Can't Take It Anymore

*big hugs*

I don't think I will ever forget your little girl.

hello emmer , i havent posted on a forum before however I felt compelled to leave you a message .
I hope you dont mind , but I have left a tribute for you too, for Emily.
Your story and your courage has given me inspiration, and on my darkest days , when i am in the grips of the deepest depression, I WILL rememeber you and your little angel.
So thankyou and I hopr it may be of some small comfort to you to know that your daughter has touched my life , and will help me to appreciate what I have , so much more.

With love to you and all your family xxxxxxxxx

Freedom,

I checked back into Emilys memorial by chance and I found your message there and I would have never known who this kind person was and I had no way to say "Thank you". I am touched because sometimes you feel its so "senseless" and you never know if our own lives touch others lives and sometimes feel as if we make no difference at all, and I believe thats where we find blessings in this life by touching someone "somewhere" but usually we have no idea who these persons are. Its helpful to think, " maybe I am needed on this earth" or that my child (who was so hidden from the world) meant something to "someone" or did in her passing.... I don't know, but I know we probrobly all feel this way at times, and sometimes we feel that "something more" is there, that theres more then just "being here" like were a bunch of lost children ourselves finding our way back to who we will become in the end and yet the beginning of "the other shore". Somehow we affect each other, in sharing our pains, sorrows, joy, doubts and even our despairs by meeting someone who can redirect our focus on what life is all about. I think its being there for one another and that doesn't mean that we know everyone at a personal level. I know my best freind (I consider an angel) is someone I met on the internet 2 weeks before my daughter died. Ironically her name is "Rose" and for a relationship to blossom in the midst of such tragedy and grief I think it only God who knit us together.

So many times we might forget that posts posted on the internet are written by "people" who have hearts that bleed like our own who have no where else to go and are reaching out for compassion, we mustn't ever think our loving words don't count as much here as they do anywhere else for that matter.

I'm always taken back at by the most beautiful people I have met on the internet, like rare gems, and those here on this forum. A depression forum? Absolutely. Do you know "diamonds" (the most valuable of gems) are formed "under the earth" under extreme pressure? Sounds like "depression" takes one "under" to a place where something in us is formed in the pressing darkness. Somehow when you return you have something valuable to pour forth from your inmost being, this I find true in more cases then not, also a power to relate, encourage and extend mercy and compassion, to me they are valuable inner qualities of the divine nature which benefit all those in broken places. But what do we feel like when in this process? Like darkness has covered the face of our hearts and we cry out on "The Cross" we feel nailed to as though God has forsaken us, yet in reality God is remaking us. Its the only thing that makes sense, I need it to make sense, I think we all do.

Thank you freedom for your words and God bless you and yours.

Emmer

Emmer, love and hugs to you,

Thankyou for you kind reply, you are truly a wonderful person, even though IM CRYING AGAIN!
Your words and thoughts are so very true,
Im going to copy them out keep them with me.
I told my little girl about your little girl and she said " well she will be ok mummy cos when we go there i will look for her and play with her"
[shes 8]
Its nice you found a friend through the internet , and not just a coincidence that her name was Rose . My sister had her first baby 4
months ago and her name is Eleanor Rose - another angel to love.
I hope your sisters prenancy goes well .

With every good wish to you, take care xx

emmer

cyber hugs to you,

i dont know if you are still checking in on here , how are you?

i wanted you to maybe give me some advice on having FAITH.
i seem to have lost mine somewhere.
you have managed to maintain your beliefs , in the most difficult of times, and i admire you for that.

how do you have faith in your heart , when it doesnt make sense in your head?

thankyou,

love freedom xxx

Freedom,

Hi hon, cyber hugs to you too. Yes I'm still checking in once and awhile.

Freedom you asked me how I maintained my faith? I don't maintain my faith and in fact am faithless more often then not. He is faithful when I'm not. The faith given to me has been put through many of trials, the latest of which (you know) is the loss of my daughter Emily. Its not my faith but His faith gifted to me and He is the Author and finisher of it in me. If it depended on me I'm a complete failure hon, I'm being truthful with you. My faith has felt shattered in fact I'm really beginning to appreciate the story of Job (not because I'm some great saint because God knows I'm not) but I appreciate what he perceived in his trial and how his freinds could not relate or help though they took a good shot at it. Ever feel that way? Job's freinds were useless and it was Job who needed to pray for THEM in the end. Because his trial was really a trial to them as well, just as Paul the apostles sickness was a trial to those who received him in the end. Remember, the Lord said when I was sick, in prison, or naked? The Lord (or rather as He puts it, "these brethren of mine" come to us all in some kind of NEED and the way we treated those in need were how those around them were judged.

