Can't Take It Anymore

OK, for those of you that don't know, my aunt died on March 17, 2003, St. Patrick's Day, and she was like a mom to me. I changed after she died. I started to feel like my life was worthless without her, heck, I still feel like that a lot. OK, so anyways. I was talking to Tracy earlier and when I told her what was going on she suggested that I post about it on her board, so I did and I decided that I might as well post it here as well, so I'm going to.
My aunt died in a car accident, a one car accident to be exact. She was coming home from a party that she had been at because my family is really big with celebrating St. Patrick's Day. Anyways, she had her keys taken away at the beginning of the party because she was going to be drinking. She ended up getting drunk and when she was ready to leave the lady that had taken her keys had ended up turning her back for a while, so my aunt took her keys back. She was gone before anyone noticed she had left. The party was quite far from where she lived. I believe my mom said it was like 15 to 20 miles from my aunt's house. Anyways, she was driving home and she got to about 2 miles from her house when she ended up crashing her Jeep Grand Cherokee. She had gone from the right side of the road to the left side of the road and into a bunch of trees, the thing that we don't understand is how she ended up over on the other side of the road because the tire tracks were very gradual, like it had just drifted over without her knowing it. Anyways, she hit the trees and totalled her Jeep and upon impact she broke her neck and all her ribs broke off of her spine. *Sorry about being so graphic, but I need to tell it how it happened* The paramedics didn't respond to the call until half an hour after they recieved it, they had been out to dinner for the holiday. Anyways, my aunt's blood alcohol level was like .16 or something like that when the police got there and made her take a breath test. She had been going 60 mph when she hit the trees and she had not been wearing a seatbelt. They said that if she was wearing a seatbelt the injuries would have been less severe than they were and also if the paramedics would have responded right away there could have been a chance of saving her. OK, so back to me with this. I knew something was wrong that night, I got a funny feeling around 11:30 p.m. that something had happened to someone in my family. A little while later my mom had called and talked to my dad. We (my brother and I) didn't find out until the next day after school. From that day on I kept feeling that I could have saved her, if I would have been there I could have saved her life. That lasted a few months and then the feeling went to, I wish I would have been the one in the accident instead of her. She didn't deserve to die. Her life was much more precious and worth while than mine ever will be. The past 2 weeks the thoughts have been coming back. I keep wishing I would have been the one that was in the accident instead of her, that I would have been the one to die that night instead of her. These thoughts won't go away, no matter what I do and it's making my depression levels rise more and more and I can't take it much longer. I really do wish it would have been me that died instead of her.
Anyways, so that's all I feel like saying right now.

~Jamie~

Jamie,

I'm sorry your have so much to grieve right now. Your losses have been great....and would be difficult for anyone to get through. I wish your Aunt could have been kept from driving that night...she had way too much to drink and shouldn't be been on the road. Which brings me to your next point.

Although you feel that it should have been you taken instead of your Aunt, you weren't the one drinking and driving. Most horrible accidents take place when those who have incredible amounts of alcohol in their blood. But it was she that drank too much not you. Also, I really doubt if your Aunt would want your life taken instead of her's. You are a mature young person...but you have your whole life ahead of you.

Time does have a way of healing and so it will be for you too. Please write me if you like. I would be most happy to "listen".

Again , I am sorry for your losses,

Kathy

Hey,
Thanks, Kathy.
I don't know what to say right now. I guess the past 2 weeks have just majorly messed with me because usually I would have a response.
My depression levels are sky rocketing because of this situation. I feel like I'm completely worthless and don't deserve to be here.
Oh well, I'm gonna go.

~Jamie~

Sweetie,

You are not worthless....you are precious in God's eyes...if you believe in God..or a higher power.

Kathy

Hey,
I do sort of believe in God. There's times that I'm not so sure that I do, like right now. I don't feel like I am worth anything except to be on this planet to suffer. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm sick and tired of suffering, of grieving, or being here. People keep telling me that my aunt wouldn't have wanted it to be any other way, but my aunt never wanted to die, she never wanted to have to leave everyone behind. She cared about others like you would not believe. A lot of people, including me, say that she was an angel and a savior. I don't think I'll ever be the same again, not without her here, physically here, not just in my heart.
My depression has sky rocketed so high that I feel like I'll never be able to bring it down again. I'll never be able to show people the real me because I am scared of the real me and if I'm scared of my true self, then others will be scared of the true me too. Before my aunt died I had no problem showing the real me, I had no problem with my true self, but that's not true anymore, that was all taken away on that day in 2003.

