i dont know what to do anymore

Hi, my name's Will, I'm 17 years old and I've been depressed for 5 years.

I've grown up in a hardcore catholic home and gone to catholic schools my whole life. My parents are absolutely obsessive with their faith, constantly screaming at me cuz I'm gonna go to hell for every little thing I do. This might be atributed to my dad's little man syndrome and my mother's psychosis. A large portion of my family is autistic, so we know mental disorders pretty well.

Catholicism had always made no sense to me, being as inconsistent as it is, and it taught me to question authority, question people's beliefs, and recognize hypocrisy. Noticing this at a young age (5), my dad beat me constantly which wasn't good considering he was in the Air Force and has black belts in judo, taekwondo, and karate. He would beat me even more when I would point out that that was kinda against what Jesus preached about, so he would drag my drunk mother into it. She would yell at me and my dad would beat her just for the hell of it. And then we would go to church, bruised and bloodied.

At 12, I realized exactly how screwed up the world is because of religion, politics, capitalism, corruption, and oil wars. I saw humanity for what it was, and still is, and I couldn't stand being a part of it. That's when my depression started and I instantly started getting thoughts of suicide and no self esteem or self respect (which I still don't have to this day). All my friends left me because at our school they taught that depression was a mark of the devil and anyone who was depressed would burn in hell. So I thought, screw them. All I wanted was for someone to be there, someone to listen to me.

Then, on the weekend I had vowed to hang myself in the 8th grade, I got a call from this cute girl at school wanting to know if I would go out with her. Oh god I thought that was the turning point in my life and that everything was gonna be uphill from there. HELL NO! It turns out she was depressed and cut herself (which I never got into). She didn't really like me, she just wanted a shoulder to cry on. We could connect at least because we both had terrible homes/families, but one day something happened and she wasn't depressed anymore. So she dumped me because she didn't want to make herself look bad by hanging out with the "emo kid." It took a while but I got over that.

Things continued to spiral downward until freshman year. That's when I got involved in Satanism and began practicing witchcraft and worshipping demons and whatnot. Funny thing is it helped! What I quickly noticed about Satanism was that the religion made sense and it was real! There was none of this "pray to god with your head bowed and never get an answer" so of thing. Demons would actually appear and talk to me and help me out with different problems I was experiencing. It felt so wonderful to feel like someone actually cared about me. Ironically, when I was feeling the best was the 1st time I attempted suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning, the 2nd being during my sophomore year by trying to suffocate myself with a plastic bag and a belt. I continued my devil worship until 4 months ago, the start of my junior year.

And then I became an atheist. I see now that all religions are just created to control the masses and enslave the weak/vulnerable. Does this make me schizophrenic? That would be my guess but at least I don't allow my hallucinations to interfere with my daily life. By the way I don't do any drugs or drink. Now I loved this: the weekend I vowed to try carbon monoxide again was 2 months ago and I was planning on doing so after going to our school's football game. That night I met my girlfriend and she is essentially my only reason for living becasue I don't want to do anything to hurt her. She is the only person who has actually accepted me for who I am and doesn't think less of me because of my depression. She is also depressed and cuts herself (I love the parallels here by the way) and I'm apparently the first one to not think less of her because of her scars. Whats really interesting is she left the catholic faith and became an atheist the same month I left Satanism for atheism.

My girlfriend is trying to get me to read books to take my mind off life and just forget about all the crappiness and just read some good fiction. What I figured out though is that read for more than 10 minutes at a time is mentally exhausting for me. And it makes me so angry cuz there are alot of books that I do wanna read but I can't. Advice on how to conquer this would be nice.

I didn't talk about every little event that has happened in the past 5 years but here's just a quick summary: known plenty of people who have attempted/committed/not even sure if they're still alive from suicide, friends/relatives of friends lost to drug addiction, feelings of guilt for just about everything I've done in my life, anger burning within me because of how many times I've screwed up. I don't have a license or car so I'm essentially under house arrest unless one of my 3 friends decides to come pick me up out in the middle of nowhere. And if I do survive until my senior year I want to join the military but I'm debating whether I should go Marines, National Guard, or Navy SEALS.