Job spoke about a time when he enjoyed sweet fellowship with the Lord and times of beautiful light when Gods presence was preceivable to him. Not so during this time in his life, he cannot perceive God anywhere around him, he's in a very dark place spiritually. In a place spiritually void of light, sound familiar? Does to me. God was still there but His presence was not made "perceivable" to Job and all the begging in the world does not change this until the trial is brought forth to where only God knows. He was left in the presence of worthless freinds (I have a few of those lol) who had no value in them due to their own "lack" of suffering. ( That is why I love the diamond analogy, I'm convinced its so true).

Suffering empowers us.... or "rather" God can empower us through suffering. I don't really like the sound of that to be truthful with you (who in their right mind wants to suffer? not me thats for sure). But, on the otherhand I see the effects of suffering in certain others lives and they go from vain shallow persons to diamonds in the rough when I consider the outcome. The inner qualities (of Gods nature which is love and all that Love encompasses) begin to shine forth in them through suffering, especially when trained by it. Through suffering are we filled with the power and the means to reach others. God desires to be close to the broken hearted and needs the offering of our very selves in service of others in love wherever and whenever a need arises. I offer Him mine. He requires me to be emptied, this is not a pleasant experience but painful but afterwards the bond between freinds that is established and the joy in helping others finds the greatest of rewards and inner blessing.

I suppose it feels as if something larger then ourselves depresses us into the earth (think of your heart as a peice of land and something large depresses into you creating a "valley" you now can be filled with water for drinking (or refreshing others). I see a valley being comparable to the poor in Spirit until it rains. It always does but now you have so much more room to be filled with such blessings. Through poverty we are made rich in Him. Its WE who know our need of Him and we only need to look to Him.


Freedom, I will "copy paste" a note I wrote trying to help another with the same thing as you had asked about, concerning feelings of faithlessness. I just wrote this and since its very close to what you were asking I might as well put it here in case you can draw any kind of consolation from it.

Copied note (copy pasted)


Do you think when I lost my only child and had the Lord as the objection of my affections that I did not feel alone? Hon... Do you think Jesus felt God was there with Him on the cross or is the cry of His forsakeness on the cross just for our theology concepts with no reality in it for us? This is where whats in our heads gets reborn in our hearts. Know what the carnal mind is? Its death and that gets swallowed up in life (His). The process its painful, and although you might believe its possible to remove yourself from His hand, He still holds you. Feel faithless? So did I. When we are faithless He remains faithful thats something you cannot change. But I know... O so well how you feel, even moreso did I feel not only forsaken but left to greive the child taken from me. I lived as much for her as for the Lord and she and He were all I had. I felt when I lost her I lost Him because when I needed to feel His comfort and closeness most He seems no where to be found. My faith was shattered into peices... "How could you?" I screamed "I have given my life and everything I am to you and you took her away?" WHY??? For what purpose? Why would you allow someone else to have five children and its my only child (who I loved so deeply) to be taken from me? Have YOU not rebuked David for such a thing? I sit here without my little girl who I adore in complete devestation, wondering NOT IF God exists but WHAT KIND of God do I have? Why Lord? Why? I was angry and I wasn't about to settle for the answer, "That He might increase my virtue by yanking on my daughters life for some kind of virtuous effect in me, sorry I don't buy that. I have no answer, but I don't believe I'd hear a good enough answer for such a thing.

I was a walking dead person, felt nothing from God, not that He seemed to care, or even bother to comforted me. His presence? No where to be found. I have never imagined I could visit such a desolate place in my life. It hadn't even entered my mind to think I would feel the loss of either her or Him, but He allowed it. And I could swear to you that nothing anyone said made any difference, neither will anything I say to you make any difference its not a place where words can reach you. When you've been where you are for a "season" knowing you have excercised all your options to get this away from you and conclude that God has left you, you will find out differently. But right now you haven't the faith for it nor the hope ("hope deferred" look that one up, its great to read it in a book but a completely different thing to enter your reality) and I don't expect you reach for something while wrapped in grave clothes right now, its His job to bring you forth in His time but I can testify to it and tell you before it happens so that when it does you can recall my words, most importantly His words and you will know Him in a different way.

Losing a child is one of the worst loses one can have, there is no loss greater then that of a mother and her child, not even "the dicernable presence of the Lord" Why? Because I've known the loss of His presence many times in certain seasons or places in my own life (when it first happened I was devastated, then after a series of times and relating to others going through the same thing, I understtod God does this for His own reasons). This happens to all of us and we have names for such times such as "dry spells" or "the wilderness" I hate these times (I think we all do). Getting back to my first thought there is no name for a woman who has lost a child.. None. A wife or husband who have lost one or the other is called either a "widow" or "widower" even a motherless child an "orphan", but theres no name for me, the devastation is too unthinkable to name it.