~Jamie~

Jamie

honey I think you misunderstand what your friends are trying to express to you when they say your aunt would not have wanted it any other way. Certainly they don't mean that she wanted this to happen to her. But you always say that you wish it could have been you and not her, a very logical and common feeling when we lose someone. But I would believe what they mean is to express to you that your Aunt would never have wanted it that way for you....that you would have been the one to die this way. Of course she would not have wanted to die that night....or in that manner. But it was a tragic accident that is not meant really to be understood or make sense. These things, sadly, do happen and you need to stop trying to make sense of it. There is no sense to be made.
What you need to do is work on your grieving process and coming to grips w/ something incredibly hard to accept. That someone you loved more then anything is no longer part of your physical life.

Sweetngentle has offered you some great words of comfort and advice. I can only hang on her coattails...there is not much more to say really! But like her....I'm one of many here that care about you and am here to listen.

Jamie,
I am sorry about your loss. Your thoughts and feelings are all totally normal. They are part of the grieving process.

Your aunt was responsible for the accident. She chose to drink and drive. She chose to not use seatbelts. If one makes those choices, one must deal with the consequences. I used to drive and drink a lot. I took chances. I have met many people in AA who have wrecked cars when drunk and killed people, often their best friends. Many of these guys have spent a lot of time in jails and prisons for their drunk driving. But it was their choice. It would be great if we all can learn from their mistakes. One thing you might want to do is not to ever drive and drink and to always wear seatbelts. That way your aunt's death would not be in vein--you would not have to die the same way. You also could help others by telling people about how your aunt may have lived if she had put her seat belts on.

Now, about you saving her. I've been around drunk people a lot; I was a drunk for many years. You can't always control a drunken person. Your aunt may have sunk out and driven no matter what you did. If you did stop her, what about the next time. You can't be there every time she drinks. This accident may have happened sooner or later. It seems like you were not even in the same house when she went driving. When I was drinking, no one could control me. We can always find someone to blame in events like this, but your aunt was more in the wrong than any one else.

I know what I'm saying will be hard to take and to accept. But, hang in there. You are in the grieving process. It will take time before you will feel good again. But, sooner or later you will begin to feel a bit better. In the mean time talk to others and/or post your feelings here. We care.
Good Luck,
Jim S

Hey,
Well, I'm doing a little bit better, but I just can't seem to come to grips with myself. I've been grieving for over 2 years, you would think that I would be able to go on and not think about it so much, but I can't do that. My aunt meant too much to me. If she would have known some of the things that she didn't she would have been so mad at me, like my cutting when I still cut, but she didn't know, so I'm happy about that.
I miss her so much.
Anyways, I don't feel like typing much right now, so I'm just going to leave it at that for now.

~Jamie~

Jamie,

don't think anything of the fact that you have been grieving this loss for 2 years. There is no set way to grieve. No time limits on it. I lost my friend 13 years ago this June and you bet I still grieve that. Somedays I'm ok w/ it and more accepting of all the things I wish could be and know never can...and other days I'm bitter and angry ...or down right sad in the knowledge he's gone and there is simply no changing that. Hurts like hell. Often I dream of him and when I wake it's 2 fold w/ emotions....felt great to be there w/ him even if it was just a "dream" and not real...and then it sucks to wake up and he's gone from me again. It's an empty cold feeling. But then I try to go on and like I said....I have my good days and bad says w/ this and it's been almost 13 years!

Hey,
Well, today is not going so well for me. I've been really thinking a lot about my aunt. I'm just umm.... not able to get myself to understand that it's alright. I won't let myself cry, I feel too horrible when I do. I feel like I'm weak and like I've given in when I cry. My aunt would want me to be strong, she would want me to be the person that I was before, but I can't be that person anymore.
I'm gonna get going.

~Jamie~