Can't Take It Anymore

I don't know whether or not I'm going to talk to the counselor. I've had bad experiences with counselors, so I'm not too fond of them anymore.
Anyways, I don't feel much like typing right now because I just took like 2 hours to type up an e-mail to Bill, so I'm going to go.

~Jamie~

Jamie,

I'm new here (Kim) I've read the thread and I'm so sorry for your loss (I too have had terrible experiences with counselors in the past) so I understand.

I know when your greiving for someone, you feel so alone especially when they were very close to you, you just miss their companionship in every conceivable way. I lost my father in law (who I was not close to 6 months ago) then I lost my only child (Emily) who had just turned 6 years old this Febuary and she was all I had. I can sympathize with anyone who has lost someone very precious to them. Seems like all I do is cry. When night comes I just want to sleep and when the sun reminds me its morning I want to die, pull the shades and simply dissapear, I so understand.

I think about the futility of life in ways I never did while Emily was here, its the people in your life that make life bearable, even joyful, perhaps we could become more "like those we loved" but to "others". I don't know... Because I too feel a bit "without purpose" and my sorrow is so great I feel I can't do a thing for someone else. I feel like I need the compassion and yet ironically I'm the one giving it when people say stupid things like, "You can have another one" and I think, "Well... she wasn't a cookie she was a SOUL" Despite her loss, she cannot be replaced, neither would I seek to replace her. After all the joy she filled my heart with, I believe she's worth every tear I cry because of the void I feel being without her. Mothers cry a "lifetime" for the loss of their children. Theres times I want to end it that I might "go to her" only because its my maternal instincts to protect my child, to be "with her". Its very hard to "let go" of her hand and "go forward" like every says we must do because sometimes we never thought of "going on" without the ones we hold the dearest to our hearts, our futures had only thoughts of them in it.

Cry your tears, she must be worth the many shed. God bless you Jamie, if you need a freind, I'll be more of a regular here being that I have too much time to myself since my daughter passed.

Love

Emmer

Jamie,

I'm new here (Kim) I've read the thread and I'm so sorry for your loss (I too have had terrible experiences with counselors in the past) so I understand.

I know when your greiving for someone, you feel so alone especially when they were very close to you, you just miss their companionship in every conceivable way. I lost my father in law (who I was not close to 6 months ago) then I lost my only child (Emily) who had just turned 6 years old this Febuary and she was all I had. I can sympathize with anyone who has lost someone very precious to them. Seems like all I do is cry. When night comes I just want to sleep and when the sun reminds me its morning I want to die, pull the shades and simply dissapear, I so understand.

I think about the futility of life in ways I never did while Emily was here, its the people in your life that make life bearable, even joyful, perhaps we could become more "like those we loved" but to "others". I don't know... Because I too feel a bit "without purpose" and my sorrow is so great I feel I can't do a thing for someone else. I feel like I need the compassion and yet ironically I'm the one giving it when people say stupid things like, "You can have another one" and I think, "Well... she wasn't a cookie she was a SOUL" Despite her loss, she cannot be replaced, neither would I seek to replace her. After all the joy she filled my heart with, I believe she's worth every tear I cry because of the void I feel being without her. Mothers cry a "lifetime" for the loss of their children. Theres times I want to end it that I might "go to her" only because its my maternal instincts to protect my child, to be "with her". Its very hard to "let go" of her hand and "go forward" like every says we must do because sometimes we never thought of "going on" without the ones we hold the dearest to our hearts, our futures had only thoughts of them in it.

Cry your tears, she must be worth the many shed. God bless you Jamie, if you need a freind, I'll be more of a regular here being that I have too much time to myself since my daughter passed.

Love

Emmer

I just read your story, and I barely got tthrough it. I feel terrible because all I can say is I am so sorry. I can't relate to you. But you do have my sympathy. I will also be praying for you. I know it's hard, because you miss your little girl, but I'm sure she's with God now. I'll bet she's sitting on Jesus' lap right now. I love children. I know she was precious to you and to everyone else that knew her. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

~element

Thank you Element, I know everyone has "a story" we all do, and our stories are still in the making. But I sometimes wish we could skip the many pages and get to "the end" and not drag out this dull existence (a bit of pesimism on my part).

When Emily died people came around for the first week and after the funeral its like people expected an internal switch to "go on" and to be able to put her loss in the past (like spilled milk).

Unfortunately as you stare out your window the Sun mocks you, you wish it would never shine again. Other mommy's and daddy's are laughing and playing with their children and you have just lost your priviledge to be called "mommy" when she was taken away. She was the only one who could call us "mommy and daddy" and she made us proud, I thank God for being chosen to be "hers". Its funny, she taught me more then I could have ever taught her. Children are such a blessing aren't they?