Don't feel guilty for comparing our situations my situation followed MANY of yours, I know hon, I hear it and I identify with it because we are one in the body of Christ whether you believe it or not. What if some did not believe? Shall that nullify Gods faithfulness? Absolutely not. Your right where you are and He will come again to you and you will again experience this very thing and each time you do you grow stronger and accept that this is something He does. Do yourself a favor and run a search online concerning the "loss of Gods presence" in ones life. I read a book called a "Greif observed" by CS Lewis, I never read any of his stuff, but it followed the death of His wife and He said the heavens were bolted against him he felt like every prayer he prayed bounced back off an invisible iron clad door, God? No where to be found... Our Lord? He too felt forsaken this is part of the walk. But you cannot shake God having the rememberance as Job did when He remembered the sweetness of Gods light and His blessing upon him. Job could not perceive God in fact He at this point and this particular season was in fear as well. They are "seasons" and they are long as He decides I don't know what makes Him flip the switch on it, I only know that He does in time. Purpose? I havent the slightest clue not yet but I hope to, in hoping that I am frightened of what I ask, but at this point I have lost it all.

You said, you "can" seem to "control" something... thats the illusion because your finding out you can't right now and thats a very scary feeling, talk about trembling knees concerning the situation and the feelings they invoke I completely understand. I too wanted comfort but what happens now is your life is being engaged by Him, your being remade and you will begin not to ask for His comfort but to BECOME a comforter thats what our sufferings are all about (at least in part).

Someone who has not suffered has no power whatsoever, no power to relate to broken hearts, they have nothing to give, they think they are rich but they are poor they have nothing. They can help no one, they can sit there like Jobs freinds and spat their opinions, their judgements and their theology (or whatever else people do to make the matter worse) but they had nothing that could relieve Job's soul. They were actually better off when they first saw Job suffering, to sit quietly not saying a thing then to open their mouths and treat a despairing mans words as the wind.

He called them worthless physicians, physicians of no value. Everything was in their heads. Nothing was born in them of the heart. No inner gold tried by the fire of afflictions or personal tribulations. God trieth the heart (not the head) and what appears first? Dross, we see all of the things we did not see in ourselves that we point the finger at in someone else. These come up to the surface "first" during the afflictions of ones inner purification. We see all the things that rise in us that we wanted to fix in others and see how powerless we are to change those things in ourselves and we get to see what it FEELS like to be on the other side of ourselves and our pityful attempts from our heads to do that which requires heart. He makes sure we SEE IT, because theres something important in seeing it and acknowledging it our powerlessness over these without Him and becoming what we are meant to be in Him which is a reflection of His love to the world, not a bunch of self righteous hypocrites beating others into the ground, thats not Gods way. These inner afflictions cause compassion to rise in you for others without them and left to ourselves we would seek everything in this world as it would please us rather then please Him in service to others in great need. You will see something I know Him, and I know you don't think this is for you, that the blessing comes to others who you might think are victorious in some shallow thing where others (untried or refined) applaud them for the things without substance they glory in but He WILL show you, I know He will (in time He will) and from where you stand right now to where you will be going, just remember to turn and strengthen others when these things are come to pass, and they will.

You will see, your ok where you are. He hasn't left you, though you cannot perceive Him. He has made it so you cannot perceive Him, and this is part of getting to know Him outside of the book and in your own life's experience. He did the same to Job and to Jesus who is our Lord are we greater then Him? This is not theology its embracing the reality of your theology in your heart through walking in it and its not you taking you down this trip to the park here, its Him leading you through this and that and teaching you.

I know this is still not enough you, because I understand and it wasn't for me either at that time. But I will be praying for you as I remember you in my heart before Him in your time of need. God will bless you.

In Him

Emmer

Emmer,

As ever, thankyou , from my heart.

I will think on your words, you are an example of His work, in its purist form.

all my love to you and your family

Freedomxxxx

Freedom,

I cant actually believe you read that lol To be truthful I could kick myself for the length of that post and could of stripped it down to a paragraph, but I hadn't the time to go over it and do that, so I appologize for its length.

Trust me I feel less like a shining star when half the time I run on a "dimmer switch" I can only say the light increases but its not my own and I don't feel that much in me is worthwhile but I'm learning more that He is.

God bless you and your family as well, take good care Freedom

Love
Emmer