Not happy, confused, worried about life.

Hello everyone

First of all; i had no idea where to post this since it may have nothing to do with clinical depression and so feel free to change title/move the thread so it's in the right place, as it involves insomnia, etc; but the main concern is the depression (or maybe its not depression at all!)

I basically joined because i didn't know where else to turn for some advice, even the smallest advice now is helpful. And this forum i know of, and have read things before since it's quite good as people seem nice&helpful..

Warning: i have a ridiculously fast typing speed so it may be overly long.. (and due to this i make many errors in my writing ha)

I'll be brief, I've had insomnia since i was around 1 years old, I am almost 18 now and have never been able to sleep well, it has gradually been getting worse and recently been getting tired intense periods of tiredness even if i sleep fine.

I've never been happy before really either, when i was young i used to be ambitious about my future by keeping myself busy in films i created, writing and so on, but when i was in grade 8 i hated my school so much (was quite popular but felt trapped as it was a small school) and told my parents and myself i wanted to kill myself everyday..crying, etc. I actually planned to kill myself before i finished school then, and potentially have heaps of fun until that day..
Things did get better, just living for the weekend as people said getting so drunk, and such throughout second half of grade 9, having parts of year 9 very emotional, but fine otherwise.
Year 10 the feelings returned again, i hated myself, my school and those in it. i wanted to move away and everyone was just so annoying.. i had quite a few friends out of school though, so I decided to try ecstasy on several occasions at the end of the year (my choice and tried to influence others too), and it was the first time id ever been happy, it was incredible. still i have not felt any happiness aside from there. done other drugs since then and i am so much happier when detached from my mind in reality.. although when i drink i usually have to get to the point of passing out, vommitting so much before i stop thinking (i do it too often just to have a break)...

So the final two years of school have been very social, (not as much the seocond last) and i have heaps of friends this year going out clubbing, gatherings, but i am becoming more unhappy then ever. I am trying to figure myself out so badly, and it's so difficult; after so long i realise that i have two identites inside me (not as strong as this, its not any sort of split personality as i full control) just two identities, both of which have different wants, needs, feelings, and so on.
What i mean is;
Up until end of grade 9, i was a drama student, just wanting to go crazy, and have fun - but secrelty wanting to kill myself and remembering that i would eventually die young.
The other developed as a science student that hated people (grade 10), and now this personality has the obsession of doing medicine since then, and wants to not be social, and be isolated and study hard- this personality has a purpose in life, its who i want to be, helping others. but this (who i am right now) is so afraid of dying, when im in this identity, i fear every moment i thnk about time and death. but when im the other im so ready to die and cannot bear to live any longer.

at present my social life is strong, and my desire to do medicne is strong and i keep switching between the two now so quickly i am almost merging (but not really, more just flicking so much between the two each day)..
i want to be a writer, learn french doing drama having fun and being really social; then die young abusing drugs,
but i also want to study hard, socialise with a different ground, avoid all drugs and do well in life, achieve high- and avoid death as much as possible and aid others too in this - so afraid of losing my intelligence that i have gained somehow over the years...

even the way i speak and act, they are quite different and emotionally, the first identity is extremely emotional, and very sensitive.. the other is not very emotional at all, very blunt, almost heartless at times but understands from a diffrent point of view.

it's painful that i dont know who i am at any moment cos i feel the same until i interact with the world, and im so unhappy and i want to die so badly but im so afraid to do so. i never think about death usually, it pushes the boundries on one of my selves, i did the other day and i had a panic attack in the shower and couldn't breath and just lay down on the floor clearing my mind for a very long time.
i know i will go into medicine though, and i am trying to be this person which i have done so well to do, but recently im starting to go out more, into the drug scene, and i hate this so much but i love it so much more. it makes me forget reality, but when i switch to my other self, my desired self wanting to do medicine- i have a purpose inlife, and am so unhappy though, and hating the thought of going out, detesting clubs so much but as i have started to go out again to clubs, this has brought out my crazier other self;(

im so afraid of getting into medicine nad not allowing my other self to develop those talents, even writing especially, and will miss the social aspects compared to a normal degree too much taht it'll be painful and my life will corrupt becoming meaningless.
i hate myself, and i just want to be happy, and not think so much. and i want to do medicine so bad right after school if i get in, and i know if i do another more general degree i will regret not trying harder for undergraduate medicine.

i often feel isolated from the world and think to myself for hours, usually in the shower, its like havng a convo with myself, but im speaking to someoen, like a friend or my doctor, like a fake memory that i am creating. which i can do, create memories like awake dreams that i can know after aren't real but they are far more intense then daydreams, and this where a lot of my worst thoughts occur..
argh so sorry for writing too much, but these past couple of months i have been craving death with my intense hatred of school but living in too much fear to handle, moreso then usual. i dont want to live, but i do.. ###$ i just want to die and its so hard to not think of this has a single. im actually getting a headache from typing all this..
ive been seeing doctors for years about my sleeping disorder but im too afraid to talk about any of this, so my pride that this horrible truth of me will seen is too much..

