Nothing in life makes me happy,and terrified about my future

I'm new to this forum,and well,this is my first thread.I'm diagnosed with bipolar disorder,borderline personality disorder and depression,lately it seems like my symptoms have been just as unmanagable as it gets.It seems like everything makes me either sad or extremly angry,I read internet forums about topics that don't even really pertain to me and they either make me sad/or violently angry.I also go out of my way to find negative topics to read about,I truly want to be happy,but it seems like some force is drawing me towards all of the negative,why? It seems like I cannot be happy,anything that makes me happy I deliberately seek out the negative aspect of it so I can complain and not do or partake in it anymore.At 27 and not having been in a serious committed relationship I am also terrified of dying alone,and spending my entire life by myself,I'm so scared that no man will want to go near me because of my weight and looks(I am considered obese and I see myself as extremly ugly,almost monster like)I need some guidance on why I am doing these things,how I can rationialize my thinking and maybe even boost my self esteem,I hate feeling like a non human creature due to my weight.

Hdh83, you are a human being with some problems and the right to be happy. Maybe you look for the bad side of everything because you have low self esteem and just feel like you don't deserve to have good things happen to you. Maybe someone made you feel that way in the past or it's due to your illnesses. Facing life and trying to find a bit of happiness can be scary and staying sad is just the safe option.
Is there anything you feel that you are good at and enjoy doing? Are you having therapy?

I haven't seen a counselor for over a year,but yes,I do believe it's time to make an appointment and go see them.I experienced a ton of bullying when I was in school,and those painful memories are still with me to this day.In fact,I was even mentally abused by one of my teachers.When I was in the third grade I was physically removed from the classroom and made to sit at a desk in a dark,locked closet for about an hour,to this day I am still terrified of the dark.And yes,I have very,very poor self esteem,I view myself as inadequate in every way possible,just a complete loser and waste of oyxgen and space.I've thought about suicide many,many times,but can't do it because I'm afraid of the pain and uncertain what will happen to me when I die.The tragic thing about all of this is that I am considered talented and gifted,in fact when I was in the 2nd grade I could already read at a college level and had the vocabulary of an adult,I was even put in advanced level classes.I know if I had wanted to I could have gotten accepted into any college in the world,but I never even applied,yet another wasted opportunity on my part.I have done online research regarding people who are gifted,and have found that sometimes they are prone to worrying about every little thing in the world,and it's quite easy to seriously damage their feelings.I thought that my worrying and deep emotional sensitivities were due to my varying mental disorders,and the mentioned childhood trauma,never due to me being "gifted",if that's the case I consider it to be a curse.I want to be happy and carry on a normal,successful life,but like you mentioned I just search and ponder the negative,even when it comes to things that I enjoy.

Well, you have to keep thinking about why you do these things and accept the fact that it's not healthy for you and that you have to change the way you deal with life. Yes, you might need therapy (from a decent professional, don't give up if you don't find someone right away) and it might take some time, but the very fact that you're analizing and facing this means that you can get better.
It's awful how bullying and mental/emotional abuse can hurt people. Don't give up on your life, though, those people aren't worth it.
Hey, maybe in the future you'll find something really interesting to do, since you are a gifted person.