Predicament

Hey guys, for a few years now I've been struggling with myself; I'm always depressed. I don't like myself at all. Instead of living my life to the fullest, I've drawn away from much social contact and pretty much anything fun. To give you some background information of myself, I'm a 17 year old guy, hard-working AP student, a varsity athlete, and according to popular opinion, I'm decent looking. In my off time I enjoy reading, lifting weights, and writing. My parents are supportive of me, and even at times try to prevent me from pushing myself too hard, whether it be academically or physically. I'd consider myself relatively popular among my peers, and I always try to treat everyone well and not offend or insult them. For the most part, everyone I know thinks my life is ideal.

This contrasts starkly with my reality though; I tend to shy away from looking at myself in the mirror, constantly criticizing myself harshly for what I could've done better, believing myself to be inadequate to have a girlfriend because I might screw things up or not be the ideal guy. Anytime I enjoy myself, especially after a social event of some sort, afterwards I tend to withdraw more and feel a sense of remorse, as if I did something wrong. This has caused me to always stay calm and collected; being an emotional and vibrant person always results in me feeling depressed. In terms of friendships, I'm the guy who's everybody's friend, but no one's close friend. Most people have come to think well of me, but I believe that this is only because I try my hardest to appear like a great guy and I don't let them see anything more. On a regular basis people try to get closer with me by inviting me to the movies or something like that, but I always tell them I'm too busy or have to do something with the family. Consequently, I always feel alone and that nobody likes me. Oddly enough though, I get a sense of happiness when I think about me having a good time with others. I want people to know the real me, but I deny myself the oppurtunity to the show them.
Even when I'm alone I go through similar experiences. I deny myself the simple pleasures of life: eating any junk food, watching too much television, talking to friends through the computer, etc. In essence, anything that could possibly put a smile on my face I deny, yet, because I'm just a young teenage guy, I still think about these things and don't have the self-discipline to completely shut them out my mind.

I don't know what it is that makes me this way. It seems that I could have a vibrant and exciting life, yet I never will. The solution appears almost stupidly simplistic: step out of my shell a bit and live life, but I always stop myself and I don't understand what causes me to do so. Why do I do this? Why do I seem to avoid happiness or anything that would make me feel good whenever an oppurtunity arises? Why is it that I always choose a gloomy isolation over lively social experiences?

Hey.
It sounds quite like myself.But i dont deny myself pleasures,that is what im curious about in your situation.I wish i could though.
When you deny yourself the enjoyment of watching a movie for example, what is it you refer to doing the most instead of these things?

Hi. This does sound a little bit like the sort of social anxiety and guilt I have had issues with in the past. I think my first response is to say that it's not necessarily so bad that you eschew junk food and other things like that that other people your age might be enjoying. A lot of people don't have the discipline to avoid certain things that bring fleeting pleasures but end up doing more harm than good. You don't want to lose this; you may find yourself even worse off if you do, and it seems like this is part of who you are, which is what you want to express.

Do you have a sense of who you are - what it is that you want to express? After I mentioned similar dual feelings, a therapist once folded a piece of paper like a birthday card and asked me to draw my "outer self" on the outside and my "inner self" on the inside. I don't draw and I couldn't really think of anything, so I just kind of drew the first things that came into my head. They ended up being deeply symbolic and containing lots of little details I hadn't intended, but that fit with what I came to see as the differentiation I had developed in my head. At the same time, I realized that to a certain extent I wasn't completely sure of who the "inner me" was - that was part of my fear and part of my difficulty in expressing it.

When you enjoy yourself socially, are you "being yourself," in your view, and is that what makes you feel guilty?