Sucked into a downward spiral

To start off, I don't think I'm clinically depressed to the point that I would need medication, but I have been feeling very depressed and hopeless lately. I've gone through so much s*** throughout my whole life. In the early school years, mostly elementary and middle school, I was always made fun of and bullied for my weight, I was always overweight. In high school it didn't stop, it just changed from being made fun of to my face, to being made fun of behind my back. Now out of school, I thought everything was going pretty good for a while until the last couple years.

First, I want to mention that some of this probably should be in a different forum, but it all links to the sadness I've been feeling, so that's why I'm putting it here.

Out of high school, I got a job in the medical field, which is exactly what I wanted to do. I had a real boyfriend finally, and pretty much everything was going great. Then I got fired from the medical job, and I felt like I had lost everything in that moment. I felt like crap about myself because after months of searching for another medical position, I felt like I wasn't good enough to be in that field. After some time, I gave in and started looking for any job I could find. I finally found one and I've worked there for a couple years now, which is great, but I absolutely hate it. I like some of the people I work with, we have fun and laugh and joke all the time, which is very hard to find in the workplace... but that doesn't keep my hate for the job from surfacing. In customer service, people treat you like s***. In the medical field, you're still working as customer service, but no patient treats you like s***, they respect you, and it's all because of a stupid title! I'm straying from my topic... Right now I'm in school for a different position in the medical field, and a couple years later after getting fired, I'm still extremely worried about getting a new job. I don't ever want to be fired again... Oh, I didn't mention what I got fired for. They told me it was because I forgot some papers for charts and I wrote medications down twice sometimes with both the generic and brand names. Is that life threatening? Absolutely not. They're simple mistakes that anyone could have made. I don't think they're good enough reasons to fire someone over. I never even got a warning!

Right now I'm also working on losing weight. I haven't been able to exercise lately because of an injury. I don't think the lack of exercise is making me more emotional per se, because I was feeling sad while exercising regarding my weight. I know it's a long wait to see my final result, but it doesn't change how I feel about myself right now. I feel gross and unattractive. I've always looked at thinner girls and wondered how they feel not only in their bodies physically but also how they feel about themselves. I've always compared their bodies to mine. I also look at bigger women and think, "thank goodness I'm not that big." I'm sure that once I lose the weight I'll be much more confident not only in myself but with everything else in my life too. -- My boyfriend always tells me that I'm beautiful and he loves me the way I am, but I don't see that. I've also had friends say they want to see my chest and some tell me they fantasize about me, but I don't believe any of it. Well, I did believe it for a while until recently.

Lately I've also been feeling like I have no friends at all and I've been questioning what people seem to be on the outside. I got into a fight with one of my closest friends recently and now I feel like I have nobody. Nobody ever calls or texts me, I don't get emails, nobody cares. The only true caring that I feel is from my animals. I know they love me unconditionally and I love them. But why must I resort to receiving those feelings from just animals? Nobody can live like that. This next part is going to sound stupid... but recently I secretly found out about how some people truly feel about me on certain things. Nobody thinks I'm attractive, people think I'm stupid, and everyone has different ideas about me which are so far from the truth. Nobody knows anything about me, but they think they know everything. I thought I could trust some people around me until I found these things out. Why does everyone have to lie and hide things? Is there something wrong with me wanting to be honest to everyone about everything? I feel like I'm the only person in the world that opens themselves up that much to other people.

Another thing that has made me depressed for a long time is how I treat my boyfriend. He has a lot of female friends, and I get suspicious of every single one of them. There was once I got his password to his email and read some emails that he had been writing back and forth with some girl he had never met in person! The only thing that was revealed in those was that he admitted he likes the act of flirting and he was saying "xoxo" to her. When I confronted him about the "xoxo" he said he had no idea what that meant, which I knew was BS because he had written that for me before that. And the flirting thing... I can't even comprehend in my mind how people can be in a relationship and still flirt with other people, like it's ok? It's not ok. I also don't think watching/looking at porn while in a relationship is ok either. He doesn't do that but I thought I'd mention that I don't like it either. I also really hate it when he hugs his female friends. They always hang onto him like it's the last time they'll ever see him, but I can tell it's the girls doing that and not him. Really, these are the only complaints I have about him. It's not a lot, but he says that I get so jealous over nothing. For the record, the email thing was at the very beginning of our relationship and we've been together for 4 years now. So are the hugs nothing? I hate it when they text him too, is that nothing? I just can't help the anger that wells up inside me when I know that they text him or hear that he had been talking to one of them. I've tried stopping this behavior before but I really can't help it. I don't want to be betrayed or hurt.

okay... I think that's all for now. Sorry about the really long post, I'll add more later if I realize I missed something.