what should i do?
will i ever be able to be happy? or am i destined to a life of misery, unless one of those days i stare at all my pills and think i want to do take them all.

haod;iwadawd i have to stop but there is so much more wrong with me.. ive have slight OCD on one of my identites that everything must be done in a specific way..
it's not that unusual for me to burst into tears and want to kill myself, then not long after, be competely embarrased about it and even become manic.. bouncy, become overly excited, and then drop again later. feeling horrible, lonley..

i have an extremely overactive imagination like the intense daydreams. i have unusual mannerisms.
. and i often look at myself many times a day because each time i look so different and barely recognised myself... i cant imagine what i look like which scares me, and i reconstruct usually one of two options from what identity im in (either really attractive and i am very self confident; or i feel horribly disfigured and attempt to hide my face). and when i check, if i've switched, i become really distressed and dont look anythin like i thought i did, and get quite nervous.

there is too much that is wrong with me even body image problems.. i seriously doubt i can be helped.i also am afraid that if i tell anything to my doctors, they will think i am complaining and wont take me seriously- as sometimes i can't express anything in my mind. but other times, especially at night, i am so emotive and can do so, which is why i have decided to write this so late.

i look at this world often as an outsider looking in and no one else can realise what i've seen about death, and human nature, etc. i can be mean as i am intolerant of stupidity but can envy (one personality) being able to live carefree and despise (the other) as the thought of being stupid.
it saddens me that i am like this:( and the intelligence, the such bizarre intelligence that still makes little sense how to use it, has made me such a.. well.. freak to myself, all my friends think im a freak too but we are close anyway, because i have been so weird for so long.

ok..
so sorry for making this so long...

thanks so much for reading if you do though, tell me anything i can do? even medications that may help? anything please, im so desperate, and right now im feeling like i want to die:(

Ray.

Ray,

Thank you for coming here - I really appreciate you writing all that you have. As I see it, you're mind is 'itching' for some action in life. You seem deflated and sad/sullen. You'rein your final year of school, right?; and you want to do medicine? This shoiuld be yor next target in life - ie get the grades that are sufficient for medicine and then enjoy the achievement of being accepted. However, you should also make a plan B in case 'A' does not work out. Right, now you seem to have no plan at all, but that's reasonable because of your low mood.

Also, if you went to a doctor, he/she WOULD listen to you - i'm sure of it - but only if you were willing to be completely open and honest about your problems. If you went to the doc and just let him/her do all of the talking, then they willmake their own assumption(s) about you. If you, however, do the talking and let them listen, then you will have made their assumption(s) for them. As a good starting point, you should paraphrase/summarise (in bullet-point) your post here and then bring it with you to the doctor.

Things can change for you dude- i'm sure of it. i have been at the very bottom of life. I wanted to die, just as you do now, but in the past few weeks the thougts of death have vanished. It took years for them to go, but it's proof that there is a way back.

Let me know if I can help you further.

Kevin

Thanks for the reply,

I actually have planned every possible event that could occur in order to get into medicine, so thats my plan for the future, eventually i will get there. Period.
And i keep going out and it's having a negative impact on my results, thats one of the problems, my attitude keeps changing and i can't control feeling the way i feel about school/not wanting to do any work. I'm just i could have both a good attitude towards studying and social aspects next year at uni, (i'd hope so) but now definitely not.

I'm too scared to say anyting to a doctor, i used to see a pyschologist about my sleep and i planned on several occasions when i was in a more emotional state to say even just a little, but i'd always arrive there and be in my other self that i am actually emotionless and so i didn't even consider to bring it up. It's difficult for that reason too.

It's awesome that you seem so determined about doing medicine - always great to have a goal to aim towards. You seem to know how you can get to eventually doing it too, which is obviously important. We can have dreams, but we need to know the road to get to them too.

You don't have to go to a doctor then,but keep it in the back of your mind over the next while. The more you leave it in your thoughts and think about it, the more accepting of it - overall- you might feel (and therefore you might talk more if you decide to go at a later date).

It is best to seek professional help. However, if your trust only lies in anonymous forums I guess I would provide you with some feedback. It sounds like you have created this alternative direction for you in life because you are not happy with the current one that you are leading. For some reason, the popular social life seems rather empty and lacks any purpose you sound like a rather intelligent person and this is bothering you. The popular life does seem a lot more fun and exciting but empty as well. On the other hand there is a more boring life of medicine but it is more worthy and contributes greatly to society. However, why not do both ? I would say do medicine, but maintain some clubbing and bar activity minus the drugs. I guess I do not really understand your unilateral thinking of the two lifestyles.

