Looking for a reason to live

me too.
drop me a line on aim (jxcheshire1775) or msn (cheshire_xtc5@yahoo.com) sometime if you want someone to talk to. maybe i can help you find a reason... because i can definitely relate.

Until I actually know your story or feel I have a better idea of you....I can't really do that!

I can tell you that I myself have been suicidal and made attempts on my life...more so in my highschool years...but I still have my struggles even now (age 30). Just haven't made the attemps but definetly dealt w/ some strong ideation as recent as 6 months ago.

For me...what kept me going is my 2 beautiful daughters. Nope...I can't even argue my love for my husand or my family and friends. Mainly it was the idea of having to leave my children behind. Oh mind you, the others did factor in...but it was easier for me to reason that they'd handle my death and my children would be scarred for life. Because as much as I want to convince myself the world is better off w/out me and life sucks and blah blah blah....I couldn't lie to myself about my children who take every opportunity to snuggle me, miss me when I'm gone so much as shopping....beg and cry at the door if I don't take them w/ me....do little projects for me as their mom because they love me...I could site examples all day long!

If you don't want to find the positives in your life...it's easy to convince yourself none exist when they truly do. And if you want to find the negative so you feel you have valid reason to leave life....you be able to twist every little thing that happens to you into a negative...no matter how truly bad or how small...you'll find it! Try harder to look for those positives and work on those.

Someone I love, a good friend of mine, took his life 13 years ago this June. By the time he died, we didn't really have much oppotunity to talk, didn't have classes together like we did in Jr. High...where our friendship started...but if we saw each other in the hall, he always still stopped for a bit to talk or at the very least smiled and said hi in passing. So even though we had new circles of friends by then....we still had a friendship between us. He was just the most loving caring person. Everyone who knew him was SO incredibly lucky. Sadly he couldn't see this for himself. And he did have home issues...that didn't help matters any. He had your typical issues teens struggle w/...that didn't help matters any. He had things bringing him down and no clue how to go from there. He used to talk of wanting to take his life all the time...but friends at the time didn't know to take that seriously and so they joked it away w/ him and never sought out help for him...like talk to a teacher about their concerns or something. And then one day a relationship ended for him. It was a devasting blow and for him, I'm sure he felt like it was the last blow he could handle anymore. He took a gun to his chest and pulled the trigger. Because of the conversation he was involved in at the time (he was on the phone w/ someone) he pulled that trigger...where he aimed the gun and the bullet entered....all believe he only meant to injure himself and get anyone's attention...FINALLY....and get help. He just didn't know how to flat out ask. Well...sadly his cry for help didn't end as I'm sure he envisioined it would and he's gone from us now. The bullet hit an artery said to be very hard to hit when one purposely aims for it! And dammed if he wasn't a straight shot. Yey, just everyone's luck right?

Well.....it's so easy for people to reason when contemplating suicide that they won't be missed....people won't care...life will go on and they will be forgotten...some might even be happy, etc. etc. I have lived it and I know it's all crap. On both sides.....my friend's suicide and my own attempts that luckily I'm here to see now. But Jason's? 12 1/2 yrs. later and that hole in my heart where his friendship used to be....it still hurts like it just happened recently. I still think of him often. Very often I think of all the what-ifs and if onlys and where he might be now in his life. I ache for a friendship I can no longer have...well I have it...but not on any level I'd like obviously. I go to his grave often. His parents I'm sure grieve him everyday. I can only guess their thoughts but now that I'm a parent I can only imagine.....they have other children....you can bet they look at those children growing older...getting married...having children...and wondering how it would be in Jason's case.


If you really want reasons not to take yourself you have to look deep w/in side you. And think of my story of my friend....you may not feel so now...but the pain you'll leave behind is the worst of any kind.

Talk more w/ us here. I'd like to hear your story and talk w/ you more.