i dont know what to do anymore

The voices don't claim to be from the CIA or whatever. Hell, they don't say where they're from. I just associated them with demons at 1st cuz I started hearing them when I became Satanic.

They instantly became negative after I became an atheist, which makes me wonder if there's a side of me that is still religious. The voices do sometimes try to get me to worship Satan again. And if that's what it is, could it then manifest itself as a separate personality? Have you heard of anything like this schizophrenia transitioning into dissociative identity disorder? Even though that would suck beyond belief, that would be kinda interesting...

I have done extensive research on schizophrenia in my free time. The only other person who knows about this is my girlfriend and she agrees that I shouldn't go see a counselor. The 2 things I'm not gonna let happen are getting locked up and/or drugged up.

(I just realized how misplaced this topic is. Reason I posted it here is cuz depression is my bigger problem dealing with, but hell you've got me interested in this "other side" of me)

Well interest is a great start
You can use that for motivation.
I guess we drifted a bit from depression.But you must consider at some stage do you want to get to the root of it or just bandaid the depression.
I see depression as a result of something else in most cases.It could be all the stress youve been through.Your fears of therapy are understandable and i have no information relating to how you would be handled with a counselor really.I could ask on another forum i know that does have psychologists.
Also i might do a little research on the topic of D.I.D and schizophrenia with cures and therapy methods without drugs.
It sounds risky to do without a counselor.I did this myself but my issues were not so invasive into my life that i couldnt change them with alot of research and self knowledge.Are you prepared to do that research? it could take a while.

There are alot of ways you can cope with depression too though.
Keeping busy and getting out for exerise and fresh air i think are great ways to do this.I find it hard to go for a walk sometimes because i hate just walking for the sake of it.So sometimes i am pacing in the apartment trying to think of a reason to go out.Eventually its ussually to get something small in the shop,but it gets me out and about.
Cutting down on sugar and carbs might help alot too.My first way of tackling depression would always be to test my diet first by cutting out all sugar and carbs.If there is a bad reaction and i feel like crap it means i need to detox.Once thats sorted i then move on to habits and ways of thinking in myself to try be more self aware of how im feeling and forcefully change it to be positive.That might take some reseach into n.l.p and some c.b.t too maybe.
If you consider what can be done under hypnosis/nlp you will see its quite possible to change behaviour/habits and even self image temporarily changed on the short term and permanently on the long term use.
So many ways and you have so much time to enjoy yourself as you look around.If you have a natural interest in this stuff it makes the research alot easier i found.I guess i had a natural interest as soon as i realised i needed to sort this out.

By the way when you were into the satanic stuff were you doing it with a group of people? If so was it an organised group and what age were they? i ask because i wonder about what you have experienced on the occult side of things that might have played a part in your hallcinations/imagination.Anything that could be loaded with subliminals or ever done hypnosis in a group or felt spaced out when someone is talking n said group alot.

ps. this might sound over the top.But what if the voices represent one part of your life experience and its in conflict with your previous upbringing.That would be a conflict within maybe.Which leads me back to the question of is it safe to try bring them all together and make peace inside yourself unconsiously or do like parts therapy.That is why you need the experts maybe

Hi,
I have read all of your posts with interest.

I agree that you might want to try self hypnosis or NLP. Even meditation - well especially meditation. It helps to calm and slow down your mind and evnetually gives you more control over your mind and your thoughts. And diet and exercise very important!

I used to think of my mind as "me". Now I realize that my brain is just another body part. Meditation can help you to take control and get your mind back on the right track.

What a relief it is to not be a slave to the random thoughts and feelngs and habits that you can get into.

No I;m not totally better obviously but meditation has helped me so very much.

Also please don't listen to those voices when they tell you anything bad or to kill yourself. You are a unique person with so much to contribute to the world if you would only give yourself that chance. The fact that ou could tell at such an early age about what was right wrong true or hypocritic shows you are aperson of depth and there is some part of you that has a keen sense of how much betteer things could be - the world could be a better place because of you! Don't give up that chance

To EYPICSYL: I was a completely solitary practitioner. There was no one in a position of authority to influence me.

To Isabella8: Thank you for taking the day off to read all this, lol. But honestly, this (god I hope this doesn't get me suspended like it did from yahoo answers) http://www.angelfire.com/empire/serpentis666/Aware.html is why I don't use hypnosis and/or meditation anymore, cuz that's where it all started. I do NOT recommend ANYTHING on this site to ANYONE who may be reading this post.

And I mean this in the absolute nicest way possible: just because you know how messed up in the head I am doesn't mean you truely know me. I'm not unique, I have nothing to contribute to the world, and I'm definitely not gonna make the world a better place. People say that stuff all the time to me and other suicidal people and makes me wonder just how generic and simplistic our society has become, developing this belief that saying "Oh dn't worry, it'll all be ok in the end." really makes a difference. Well it does actualy. It made my friend try to kill himself cuz he couldn't put up with all the people trying to "help" him. He would have been just fine if they had just left him the hell alone.
Again, that was just informative, it wasn't meant to be aggressive.