We moved from PA two years ago to South Carolina in order to homeschool her, built a small farm, put in a swimming pool, built swings and was just about to start the barn and get her a pony. Desiring to fulfill every dream within our reach for her because I had so little growing up as well as being kind of an outcast at school. I tried to protect her but I couldn't, at least not from her sudden passing. I thought she had a 24 hour bug, she started vomitting and had diarrhea. I stayed up with her all night that night. She had no fever. The doctor couldn't see her and suggested if I felt the need to, to take her to the emergency room but really didn't see the need to being that I hadn't waited a full 24 hours yet. At 2pm that day she began holding down her fluids, still having no fever or complaints and thought, "ok, perhaps she's doing better, afterall she's getting liquids and holding them down". I asked both mother in laws and some freinds with children if they thought that it was ok to wait and everyone agreed (because I took her at a whim to the E.R for the sniffles and it was always nothing to be concerned about). So I waited.

That same evening she was up watching her favorite show, "mommy my cartoon is on" she declared. I was on the net looking into this "bug she had" and her last words were "momma can you cuddle with me"? And I said, "I sure will angel I'm just looking on line to see what you have here, hold on one second, I'll be right there".

Ten minutes later I go to cuddle with her and she into shock, we called 911, by the time they got her into the ambulance she stopped breathing and were breathing for her and when they reached the hospital they were trying to get her heart started but could not.

Its still so hard to conceive that she was playing ball the day before and dead the next day from dehydration, and even though she must have drank a gallon or two of fluids (pedialite, gaterade and punch) that her body was not dispersing the fluids to her organs. Her electrolites were out of whack because of the severity of the diarrhea that night.

Being that she was my only child, I cannot tell you how lonely I am without her. We did everything together being I was a stay at home mom. I miss waking up next to her, making her breakfast, lunch and dinner, playing barbies, coloring, smelling her after a bath, kissing her cheeks and hearing her belly giggles. Theres just so much to miss about her. I feel like a mother without a "job" a job I loved. Life feels so damn empty without her. I sit day by day watching our home movies, just to see her face and hear her voice, my house is so silent its deafening. I don't know how parents who loss their children do it because honestly I don't want to "go on" without my Emily.

What choice do I have? I feel like I want to go to the hospital and find out that I have a terminal illness so I can go home to her. The day I ever find out my body is dying, I will jump for pure joy. Unfortunately when you want to die, your made to live and when you want to live you die (?) Weird huh?


Just a bit of a rant on my part

Love

Emmer

I couldn't make it through that without crying. I'm so sorry. I wish that there was just something that I could do for you. You're right--children are wonderful!! I'm only a teen, so I don't have any kids, but I know from being around my nephews and some other little kids, that they are truely wonderful.

If you don't mind my asking (And I completely understand if you do), where do you live in South Carolina? I have some relatives that live down there, and I just wondered if you live close to them.

What was her favorite show?

It's obvious that she loved you very much!! I'm sure she was a sweet little girl.

When did this happen?

I konw you miss her. I'm in tear sright now, and I rarely cry anymore. But I can't help but cry when I read your story. I'm so sorry. I can totally and completely understand that you're looking foward to death. I know you miss her.

You said that some of your friends act like you can just have a nother child to replace her. I know that another child could never replace her. She was Emily, and she was special to you. A new baby wouldn't be her. But maybe a new baby wouldn't be a bad idea. Children do bring joy, and I think you need some joy. But to have a nother child or not, is your decision. You see, my mom miscarried a baby, and she was broken hearted over it. ONly a shor while later, she found out that she was pregnant again. about nine months later, I was born. And I know, I don't replace that baby, because I'm not that baby. I can't replace anyone, and no one could replace me. But I did help my mom. I helped to heal her broken heart. She loves me a lot. I'm her baby. You know, having another child may help you. But like I said before, that's your decision to make. And I totally and completely understand if you choose not to have anymore children.

I'm praying for you. I prayed for you for a long time last night. I just couldn't get your story out of my mind, and I just want to tell you again, that I am so sorry!!

love,
~element

Element, for a teen you have an extraordinary compassionate spirit which is rare considering your youth, I can't imagine what life has thrown your way in order for that to emerge as young as you are. Your post comforted me, thank you element and thank you for your prayers.

I don't mind you asking where we live, we live in Blythewood S.C. its pretty rural here, its known as "horse country". I moved from the suberbs of PA to here in order for my daughter to grow up appreciating the "simpler things" in life, but since her passing, I feel like I'm lost in the woods, not knowing a soul and away from everything that I was familiar with in PA.