Hi Wolfsong, welcome to the forums!
Im glad you are able to share so much.I sometimes get frustrated with people who hold everything back although i understand why its just not me either.Im quite open about everything nd dont have any taboo subjects.This causes people to shy away sometimes but at least i feel a bit better that i know im not the only one like this!

About your situation,It appears you have very low self esteem,i guess you may know this already and possibly too that this can cause severe jealousy.Sometimes it is warranted aswell though.But until you are able to accept yourself how will you know when you are over reacting? you wont and that could be the whole issue for your relationship.
Its possible that your boyfriend is flirting and its lso possible he isnt! or that he is seeking what he does not feel from you.Its very hard to say as we people are so complicted and each situation is unique.
I would be very happy if you were able to see a counsellor of any type.Alot of the time it is nerly impossible to see ourselves as we really are and this causes us to recreate the same situations and habits over ina vicious cycle.To break this cycle you may need a little extra help or support.The forums are a great start and its easy to share and let all the hurt spill out for that release without worrying about judgement at all! i love it!
I have been tackling self esteem recently and learned to overcome my own trained negative view of myself.I first had to learn how i worked and why i had certain habits and ideas of myself,thwen i had to invstigate if they qwere true or not and how i could change what i thought needed to be changed.
Then the final part of MY puzzle clicked into place and i used all my knowledge from a couple of years research to hit myself with a combo of positive reinforcements to boost my morale and self esteem which is now a vicious cycle of happy thoughts each day.
With this new attitude people are becoming more drawn to me and life appears to be working out.I have my motivation back too.
I had similar issues with my last few jobs in that i didnt dare do certain tasks because i thought i wasnt good enough.This prevented me from actually learnign these important tsks and im now a fully qualified machinist unable to do a key aspect of that job which is joinery with doors and windows on the machines.The rest i was good at.But you see i created my own issues through a learned negative attitude about myself.

What you need to realise is that your whole attitude and self has been trained through habitual abuse and habitual low self esteem feeding off each other pushing you down.Your boyfriend is not the real big issue.
I would say forget about him in respect to your goals right now because you are much more important and need the positive focus more it seems.I dont mean abandon him! just focus on your own self esteem and when that is fixed he will either love/respect you so much more for who you are or you will not need to be focused on him and will see him for who he really is and wether he is really a nice guy or not.You will find your will be much more powerful in yourself.This is already true but, you are at the moment living life unconsciously without control and wont be able to see just how amazing you are and can be until this self esteem issue is resovled within yourself.
I really do think you should do personal research on self esteem but more importantly take the shortcut i never did and save yourself years of study by seeing a professional about this.
There are so many techniques to choose from.
On the short term N.L.P is nice but takes self knowledge and nlp knowledge to really carry it through long term in my oppinion.
C.B.T (cognitive behavioural therapy) is currently one of the most popular forms for helping to change the unconscious self and behaviour.
Its like we have a recorder in the back of our heads and if we keep recording negative thoughts it is remembered unconsciously and reinforced unconsciously so we are never aware of it!
Becomeing self aware helps to see this but its hard.
I read recently that memory is stored in the brain by the creases.The more you do something or remember something the deeper those creases get and the more prominant and easier it is to remember.Think of water flowing along the easiest path.
This understanding helped me realise that to change my unconscious habits i simply needed to force a new path as it were so those old creases will fade away and be replaced by my new self who is bloody happy as larry now!
I know you can do this and i will be here to assist or just to listen.
Give your boyfriend a break for now so he does not feel pressured.You can deal with him when you are able to see clearly.
Right now you are seeing life through a fuzzy veil,that will be lifted later.
Until you have gotten on top of things and "retrained" your inner self you should try your best to smile more especially as you wake up in the morning or fall asleep at night.(i have studied quite a bit so trust me! )
When you lead your unconscious in a stubborn manor it will follow you eventually, like those creases it is easier at the moment to follow the path of least resistance and act out or think negative.Remember that next time you feel it coming on.
Remember you can chose how you want to feel if you remember what a feeling is like!
When i get sad i make a choice about how i want to feel and my depression lifts.I try my best to really by happy for the little things i have.
There was a time i was unable to step outside my door!I now go walking every day and looking back the mere fact i can step outside makes me rejoice and wonder..what else can i do that i was unable to before?
What about you wolfsong,what would you like to do? What have you not experienced? there is a whole world out there waiting it crazy we sometimes just cannot see this.

I would lastly say that i have suffered greatly from an illness that caused severe depression and my own story is posted in my signature at the bottom of this post.I would encourage you to read that as the illness i had is quite common and can cause severe to moderate depression amongst many other symptoms.It would be well worth looking into for your own sake.A healthy life leads to a healthy mind in soem cases and it was integral to my mental recovery.
I hope to hear from you soon.