Ok well that rules out cult influence at least from a group situation.
I guess if you dont believe that things can get better then they most likely wont get to that place you dont believe exists.
I didnt believe for a long time myself but i feel much better being me than i did a few months ago let alone years ago when i was way worse and suicidal.
You can be rich and have all the material possesions you want and still be depressed and hopeless.So it really is how you think that makes the biggest difference i believe.Satanism may have shown you the opposite way to think.
When people give encouragement its ment to give you hope.But maybe you need to find your own hope in your own way so that it is yours.If you feel you dont have any it doesnt mean you cant find it.
If you feel you cant accept you might be happy later then maybe you have accepted to be sad instead.How will you find a solution when your still teaching your mind to go for the negative.The possibility or choice of the positive needs to be there for you or it is not an option.
I literally had to choose or force myself to be happy like training a new habit.At the moment im sitting at about 40/60(positive/negative) meaning i can decide at any time im reminded that i can decide to think positive or negative but i default still slightly to negative out of habit.
Maybe you have gone very far in the negative direction but its not too late to retrain your mind i bet.you are still not even 20yet!
I used to think ahead and think how old i will be when im 20 and it seemed sureal when thinking i would get THAT OLD! lol
Now i am 30 and looking back at 20 and thinking holy sh$t i was so young and could have done anything i wantd...if only i had realised at the time.My mind held me back because of my strict religion at that time.I still have old regrets because i didnt act then and i decided to mop arond or just do enough to get me by because i was depressed in my situation.
The key back then for me was i had low self esteem and i didnt even think i had the ability to change my situation.
I hope you dont do as i did and believe you negatve self when it says you cant do that.

People say life can be better because its true.Its just that you need to step up to the plate and make that life happen.
Some things that helped me get my head around accepting life positive and negative is the idea of ying and yang.

When i am thinking back to my dark past i also have this picture in my head.
It helps me remember that it is not only the good positive experiences that makes me a good person but also the bad ones too.
If i reject the black part of that ying and yang or the white part i am not complete and only functioning to half my potential.

Both parts make who i am and because of my differeing experience to ANYONE else in this universe i am a totally unique person as you are.That is just fact not just attempted motivation on peoples part.
You are unique and capable of much much more.you just dont see it or believe it yet.Its up to you if you will have that chance.
Its easy to carry on with habits including ways of being and thinking.It keeps us stable where we are.
For you to change your way of thinking will take work and searching but i think importantly too is belief that it is possible.

I was thinking too.If a religion (satanism) most likely changed your cognitive perceptions maybe buddhism or one of those could help move back to a more positive view as you work on research and yourself(i was a jehovahs witness and had to rehabilitate myself and my views of the world after i left).Doesnt have to be meditation.You can read up on the principles and beliefs.I think you need to do as i did and keepsearching for things that strike a chord in you and that you feel you can relate it to your life and past.You have had a rough past so it could take a while to get to where you want.
By the way how do you want your life to be in 10-13 years? Do you have any goals you want(or even better LOVE) to reach?

There are only 3 things I have observed that can change a person's way of thinking: drugs, near death experiences, and love. Obviously the latter 2 are what have changed me.

Where do I see myself in 10 years? I'm not even sure if I'll be alive. I would love to be in the USMC (yes I changed my mind about the Army in the past couple of days), happily married to the girl I'm with now, possibly have a kid, and not hear anymore voices!

By the way, less than an hour before I typed this I felt like someone was watching me (hard to explain but you probly know what I'm talking about) and I turned around and I swear a f***ing balloon told me to kill myself! Now I'm kinda afraid of what else I'm gonna hear/see... And no I will NOT go see a psychiatrist, at least in person.

Well you have plenty of time to decide on seeing someone.I dont think it needs to be a psychiatrist.I believe psychologists can have experience with d.i.d and schizophrenia if thats what it might be.
But if you defo arent going to see someone.To get it sorted will take years of study i think and thats still depending on your expertise(if you can fix it yourself at all that is).This isnt a simple depression situation after all.
Have you gotten a chance to ask a psychologist anywhere what would happen if you had scizophrenia? any idea of how the treatment goes in psychology as apose to psychiatry?
I believe psychology works with the mind more so than psychiatry who also work with drugs for treatments.I much prefer psychology.

Heres something interesting i found.
http://www.hearing-voices.org/information.html

The position of the hearing voices movement can be summarised as follows:

* Hearing voices is not in itself a sign of mental illness.
* Hearing voices is experienced by many people who do not have symptoms that would lead to diagnosis of mental illness.
* Hearing voices is often related to problems in life history.
* If hearing voices causes distress, the person who hears the voices can learn strategies to cope with the experience. This is often achieved by confronting the past problems that lie behind the experience.


A New Approach

Hearing voices has been regarded by psychiatry as 'auditory hallucinations', and in many cases a symptom of schizophrenia. However not everyone who hears voices has a diagnosis of schizophrenia. There are conflicting theories from psychiatrists, psychologists and voice hearers about why people do hear voices . We believe that they are similar to dreams, symbols of our unconscious minds. Although the Network is open to many diverse opinions we accept the explanation of each individual voice hearer.

Traditionally, the usual treatment for voice hearing has been major tranquillisers, administered to reduce the delusions and hallucinations. However not everyone responds to this treatment. There are some psychiatrists and psychologists who now work with people who hear voices using talking therapies and exploring the meaning of the voices.

Although this is not yet 'the norm', this practice is increasing. As the improvement in individuals who are encouraged to talk about their voices becomes more apparent and increasing number of health professionals are beginning to understand that the key to understanding voices lies in the 'content' of the voices.

So there appears to be treatments that do exist that deal with this kind of stuff by addressing what the voices say and where these may have originated from.Dont know how common it would to find someone to help with that.But if you intend to research all this it might be a good start.

Ok I may or may not have figured out what's wrong with me. I think I might be manic depressive and maybe the "down" days are caused by my hallucinations. And "up" days might honestly be caused by my girlfriend. I was happy as hell on saturday when we went out but all of today I've felt like $h!t and had constant voices in my ear about how they hate me because I promised my girlfriend I would never kill myself.

Mr. Will I feel sorry for your situation. I am depressed too mainly because no driver's license and the lack of my high school clothes. I really want a letter jacket from another school first because my HS's jacket is kinda ugly looking. Are you planning to earn a varsity award? I hope you do. If you do could I please have a copy of your cert. so I can order one myself?

I want everyone on this thread to reply to mine please.