Emily had a sleeping disorder so she was up late at night, her favorite show was called "Inuyasha" she had a six year old crush on the white haired cartoon character, to which I used to laugh, it's one of those Japanese cartoons thats on late at night, it made her laugh.

She had passed away Feb 16th 2005 (a few months ago) two weeks after her 6th birthday. Her grandfather passed away a few months prior to her and the family was still caught up in greif over his loss and her grandmother is not well and this certainly threw us through a loop because the last person on earth we thought would leave us was our only daughter, being that she was never sick and when this virus hit she seemed to be getting better within 18 hours. Simple diarrhea and vomitting, she had had a 24 hour bug before, in fact she had 48 hour bugs with a fever and this one had no fever and less time to react. Its so beyond my understanding, I have trouble coming to terms with it.

My husband, myself and my daughter went back up to Pa at the end of July for her grandfathers funeral which was sad because a few weeks later one of his sons was getting married in Aug 20th. I had never had a baby sitter for my daughter or had ever been separated from her (not even a day) but had to while they went up to my husbands brothers wedding (Emily was the flower girl) I needed to stay behind to watch the animals here on the farm. They were up there for a week and I missed her so much, I decided I would make her daddy a "home video" from all the hundreds of hours of video we had made over the 6 short years of her life. This would be daddy's birthday present. I spent 15 hours a day editing it and it was theraputic for me really because I missed her so much and it helped me to miss her less while I was veiwing her whole life during her absence. Finally by the last day I finished and put the video to "music" I chose the instrumental music on the "Patch Adam's" sound track. The music is so very touching and I was so thrilled to give a gift like this to anyone especially my husband, he cried through the whole thing.

Emily could never watch it. She said, "Momma its too sad". I said, "Honey, its our lives together, its meant to be touching not sad" It brings me warm fuzzy's to watch in a single hour her whole life and the special moments we shared, but Emily could never watch it.

Ironically the video was used at her memorial service which made her memorial a beautiful testimony of her life.... No wonder she could never watch it, sometimes I feel like "she knew subconciously" don't ask me why, as crazy as that sounds. Perhaps her seeing the video of her life brought her to tears because the time it was to be played for the whole family see was at her funeral. There was only tears and loud sobbing the entire time the video played at the funeral.

We believe she contracted the virus on Sunday at Ed Adventures touch and see museum, that Valentines day I received my first Valentines card ever! With "I love U Mommy" and a drawing of her favorite flower "The Rose" which played a beautiful part in the same story surrounding her death.

My father 2 weeks before she died took Emily to the dollar store a couple of stores down from Walmart in Winnsborro South Carolina. I was getting a couple of T-shirts at Catco. He told her, "you can get anything you want" she wanted those plastic Roses they sold there for 99 cents. She came running into catco (all you see is the clothes swaying side to side as she made her way through to me) with the Roses held up high, saying, "mommy mommy! Look what I bought for YOU!" It was so like her to think of me over herself, I was so touched, moreso after she died because the Roses follow (as I also wrote on her on line memorial page).

Freinds of mine on another forum Carol and Scheryl sent me handpainted gifts all with Red Roses and a "surprise" for my daughter, they arrived the day after Emily passed. Inside the gift they sent for my daughter was handmade Angel, I just cried.

Two weeks after she passed away I went to Barnes and noble in Harbison SC to get some books on greif and loss. I had finished and my sister wanted to run into the CD section to look for CD she had been wanting, so I went in with her. As she browsed around I was looking at this "box thing" with headphones, I never saw one before and it had been ages since I went into a Music store. I stood there at the new release section staring at this peice of equipment when all the sudden a CD off to the left caught my eye. It caught my eye because it was a CD with a brilliant Red Rose cover, I thought, (by now) This is strange and I picked it up and read the "instrumental titles on the back" and I cried trembling right there in the middle of the store, put the headphones on and weeped and weeped and cried. The CD is called "The Promise" by Tim Janis and it is the most beautiful music to ones soul, only my daughter knows how much I love instrumental music and SHE herself loved the Red Rose, to find both in the new release section blessed my heart so much, I listen to this CD everyday and think of my little girl while it plays. It takes me into her heart.

The only title I cannot listen to (or at least not yet) on that CD is (ironically called) "My Rose of joy".

There ofcourse have been other things that play in beautifully during the short days prior to her death and after her passing but this is pretty long already.