I guess I just needed to get this off my chest but any advice besides going to see a psychiatrist and getting doped up on antis would be great. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Hi Will,
Thats quite a story.
I totally agree with you about religion! i was a jehovahs witness myself as my mother forced me to go and i was then brainwashed or broken after a few years as a child doing this, i gave in.But im free of it now and im glad you are too, although it sounds like your still at home with your parents.
If so one thing to do is seek independance asap.
My flatmate has aspergers and grew up in a very religious house (jehovahs witness too) his dad probably has AS too and used to enforce the law of his religion overly heavy on his kids.My friend left home soon as he was 18 and could afford to.His life changed for the better once he got away from that enviornment.
About the issue with reading for long periods.Do you have aspergers aswell? My friend also doesnt like to read especially fiction he gets bored of it fast and frustrated.But he will now and again be able to handle a non fiction book if its a topic he is into.
Maybe books on psychology or some self help ones might be something you would find interesting?
If you cant get to reading something, there is always music,audio books,internet blogs.You could even write your own blog.
I feel sorry for your parents.They seem unable to control themselves.You appear very mature for your age also and could see you being able to avoid the same path they did.
Of that you should be damn proud.
I know youve probably heard this before,but give your life a chance without all that $#%^ before deciding its not worth living.
I agree on the psychiatry part.I dont like to be medicated anymore myself.
But i do think you could benefit from personal research into many psychology topics that you feel could be related to you.
Or at least try a counselor to get to the heart of things faster.They do know what to look out for alot of the time i would think.
I find myself that if i dont keep myself busy with hobbies and books i get bored and my mind can wander to issues that i have no control over at this time.Do you have any hobbies or interests?
Is joining the army a strong interest for you or just another way to escape your parents?
Thanks for sharing your story too Will.Its inspiring to see you have pushed through so much.It makes me stronger too, when i see you can do that i know i can push through my issues too.Thats something to be very proud of.

Thank you for your reply. I knew I wasn't alone in the world, but it feels great to actually talk to someone who understands pain like I do. To answer your questions:

I don't think I have Aspergers. Reading for extended periods of time just gives me painful headaches. Still trying to figure out what the problem could be cuz theres plenty of literature out there I find interesting (Poe, bits of the Divine Comedy, topics on psychiatry like you said).

As far as hobbies/interests, I'm a mediocre bass player and I spend much of my free time listening to music, 99% rock and metal with some classical.

And for the Army, I think that's what I want to do cuz I have read through just about all types of jobs out there and not much interests me as far as work goes. I'm a hard worker when it comes to jobs, but I couldn't do my homework to save my life. And that's just out of sheer laziness, which I'm still trying to overcome now but if I go Army, I won't need a college education so schoolwork is thus pointless to me.

Aha you play bass and have trouble with academics.Do you write with your left hand? Just curious.
You sound like you are a right brain dominant thinker like myself.
http://www.shamozzle.com/RightLeftBrainTest.html heres a visual test to see.

And a link with info on right brain thinkers.
http://www.suite101.com/content/right-b ... tics-a2607

Let me know what you think of the second link if it matches you alot.
I had alot of trouble with motivation(thought i was lazy,turns out i wasnt!) and especially hated school because of the way the system is geared toward people using left brain to learn.Once you figure which side you use its possible to utilize it better so you can find new ways to take in information better.
For example i used to think i was lazy because i couldnt follow a curriculum in school or felt really crap about commiting to a schedule or just didnt like any planned shcedules(like cleaning the apartment on certain days etc).I felt a bit useless because of this.After i learned it might be because of the way my brain functions(im more random in nature) i tried forgetting about my "laziness" and actually working on self esteem while keeping a list of things i needed done instead of setting a time to do them.I now get things done a bit more because i dont feel im lazy.But i do complement this with a fair bit of exercise which helps with my self esteem,depression,insomnia,overthinking,anxiety,social phobias.. oh ye and my health too haha

Something that came to mind when you mentioned headaches too was to ask if your eyes have been tested.You may not know if they are not 20/20 or one is slightly weaker and it may be causing the headaches.About 10 mins of wearing someone elses glasses would probably hurt anyones head so it might be something to check if you havent already that is.

I know it is easer to do physical work instead of a desk job.I prefer that too myself.Have worked on a few building sites and really enjoy the exercise.
Dont give up on the bass at the same time.Maybe you could be in a band in a few years
So many paths to choose,i found what is helping me narrow down my search for a career path(and im 30 years old now lol) is finding out as much as ican about myself.Like psychology and my behaviour.Why i do things and also how my brain works like left or right side and how that effects my life and how i do and should do things.Its helping me to narrow down what jobs i might be happier in as appose what ones i could get into.
As a very creative and random person i would need to be doing something that allows me some freedom to create.So psychology may not be a career choice for me.But maybe animal psychology would allow me that freedom ^^

Im interested to know if you are a right brain thinker.let me know if you check out those links

I'm right handed and right brained. That link about right brained people was exactly like me except for the part about trust. The part about right and left brained teachers might explain why I do poorly in certain classes, namely the ones with left brain teachers, aka all of them! XD And because I'm right brained and more inclined to creativity, I think it's kinda ironic I'm thinking about enlisting, that is if I get past the vision test and psychological screening.

I wear glasses most of the time cuz my vision is 20/500.

And if animal psychology sounds interesting to you, go for it! Live your life while you can. You sound at least fairly mentally stable so you'll be able to hold a job. I don't know how I'll stay employed if I keep hearing voices every freakin day!