You don't have to be a full on nerd and isolate yourself from all others while you study medicine and you don't have to live a life of drug laden episodes with a career in drama either. The key is to finding a balance between work and play. BY NO means is this an easy feat. I guess that is why life is so difficult and why many seek suicide as a way to end all their problems. However, I guess your choice is to stay in this life and deal with it or end it .. it is the easier way out... My view is you only have one life to live so why not stick around and fight. I too struggle with suicidal thoughts on a daily basis, but common sense pulls me away from it. I hope this helps ...

thank you for replies.
unfortunately i have already replied but there seemed to be an error as it disappeared and i'm really lazy right now so i can't be bothered typing anything again.so i'll reply different:

yeah you sound like your right softbaked, i am not happy at all, but what to do about it?
many, many people are unhappy and there seems to be no cure. i cannot imagine, not even in the slightest, how therapies or anti-depressents and the like will help me, so what can a doctor do? i seem hopeless, like i will live a life that will seem to be a successful one, where parents can be proud and friends can admire, but i will lack enjoyment, and will be unfulfilled. This is my biggest fear and there is no way to suppress this as i have done. I just assumed i would grow out of all of this, it doesn't seem like i will
i guess all of this typing from the first post was just an expression of my hopelessness as sure you guys can relate, but can you really help? just realising this now in a different state of mind is upsetting:(
sorry for wasting your time if i have...
i can't seem to study much these days anyways as im never in the mood to go against this rather growing 'depression', but i doubt its depression, it's something else, something incurable and bothersome... Again i will say, i am hopeless.

Argh life is the worst, and i wish i could have the lifestyles combined and be happy. I actually don't even care where I end up as long as i am happy, but where can i find happiness? The word has faded from my mind completely, I'm not even sure it ever existed, i discovered the other day when my mum and i brought up my children, she told me I was definitely not a happy child. That was a suprise, aren't all children happy, i assumed..
Definitely hopeless! Hah!

well not all children are happy some are quite cranky and they do not appreicate the state of being a child. I remember I wasn't too happy of a kid either sometimes, I worried about my classmates and some were picking on me. However, I was always told to ignore them by my parents and the teacher doesn't do anything. Yea.... I wish someone told me how easy being a child was you don't have to worry about working , paying bills etc. Plus they should have told me to beat up the other kids, fight back, you are a child they won't put you in jail etc. Anyway I am rambling now, back on topic.

YES HOPELESSNESS is a big part of depression. Aside from sadness, hopelessness is a big one. So , you believe you won't be happy even if you were to attain all those things and make your parents proud be successful things like that? hmmm I guess your quest is to find out what makes you happy. It is different for everyone, some find joy in helping others. It might sound weird, but when I was very depressed, I encountered a blind man in the library and I had to help him twice to find his friend, but that gave me a spark of happiness in my day and I felt Great! I thought, it would be awesome if there was blind people to help everyday. Odd yes. BUt that made me happy. So, just find something you enjoy doing and be true to yourself. Now I'm not trying to tell you to fly to Africa and help all the starving children. That is too extreme.

I think you are at that stage in your life where you do not even know who you are as a person. I went through that and am still going through it to some extent. I am 25 now, but in my 20s I felt so lost and zombie like. General feelings of emptiness and I felt like a lost soul, but I didn't really tell anyone because they would just think I am weird or they would worry about me. So, I pretended like everything was normal, laughed, played, did my school work. There is no real quick fix for getting out of this fix. You just have to take your time to find out who you are, what you want to be, what kind of people you want to hang around and associate yourself with. Things like that .

I love food, easy going people, smart and not smart is ok too as long as they have a good heart. Still not sure what career path I will take, but I am hoping things would work out.

Thanks for the reply.

So you basically got over this with time? I just have to get through it like you did? (or alteast get to the better stage of where you are now). I will find a way to distract myself from this until then, hopefully travelling in the future, university and going out with someone i love could help (not that the last one will be easier to accomplish at all ahah!), i think it will distract me- just won't get rid of it, the emptiness is always there.

Hopefully you completely get over it too!

New goal: Discover this bizarre thing called 'happiness' and force it to stay.

Well time , but not just time. Basically, trial and error. Looking at your options and picking one then if it doesn't work out, you move on to whatever else interests you and so forth. Just try to figure out who you are as a person, how you want to treat others, what sort of son/lover/teacher you want to be things like that. Then let your actions follow suit, the most important is your actions because that ultimately determines who you are as a person. So enjoy the journey, and it is not easy. Many, many, many times it seems endless and hopeless, but that is just how it is , just suck it up and move on.

softbaked007 wrote:Well time , but not just time. Basically, trial and error. Looking at your options and picking one then if it doesn't work out, you move on to whatever else interests you and so forth. Just try to figure out who you are as a person, how you want to treat others, what sort of son/lover/teacher you want to be things like that. Then let your actions follow suit, the most important is your actions because that ultimately determines who you are as a person. So enjoy the journey, and it is not easy. Many, many, many times it seems endless and hopeless, but that is just how it is , just suck it up and move on.

Ah okay i see thank you.
I guess life just sucks heh
Well i have to get through this year and finish school, because i can't do anything right now about my hatred towards life. Need to push through and then i'll try and figure myself out... Somehow doesn't seem easy.