But I do miss my baby girl, because she was my joy and my highest pleasure and she taught me to love. I was so lonely before I had her and it all melted away the day they placed her in my arms and our eyes met. I felt I saw heaven wrapped in a blanket, and I can't wait to hold her in my arms again.

Much love

Emmer

Dear Emmer,

I'm not sure where blythewood is. I do believe I've heard of winnsborro before though. I have some family scattered all over south carolina and some in north carolina. My family is pretty spread out. Some live in Kansas and some in Texas and some in Connecticut. We're all very scattered out.

I have a question for you, simply because I'm wondering. What religion are you a part of?

"Inuyasha". I believe I've heard of that show before. The little girl that I used to babysit loves japamation.

That was very sweet of you to make that video for her father's birthday. Now you'll always be able to see her and hear her voice. I don't think it's crazy for you to think she could have subconsiously known. I believe many people know when their time is coming to leave.

It brought tears to my eyes when I read about your valentine's day. But then again, a lot of this has brought tears to my eyes.

My father 2 weeks before she died took Emily to the dollar store a couple of stores down from Walmart in Winnsborro South Carolina. I was getting a couple of T-shirts at Catco. He told her, "you can get anything you want" she wanted those plastic Roses they sold there for 99 cents. She came running into catco (all you see is the clothes swaying side to side as she made her way through to me) with the Roses held up high, saying, "mommy mommy! Look what I bought for YOU!" It was so like her to think of me over herself, I was so touched, moreso after she died because the Roses follow (as I also wrote on her on line memorial page).

That is so sweet!! Some children seem more like angels than children. I would appreciate it if you could send me a link to her on line memorial page (if it is open to the public).

Freinds of mine on another forum Carol and Scheryl sent me handpainted gifts all with Red Roses and a "surprise" for my daughter, they arrived the day after Emily passed. Inside the gift they sent for my daughter was handmade Angel, I just cried.

It makes perfect sense that the gift to her would be an angel.

I believe I'll have to look for this cd that you're talking about. You know, music has always been a big part of my life, and I've come to realize that it can be very helpful to get us through hard times.

I felt I saw heaven wrapped in a blanket, and I can't wait to hold her in my arms again.

I know you can't. I'm sure she can't wait to see you either!! I can't read any of this without tearing up. To only have lived six years, she left behind a beautiful story and a beautiful impression.

Roses are on of my favorite flowers, too. I've always loved them.

If you ever just need to talk about her or about how you're feeling, I'm here to listen.

*gentle hugs*

Love,

Element

BTW, I hope I quoted all of this correctly so it won't be confusing.

Element,

She sure was my Angel and thank you for your kind ear, it makes all the difference in the world just to pour your thoughts out and have them fall on sympathetic ears.

I'm a Christian Element and served the Lord for 15 years, seeking Him and desiring to understand the scriptures, writing Spiritual poetry had been a favorite pastime. I hadn't belonged to any particular sect within Christianity, meaning I'm one of those who considers "everyday alike" and my Sabbath is the "Rest" I have found in Christ's finished work and I desire not divide over what certain breeds of Christianity divide over and help others by being the best neighbor I can to anyone the Lord sends my way. I pretty much find more comfort in solitude then with many people. Ever feel more alone in a room full of strangers then when your alone? I can feel that way most often then not. But I do feel especially alone since Emily passed, I think she alone reached into my heart and brought me to a beautiful place where I could feel love flow from me to her and her to me, I needed someone to come into my world and I thank God for the priviledge to be chosen to be her "mommy". Nothing in my life could have blessed me more.

Heres my daughters memorial link. You might have to quickly register to get on, but the second you register you can veiw the "tributes" I have two of them on there and a picture of her holding a puppy. In order to go to "the next" tribute then "the next" you must scroll down to click "next". Theres only a few tributes there.

http://www.americanmemorials.com/memori ... orial=8627


I hope this link works, or I did this right, if not you can find her page by Name Town and State, which is Emily Rees Blythewood SC.


God bless you Element
"Gentle hugs" back
Love
Kim (Emmer)

The reason I asked what religion you were a part of is because, when I read things that you said, I just got the feeling that you were a Christian. Sometimes, you can just tell. I myself am a presbyterian, but there are a some things that I disagree with in the church.I belive that Jesus Christ died for my sins, and that I'm saved through him, so I think that's what really matters.

I've always loved the word "mommy". I just think it's the sweetest thing to hear a little child say "mommy". I'm sure you were--are--a great mommy.

God bless you.

Love,
Element


BTW, I left something on Emily's website.

Thank you Element for the kind words on her memorial, your a very special person, thank you for being a great listener too.

Many hugs for you

Emmer