Trying to battle through

Hi my name is Daryll, im new to this forum, I was amazed to find something like this online of people who can potentially give me advice on getting better.

Many years ago I was a tough strong hearted person, I never let much effect me, id gone through a lot of operations whilst I was young on my ears, mainly removing keloid scaring and tumors on both side of my ears.

Then I met my ex partner in September 2008, we used to work together, it was all a whirlwind romance for once I dropped my guard and actually did everything and anything for that person. We got together in the November 2008 after seeing each other a lot getting to know each other, by January 2009 she moved in with me and my parents as she didn't have a very good relationship with her mother, this is where things started to turn bad.

She changed from once being a real loving sweet person, to a horrible volatile person, I just prayed each day that things would get better. Then in April 2009 we found out she was pregnant...

By June 2009 we didnt last much longer, she broke up with me whilst I was on first aid training course saying she was no longer in love with me. I attended the first scan with her after we agreed we would give things another try. It was all tense and horrible my mind is blocking out the worst of it, but I remember we was driving home from the hospital and on the motor way she threw the £180 ring I brought her for valentines day at me and started shouting at me saying she regrets me being the father she hated me and didnt want me around her, then started shouting more because i burst in to tears for the first time in about 8 years (the only time before that was when i broke my leg) and nearly lost control of the car, what did she want me to do there was no hard shoulder to pull over on.

Then the day came when her, her brother and his fiancee came to mine to pick up her stuff, I tried to talk with her but she just walked past me like I was nothing, I had never felt as much pain as i did then, I automatically hit the bottle whilst she was getting her stuff, just to be confronted by her brother giving it the big I am trying to cause a fight. Then I felt rage I kept telling myself i was going to kill him, luckily my friend was passing by and saw their cars at mine and came in the house and defused the situation. they got the rest of my ex partners stuff and left. As the car left my road. I again broke in to tears, half because I was a free man and she couldn't hurt me anymore and the other was out of shock that she left me without even looking at me.

I went off of the rails, was drinking everyday and almost lost my job. Its only when I lost it and went on a rampage punching every brick wall, fence in sight that I was made to realise I needed help. My best friend took me to the doctors cause I felt so ashamed of how low I had become, i was put on to 2 lots of anti depressants and sleeping tablets to make me sleep and councilling. My friend attended every session with me through the time.

I changed my job to work with my mum so someone in my family was close by to keep me in line, to this day I still hold this job and have no regrets changing my job. Through this time whilst doing councilling I was also pursuing the legal battle for who I then found out through friends was going to be my daughter.

Just as I started to get better in December 2009, my nan was admitted to hospital suffering cancer, she had been fighting it for 8 years. She vowed she was going to fight through to see her first great grand daughter.

I spent 19 days at the hospital by her bedside, it was 04.32am 29th December 2009 that I watched her die, she looked so peaceful, but inside I was filled with hate, I had asked my ex partner for a scan picture which I was willing to pay to show my nan so she could see a picture of her great granddaughter, she even attempted to knit a cardigan for her as she had done with all her grandchildren when they was born. To this day I still hold that cardigan. For days I was praying she would come back and if need be someone take my life for hers. Then on the 3rd of January 2010 my daughter was born, I was told two weeks later as she had almost died at birth. after two more weeks of liaising with my ex partner I finally got to meet her. Her name was Alice she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

Then my ex turned on me, she wouldn't give me parental access and responsibility and registered my daughter as father unknown and then refused to take a DNA test. After losing my nan who was also my best friend and now having my daughter taken away from me i went off of the rails again, since February 2010 I have experienced the feelings I never wanted to feel again. To this day I still am on anti depressants and sleeping tablets. It has affected every part of my life, I was once a slender muscular lad, even though I stopped eating and drinking i put on weight faster than u could shout juranimo! to this day im still struggling to get through each day in life, even though legal proceedings have now stopped after the amount of debt i was left with.

To this day i still wish the angels had taken me to heal people that are struggling.

Sorry for the essay, i just need someone to understand.

Regards

Daryll

Daryll,

All that you have been through is quite deep, horrific, and horrible - or whatever other words you want to call it - and I seriously doubt that most others will ever have to endure so much as you have in their entire lifetime. One thing that came to my mind was how she seemed to mishandle everything when your relationship with her ended. She seems to have no control over her emotions and seemed to leave spontaneously. If anything, she might have been projecting her own anger and depression on life at you, and this might have contributed to the break-up. I'm just guessing here really. Then again, you didn't handle everything after the break-up. I can easily understand why you struggled to cope, as my life tumbled downhill directly after a break-up too.

