hard to explain. It's like I KNOW what I should do but that's just not enough to motivate me. Even though no matter how motivated I might be at the moment I couldn't get it because as I said, no means to get there/pay for it.

So without a job I'm pretty much ###$ financially. A little under a week ago I lost my last apartment and lately I've been bouncing between friends and family places. It feels like even if I did get a job... I'd be spending all my money on simply living that I'd never be able to save up enough to get teeth work done. I mean, maybe years down the road.. But what's that worth now, you know?

And they say money can't bring happiness. Total #######4.

Haha they say a lot of $#%^ nowadays and I don't think they ever think them through that well.

SMR wrote:Haha they say a lot of $#%^ nowadays and I don't think they ever think them through that well.

Right right. That whole "think before you speak" thing went out the window with common decency and privacy.

The_Ghoul wrote:And they say money can't bring happiness. Total #######4.

Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a better class of misery.

Aurora wrote:

The_Ghoul wrote:And they say money can't bring happiness. Total #######4.

Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a better class of misery.

Guess you've never experienced hunger as a result of long term poverty. I could name a whole host of problems money could have solved for me.

Hey there.
My friend you sound very much like me! Well in my past.
right now i am also unemployed and there seems no chance for me to get work and im 30 and single.
Also i have some social phobias left and one of them is my front teeth at the top.I have a gap which causes me to hide it and i used to be embarrassed to speak because i could see people looking at them and still do.
I also used to be agoraphobic,anxious,confused and EXTREMELY depressed since i was about 21 on till not long ago.
Everything you describe reminds me of how i was.
So i would like to ask some random sounding questions and if its not the same then fair enough, at least it can be canceled out for you.
What i had was called candida albacans or a yeast overgrowth.
Im curious what was your previous medical condition and were you on anti biotics or hormone treatment alot for it or at any time in the past?
Do you get confused feelings and problems concentrating?
Maybe headaches or itchiness in places?
Hunger feelings that can only be stopped by eating sugary things or carbohydrates?
Do you get much exercise or smoke?
Cold feet at night? or sore joints?

I guess thats enough questions to start off.
If you have any of them i would consider it very likely you have candida also,since your other symptoms sound similar too,even the bursting into tears is a sign when there seems no reason for it to happen.
Hope to hear from you soon