Medication no longer working.

I've been on and off of several different types of depression and anxiety meds for over 6 years. As angry as it makes me to have to have a "crutch", I've never been a stranger to mental disorders... I can't remember a time when I did not have some kind of phobia or severe frustration where others did just fine. I am more angry right now, in fact, than depressed... but I know it will return as it was little more than an hour ago... my defense mechanism has kicked in and "he" always makes sure to keep me "alive", as it were...

A terrible sadness will set in from recent events and from the gradual failure of my meds to sufficiently deal with the problems in my brain. I feel as though I could take everyone with me as I fall. I have a long knife on my desk and have been moments away from plunging it into my heart, and only tonight. Why would anyone want to be with me when I can't even feel the desire to live anymore? I can't ######6 stand all this pain! RRRRRRRRGH! My psychiatrist is an old foreign gent, and he just doesn't understand half of what I say. What am I supposed to do when he tells me to go out and make friends for the 4 billionth time this year???

I'm sorry you feel as you do. I have had some of the same feelings and frustrations. I was on various meds for many years. Many did not work or gave severe side effects. If a medicine worked, it stopped working after a while. Meds left me with a body so fat that I thought no one would ever love me. I wanted to die each and every day for years. I just hung on. I did not want my son to grow up without a father and to have the shame of a father who killed himself.

Today, I'm glad I did not kill myself. I had troubles for a while, but eventually things worked out. I've learned to cope with life quite nicely. On my web site I have a book and articles about what I have learned in my struggles. Everything is free. I get help by trying to help others.

Maybe you can start making friends by making friends with us on the forum. Many of us have felt just as you do.
Jim S

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time of things. Like Jim suggested, maybe you can form some friendships on-line here. I've had the pleasure of getting to know several of the people that post at this site.

I think we've all been to the point where living hurts more...at least we think so ....than dying would hurt. The problem with ending your life is that you get no second chances....death is so final. And tose I have known who have taken their lives have never come back and let me know they regretted it.

So please...take a few risks and live Make some friends here at this site if nothing in your 3D world seems to work for you.

Wishing you well...

Sweetngentle

Friends, hmm? I don't know... I don't want to disappoint anyone, honestly. I've just recently experienced a psychological breakdown and I don't know who I am. The two sides of my persona clashed so violently that now I feel numb, indifferent. There is a small voice inside crying in fear that I might stay this way as defense against the destructive power of emotions in general...

I don't know what to do from this point on...

I can identify with you Dr. About 2 yrs ago I experienced a breakdown and with having DID I went into a real tailspin. That's what brought me to this site. Here is where I found some acceptance and compassion. Everyone in my 3D life didn't know what to do around me...so they were very uncomfortable around me....and I could feel it.

After reading books, other's success stories and exchanging many many e-mails and with the help of God I was able to make a full recovery. Today my life is not only manageable but I actually look forward to a day! Which in my life is a new thing.

I have 4 kids and 2 of them have schizophrenia and are mentally handicapped. That kept me busy when they were kids and in their teens. Today my youngest is 19 and mmy oldest is 32. Things now are manageable. I didn't thik I would ever arrive at this point....unti I began believing that I could have a better rest of my life. I'm sure that the latter half will be better than my first half

Take Care,
Sweetngentle

You said:

There is a small voice inside crying in fear that I might stay this way as defense against the destructive power of emotions in general...

This might be quite an insight. You may want to slowly explore the emotions you may be hiding, covering up, or are ashamed of. The best way is with a professional person. I am able to explore my dark side by writing in a journal and talking to friends. I have many friends who think like me--they understand my crazyness and love me anyhow. You may want to share some of your painful thoughts here. We have heard just about everything.
Good Luck,
Jim S

Hello,
I'm 29 old girl; and now suffering from withdrawal + starting symptoms so bad, that my shrink told me this morning to quit the Triptilyne and try Fevarine tomorrow. Before this I've had Anafranil, Efexor and Seroxat. At the moment I'm a wreck, totally instable. I don't know if I can set my hopes on the new Fevarine.

You said the communication with your psychiatrist is not satisfying,
ever thought of asking for a second opinion, or is this impossible in Manhattan? Í mean with the insurance or something? Before this I had a first class pancake for a psychiatrist. He advised me to travel to an Ashram. When I asked what that was, he revealed it's a Buddhist or Hippie commune in rural India. When I asked what he wanted me to do there, I'm not f**#ing Brad Pitt Seven Years In Tibet, he wasn't sure and began to tell me the lines of a poem about going on a religious journey by foot.
After he finally made me combust into anger_ believe me, it took him some effort-- he said he didn't know what to do either and he would talk it over in a meeting!!
I asked for another psy. and have no problems with this one.

Paulienl

Get rid of the old gent first of all. Start shopping around. As for telling someone depressed to go out and make friends, it is like telling a new born baby to go out and build a house or something. I have been told that the answer lies in me "making friends" but what are the friends going to do for me?

DrManhattan wrote:...What am I supposed to do when he tells me to go out and make friends for the 4 billionth time this year???

Try to temporarily forget about the big goal of making friends and break it down into the smallest component part that you feel that you can easily handle. For example, just say hello to someone. Or just reply to someone's question or comment. The important point is to keep it small and easy, without the thought of making friends and the unwelcome pressure that brings. If you do enough of the little things (baby steps), then you will find that one day you will realize that you have made a friend(s).

Speaking of baby steps, think about this for a second: How does a baby learn to walk? The baby doesn't set out to walk because the baby cannot grasp the concept of walking. When a parent says the word "walk", the baby's mind doesn't conjure up images of repeatedly putting one foot in front of the other without falling down. The baby first wants something (e.g. a parent, a grandparent, a sibling, a toy, an object). Then the baby's subconscious brain figures out a way to get him to the object. First, by rolling, then by crawling, then by stumbling & falling, and ultimately by walking and running. So, you see, the baby reaches the end goal (rather the parents' and grandparents' goal), walking, without ever focusing on the end goal.