phychiatric hospital?

Okay so you do indeed come across as calm in your previous messages, but you have to understand my concern for you. plus, I weighed-up the prospect of going into a psychiatric hospital for a long time before I actually went it, just like you seem to be doing now. Can you assure me right now that you can get through the academnic year and pass your subjects? IOf there is hesitation or doubt in your mind about this, then maybe you really should just open up to your parents and accept that you need help from others.

You're probably regretting having ever told me... ...but you must understand that I do care.

Kevin

I could care less about having told you. You have no idea who I am. and like I said, I asked the guy about referring me and he said no. so I'm done. One of these days I'll crack further, and maybe then I'll try again, but for now, I was rejected, deemed not a risk, and I'm not going to fight with psychiatrists. Every time I try to do something this happens, people don't believe me because I'm not foaming at the mouth. so ###$ them. It was hard enough to ask about something like this, and to have the guy not believe me, tell me that I'm fine and I don't need any inpatient treatment. I think he's wrong. I'm not at a breaking point yet, but I'm headed there, and I can't promise you anything because I don't know what's going to happen to me now.

For me to ask to be hospitalized was a huge deal considering how much i hate mental health care workers, and I wouldn't have asked if I didn't think there was something seriously wrong. but you know I'm just never going to come off as someone about to kill themselves, even if I were, and once I reach the point wear I would, it's not going to matter anymore, because once I overcome my fear of hurting people, I'm not gonna ask for help, I'm just gonna do it, and that's just the cold hard truth. and I'm a good enough liar to pull it off. If things go as planned I'll wait till my parents kick the bucket and then find a nice tall building to jump from. I somehow doubt I'm gonna last that long, but to hell with everyone else. I know what I want, and this isn't it.

as for coming clean to my parents. That isn't going to happen. I'm not some high schooler. I have my own life and my own problems, and neither is any of their god damned business. I would never put my life in the hands of my parents because I don't trust them to do what's best for me. I'm not saying they wouldn't try, but they would inevitably fail. I don't think you understand what it's like to not be close to your family. I love them because we shared a lot of time, but I don't pretend to have more faith in them than I really do. I don't pretend to want them to be a huge part of my life. I was willing though, to put my life in the hands of a psychiatric hospital, but apparently I don't belong there, so now I'm back to wear I've always been, and either it will all work out or it wont.

I am thinking about moving back home though, but not to be around my parents as you might assume. I want to get away from the people here, because if the docs out there don't want to help me on my terms, then I'm not going to let them, and the only way to make this tolerable is to get away from all these people, and all the anxiety that they cause. and to get away from alcohol, because it's horrible for me in this state. and I don't give a $#%^ if I'm hiding from my problems, avoiding situations that provoke anxiety and what not, because this is the only way I know how to get anything done that doesn't require relying on the judgments of others, which in the past, have ALWAYS ALWAYS been wrong. No-one has ever realized how ###$ up I am, and so as far as I'm concerned they are incompetent.

and I know full well that I need help, what the hell do you think I've been trying to do? I tried and failed to convince people that I have a serious problem. and back to opening up to my parents, it just doesn't work that way for me. It would be like telling a stranger personal things about years of my life and then having to live with them, and having them look at you like your not the person they thought they knew, because I'm not the person they think I am, and I haven't been for year's, and I'm not ######6 going to ruin that. They will always love me, I know that, but that means nothing in the long run. All that matters is perception.

This is how my life goes, I just lie my way through it, and that's the way I'm going to keep doing it, because without lies I have nothing. I want to die so badly. I have no desire whatsoever to live, and it's been like that for about 4 years, and nothing is going to change that, ever, so there's no god damned point in me talking about it anyway. Do you know how many times I've ######6 tried that in my life, 2 many to count. I even tried opening up to my parents when I was younger, and you know what, they didn't believe me. They don't need to know specifics, all they have to do is trust my judgment, and it seems they do, and if I try to explain any of it, It will come off all cliche like it always does, and they will tell me what I was already told earlier today, that I don't have any real problems.

I'm just going to replace my sadness with as much anger as possible, anger toward all the psychiatrists who couldn't help me, who wouldn't listen before jumping to conclusions, because I am not an idiot. I am a competent young person who understands that there is no reason to live beyond survival, who understand how ###$ up this world is, who understands how stupid our relationships are, how need based, and interchangeable, and contrived, and driven by internal mechanisms they are. No one deserved to live, we are hateful mother #####&, no matter how much we try to hide it, we are animals whose violent natures remain dormant while we are comfortable, but when made uncomfortable we strike with deadly force, with no compassion. It's pathetic really that we like to pretend otherwise.

So thank you for attempting to assist, but I don't start to melt just because someone expresses concern or validates my feelings. because it just means I am being humored or lied to to some degree.

You sound particularly unstable. I don't understand how the psychiatrist couldn't see this. Perhaps you should print out your posts and take them with you to a psychiatric ward, and ###$ what the pdoc said, because you need help.

I didn't bother to reply yesterday because there was no point. You were clearly angry at me, but that's fine. I find it welcoming that excl2398 has replied though. Perhaops you'll listen to him/her. However, if I've lost your respect, that's fine - don't listen to me anymore.

Kevin

I hope the OP listens to me, Kevin. He or she sounds very, very unstable.

No doubt he/she is still here reading the messages. It might take more people to reply, however, for him/her to realise finally that he/she is most likely making the same mistakes now as he/she has done before - i.e. coming close to getting the right help but then dismissing it and thinking he/she can go it alone once more. I understand this, because I did the same all those years ago.

Kevin

actually, I didn't read the responses until just now.
but honestly Kevin, there's no need to sulk. I wasn't mad at anyone in particular, just pissed off in general. Happens quite frequently really. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings or w/e though; people who know me for a long enough period of time get use to taking a little abuse every now and then.
and yes, I would have to agree. I am unstable, but the fact that shrinks fail to recognize it, makes me want to get help from them less and less. but I'll bet you two I'm more stable than you think I am.
and I don't have any delusions about being able to handle this on my own. that time has passed. I know full well that if I don't work up the guts to try to be admitted again, this won't end well.
by the way, thanks for discussing me amongst yourselves, didn't make me uncomfortable at all. whatever though, I know you're only trying to help kevin, and even if you can't tell, or don't believe me, I really do appreciate it, and I'm glad that you care, but as you've probably noticed I resist outside help. I know that it's a little silly, but I've been ###$ over so many times, and it's not that easy to get over the past.

You did not hurt my feelings. Having been here for 5 years has rendered me 'emotionless' most of the time when I log-in here. I know too well that I am facing a brick wall with you though (...joke), and that offering advice to you might not prove beneficial to you at this point. i know that you are going to make your own way through this. Advice you take in might not be used by you, but I know that you appreciate people trying to help you anyway.

Good luck my friend,
Kevin