Which medication are you currently taking (the anti-depressant) and what do you still want from life? Answering 'nothing' to this question is simply not an option dude. There must be one or more things you still want to do.

I am unsure of the legal situation surrounding your daughter, but if you are the biological father then I assume you automatically have rights in the eyes of the law. I am not going to comment too much, however, in case I say something that is misleading. What I do believe you should do is see the next few weeks or months as the time when you 'mend' everything to the best of your ability. Pluck up as much determination and strenght as you can and get everything sorted-out that needs to be [sorted-out]. You cannot hide away from this stuff anymore because otherwis it'll be dragging yuo down 'forever'.

I lost my grandmother a few months before yours, and as much as I didn't expect to cry at the funeral, I ended-up being the one to cry the most. It came from nowhere.

Kevin

im sorry that you've faced a load of very bad time. i agree with what kevin has said. it may be best to aim to fully recover before applying the additional stress of seeking your daughter. then you will be better able to succeed in any future legal proceedings. I know how much it can torture us to relive the past every day and night. But if there is one thing I have learned, it's that nothing is permanent. And that there is always a glimmer of change in the distant future. For the time being we just take small steps in that direction. even if you don't feel strong enough to recover right now, you will become stronger.

Kevin,

I have been on dosulpin 25 + 75 mg whilst also taking zopiclone a sedative that was supposed to help control my sleeping thus so far failing to do anything. I was then moved on to taking citolpram, dosulpin and zopiclone whilst the sleeping has slightly improved still not majorly.

I had to stop all legal proceedings after amounting in to debt from my legal fees, probably one of the hardest decisions i've had to make in life to date.

Luckily i do have a massive amount of support from friends and family but it seems everything they say and do for me to try and help has no effect on me what so ever.

My ex was controlled by her family, her family threw her out of her home and she ended up living with me once she fell pregnant her family brain washed her in to believing i would never be able to support a child. I have a well paid job and come from a very large family so im quite used to dealing with kids.

What i want in life is to be happy again and find out the truth, but its like there is a split personality inside me holding me back from doing it. So far all i have is let my ex win and hurt me like she said she would when we broke up. The stress i have encountered has put me hugely out of shape, i was once a fit muscular lad and now im not yet nothing has changed about my diet or exercise so im baffled as to what has actually happened.

Sorry i took a while to reply i have been away from home for a while to try and clear my head which ultimately failed as i've worried about absolutely everything whilst being away.

Please excuse my poor grammar, only 7 hours sleep in 4 days is really starting to catch up on me.

Regards,

Daryll

hmm, tough times indeed, Daryll, but just as both I and Murderface have implied, other things will have to be set aside for now until you get back to a level wqhere you can kick-start your life. I mean, you've mentioned your physicality/body in your previous post, but something like that could wait until you get everything else sorted, right? Mental stress can impact our bodies through the constant realease of 'stress' hormones, so many that is what has happened to your body. It happened to me a few months ago, but I am recovering now.

Picture this as a time that requires immense reorganisation more than anything. You have to reinvent yourself, but in the long term it can be a positive thing.

Kevin

I debated turning to religion to rid me of my sins, would this be a way forward?

I've never really believed in religion and always thought it was a farce but a very religious friend of mine said this is a time i need guidance from god... Should i take there advice? I brought insence sticks for my room to make it smell nice and find it relaxing after a long day at work, currently working 12 hours a day out of choice (im in training to be a director).

Im supposed to come off of tablets in 10 days. The thought of not having it there scares me. Would i be right to see my doctor to request more?

Thank you for all the advise so far, i really appreciate it.

Religion will only work if you are willing to embrace it, but you do'nt have to believe in God to do that either. I am an atheist, but I lived in York, UK recently and the biggest cathedral in 'Northern' Europe is there. i occasionally just went in to sit down and be alone with my thoughts. Sometimes the organists were practicing and it was nice to hear that. I also used to go to a 'quiet' room with a Born Again Christian woman who I studied with (last year), and that was kind of peaceful too. We just prayed and talked about God. I don't believe in Him, as I've mentioned, but it was nice to pretend.

If you are having doubts about the medication, then bring it up with your doc. It could be difficult coming off your meds. You're not going to have any potentially stressful events coming up, are you? Ideally, when you come off them, you should have at lreast a full week of nothing major happening. You'll need the peacefulness as your body re-adjusts

Kevin