Poll: How many times a day do you put a gun in your mouth.

I contribute absolutely nothing to the world and every single person who knows about me on more than a surface lvl seems to come to the conclusion that I am not worthy of living (I most definitely do not feel like I deserve to live in such a rich country in such relative comfort). People are naturally anti-death and anti-suicide, but I can't generate any sort of meaning or purpose in anything I do. Should I sue the drug manufacturers for turning me into a junkie all these years of my life? I think I would have killed myself a lot sooner if I had not been on drugs, and that may have been the best thing. I feel like I have about as much worth as an animal (except an animal provides comfort to people as a pet, acts as a source of food, and provides labor)

Who ever said I'm anti-suicide? If I had the balls, I'd have done it a long time ago. Plus, if I could push a button that would destroy everyone including myself, I'd push the damn thing.

One thign yuo should think about is this though: Do you genuinely want to end your existence?; or do you just want to be living a different life?

When i say drugs I mean prescribed antidepressents, not street drugs.

I wish I had died in Iraq . I could have easily died a couple times; one time if the guy who shot an RPG at my truck didn't aim like he was drunk. Why the hell didn't he learned to aim before he decided to attack our convoy; why didn't he do me a ######6 favor by being able to accomplish this simple task; It's night time and we're driving around in these unarmored humvees, at 10mph, through every nook and cranny of Tikrit - in which there are 100s of scenarios in which a somewhat well coordinated team could have wiped us all out.

I worked regularly before the army; maybe I should file PTSD claim against the army. although I heard it is hard to prove (they didn't even put me as having served in Iraq on my DD214; something I informed the County Veteran Service Officer about, but which is going to take forever to get fixed; that is if the mistake even gets fixed.)

I wasn't on the medication before the army; I would never have become addicted to medication and would have continued working and such (I had anxiety at some of my jobs; but it wasn't so bad and it seemed like I was adapting at a comfortable pace; I wasn't getting any help from the medical community at least). I guess, for me anyways, joining the army was like trying to learn to swim by jumping into the Ocean.

Well you are right, it is pretty difficult to kill your self even when you have a loaded gun in your hands 24 hours a day; even when everything inside of you says you want to die, you still want to live; your unconscience mind wants to live on some level. You know that and I know that I see. Doing it in a drug induced state works for a lot of people? Maybe it's about realizing that you ARE going to die whether it's sooner or later; but do you want to go as a 60 year old living on the street, or do you want to go out in a gigantic spectacle and embarass a lot of people.

Your downfall is the fact that you think too much, in specific reference to your lack of ability to kill yourself. Apparently, many suicides are done in the spur of the moment, without planning extensively. Even the mere act of planning forces you to think about thigns and maybe be what prevents you from doing it. What you're doing here is talking about it too... ...you say that you want to die but the act of coming here is therapeutic in itself.

From what I gather too, the service you guys provide/provided for your country doesn't seem to be respected when you go back home. To defend one's own country outside of your own borders to then be treated like $#%^ back home is not right.

Kevin

I can't seem to get any thinking of a more productive nature going.

I think I have severe concentration and focus issues because of the anxiety, and resulting problems of panic from the bodily sensations, uncontrollable thoughts that's most likely (I thought for a while that i had aspergers; never really figured out whether I did or not, and the psychiatrist only said he thought I had schizoid after I mentioned it, so who knows what he's holding back); I don't know why I keep taking a shot at college because the same thing keeps happening again and again. Let me guess, go back to medication, right? I also can't seem to study for 5 seconds without looking at the computer or a non-productive/distracting/un-focused thought entering my head. I am absolutely getting annihilated in calculus (I skipped a quiz which is 1/30 of my grade, I would have gotten like a 10% on it if I had actually taken it; and I just figured it wasn't worth it to go through the huge mess of anxiety i'd get if I went to class. I don't know if he'll let me make it up in sympathy toward me not being able to see the first 8 class periods, BUT of course that doesn't matter but that's really wishful thinking; which seems to be what I keep end up doing. What I think i'm going to do is go for tutoring whenever possible for the rest of the semester, if that doesn't work than I have to drop the class.

I felt real prepped for this semester and just ran into a brick wall with the anxiety around people; just as if I had been back in highschool. I had been isolating myself for a while now and didn't think about how bad the anxiety would get around people; i'm sure any idiot will tell you that that's going to make it worse. I haven't felt this much anxiety around people since I was in highschool/basic training, it's nuts; and it's turning into paranoia - like I see looks of hostility from everybody around me and I feel like I need to have a gun on me at all times.

My only support system, my parents, are constantly high on drugs. My dad seems to be sick one week out of every month.

I am going to blow my brains out right in the middle of lecture in the upcoming week.

Saying things like that will only get your details reported to the authorities, Steve234. I'm locking this thread now. Please send me a private message to clarify your intentions.

Kevin