Ye im fairly stable,but its only been about 2 months since i turned my attitude to life around.Still unemployed too.
Its just theres so many things i could do and so little jobs available in ireland at the mo.
I guess sometime soon i will need to take a leap of faith

Sorry i missed the part about voices on the first post i thnk.Do you hear them often and what do they say?
Its interesting now that you mention the right brain use and then voices in that post, it makes me wonder is hearing voices got to do with a really good imagination/ceativity
Hmm i wonder can you talk to them and get a response? Also have you been diagnosed with anything to do with that?
Even if you have something that appears negative at first, later on it can become a strength i found.Its just how you vew it and wether you can seperate your ideals and ignore society's view on how people should be like them as a whole.
My friend sent me a link to a wiki for neurodiversity.He has mild autism and he decided to take what he wanted from it instead of what he felt others might want to push on him.like dressing and acting like everyone expects.I try to be like him as thats how i feel but he does it better as he really doesnt care what people think! i love that haha
So thanks to the idea of neuro diversity he has turned a possible weakness(some peoples view of it) to a strength.
I do the same with depression that i used to suffer from pretty bad over the years.

I look back on the times i was so bad i wanted to die and was locked up for a few months in my apartment alone.Before i would look back with regret.But now i see that if i didnt suffer then i would not have had the desperate need to research and learn to fix myself and i would have missed out on this learning experience.now that i have gone solow i have a new mark that i can see is at the least as much as i can bare.I could now handle any depression at least to that level and know i can bounce back.Thats a strength for me.And i found a few others aswell to do with right brain traits that helps me feel better about the way i am and do things and helps me feel confident too.

Because i write so damn much i will ask again if you could tell me about the voices you mentioned.I find that facinating and would love to experience it for a few days.Its just one more experience in life i probably wont get to have and therefore leaving me a little less educated about something lol

They come up with reasons for me to kill myself and justify it with things I've done in the past. Basically saying I don't deserve to live, when in reality I do deserve to live cuz living is my punishment for all the $h!t I've done in my life.

Hmm that is amazing and also must of been scary for you too at first.
have you gotten used to it to a degree or tried talking back to them or any type of communication? or is that a silly question?
I vaguely remember reading an article on a medical study relating to inner voices and the right side of the brain or maybe just imagination and creativity.It might also have been the study done long ago on split brain patients where they were communicating with the other less used side of their brain.
Hope you dont mind me asking about it.I dont mean to pry.I am just so interested in this stuff and you are someone who can teach me so much on that topic.Nothing imo beats experience to really know something.I will probably never have the oppurtunity to actually try techniques on my mind as i cannot hear what you do.
I wonder too do you view it as a negative thing thinking about it or a positive thing in that you have in some ways a skill or girft that others will never know.After all it is not being projected i presume from outside so its all you my friend and that is amazing to me i hope you dont mind my honesty there.I would love to hear more if you would like to share.
Id also be curious what you could have done to think you need to be punished.
It is not our fault sometimes the things we act on.Emotons and thoughts can be overpowering.I have done soem stupid stuff myself,things i still feel ashamed for and cant take back.But i chose to go on and forgive myself through understanding that i am not perfect and there are reasons for every little thing that happens and every choice we make.

Don't worry about prying. This is a learning experience for you it sounds like so pry all you want.

Actually it wasn't really scary at first because it started off as nice, pleasent, encouraging voices that made me feel like someone actually cared about me. To what you said about them "not being projected": were you refering to physical manifestations/visual hallucinations? If so, then that's incorrect becasue sometimes a voice is accompanied with a body. They just look like people, nothing special, not anyone I know.

I view this curse as a negative thing. Sometimes the voices won't let me sleep at night. Other times they'll butt in when I'm having a conversation with someone, which is why I have to get people to repeat things a couple of times cuz I can't hear them over a voice in my head screaming at me. And I don't try to converse with products of my mind (anymore at least) becasue 1. I'm a boring person to talk to anyway and 2. I would be promoting my illness and that in turn might give it power which may cause it to take over my life.

Well what i ment was there isnt a cia type organisation projecting voices into your head im guessing so it must be from inside your brain somewhere.
Have you done alot of reading or research online about schizophrenia? I guess thats the obvious place to look first with the voices and hallucinations.
What i ment about it coming from within is that i am a bit of a problem solver and like to start with logical places to look.I am curious what part of the brain is responsible for our inner voice now and maybe this is different in you so you hears your unconsious mind or maybe just internal voice.
I have an internal voice that i use but its me talking in my head to myself and i control it.
But if yours are interrupting you and appearing visually i am thinking it could be your imagination is working overtime.
I wonder could we even go so far as to say you have such a good imagination that you experience it with life?
I also wonder if you did cognitive behavioural therapy to work on your unconsious mind would it effect those inner personalites or voices.
Have you been to an expert on schizophrenia or a counselor that has heard about the voices and projections? If so how did that go or what was the results?
I understand you dont want to encourage them,that does make sense for now alright.If you were to confront or work with them i suppose having an expert there to guide you would be very mportant to do it right.
Also it reminds me of parts therapy which you might be interested in reading about.

Also i was curious what do you think made the voices change from positive to negatve.Like your age, home situation or an incident that might have occured that might have caused them to go negative.I think for you to cope good it takes understanding of oneself too.you are a fair bit along in that respect i see.