Depression I think.

Damn... That must have been the calm before the storm. I cried. I used to cry over her while travelling to college a month ago the last time she cut me off, but today I cried looking at myself in the mirror, asking God why this is happening to me.

I hate that my parents are worried about me because of this. My sister knows, not entirely, but she isn't stupid. She obviously knows I love that girl.

I haven't cried that much in years. I didn't care that I'm nearing 23 years of age. I just needed to get it all out. I'm not sure that it's all out though. $#%^... I have an exam tomorrow and here I am feeling this way. Just when I thought I was getting better.... When I thought I was on my way to healing...

This isn't fair!

vinay87, I should have mentioned that you should expect these set-backs every now and then. There will be false 'dawns' of feeling good/positive, and then you'll revert back a step and start crying. These things happen, but you have to stop and look at how much you've come every now and then. I can easily see now that you've come a long way since you first posted. What's happening is that you're learning about life and are becoming ever more wiser. When you get through all of this, do you expect a girl like her to ever ###$ you around again? - No, most certainly not. You are strong now.

I spent a lot of time wondering one thing that I haven't wondered in a long time. Did I really love her?
I keep a diary. I don't write everyday, but I fill in entries for pivotal points in the year. This eyar, I've written about 25 entries which is a lot for me. I have been keeping a diary since 2000, even if it is only for a handful of entries.

The point of this being, every time I started writing about her, it slowly went along these lines. "I have to get over her. This will never work. I have to stop talking to her."

That is what I have written on average in every alternate diary entry this year. It's like I've known all along that this was going to happen. I sort of wish I was the one to successfully cut her off and not the other way around. Here I am wondering if I should send her an email thanking her for everything and saying goodbye in a proper way. I'm holding back because I don't believe that I am at fault. She has always been so selfish, taking me for granted as she has. Yet I want to crawl back to her. Even if she can make me depressed when I should be on top of the world.

Ironically, that's the excuse she's giving me. That I can drain away her happiness. Heck... I wonder if it's like this for her. It can't possibly be. She'd have killed herself, being as weak as I have finally understood her to be.

What scares me is the fact that I might have just been addicted to her as a person. I want to share my day with her. Just relate the events. Even though there's nothing productive coming from it, that's the thing I miss the most. There were days when we "chatted" for hours on end and most of what I said was just "oh lol." And to make matters worse, I can't multitask to save my life. So I just stared at the screen waiting for her reply.

Here I'm hoping that it is love. Because if love isn't an addiction, then what is? I'm a poet, first and foremost and I know fully well that a large part of love comes from letting go. Yet... am/was I just merely infatuated?

Then I want to refuse that I have never felt love.

It's been almost a month since she spoke to me now... and the pain's getting worse... I hardly smile nowadays and more often than not I wake up almost ready to cry....
Why? Why did I let her become so important to me....

I mailed her.... asking her to speak to me again... I know I shouldn't have.... but I even want to mail her again, even though for all I know she's probably marked me as spam....

I miss speaking to her.... She used to be there for me 24x7 and now... None of my other friends are like that.... I wasn't like this 3 years ago... I didn't need constant companionship then....

It actually pains my chest whenever I cry because I miss her. I hate this feeling of sadness... but Ican never grow angry at her.... I tell myself it's all my fault... And I have exams going on now.... I can't afford to be like this.

I want to hate her for it all, but dear god I can't. I _love_ her.... more than anything else in this world. I'm even letting go of my dreams.... because they were all for her.... all to impress her enough so that she would love me back.... Everything I do reminds me of her.

And dammit, I sometimes wonder if she was even real.... maybe I'm a Schizo... And you know what's scary? If she was even just an imaginary person... I want her to come back....

She would have said I'm just putting my family through unneccesary $#%^ being like this. I used to think it was wise, but what the ##@# does she know? Sure she has been through this like I said, but it can't have hurt her this much... she admitted that she never cried when the guy she liked cut her off....

All I tell myself is that she _is_ THE ONE. And that I can never forgive myself for letting her go. I have never been so sure of anything else in my life....
That she is the one.... Why does this hurt so much? I just woke up 20 minutes ago and I'm almost in tears.....

I cry suddenly... just like that. To me, it's slowly not starting to matter whether I accomplish anything in life. Because everything I wanted to do... I see her next to me. In anything that I accomplish....

I bloody love her.... and even though she used to say I was a really good friend, she can't even stomach me anymore?!

I am back. Confused more than sad I think.

I've been chatting with this girl for about 5 hours a day for over two years now. And just recently have I come to realise that I am mostly bored.

This coming from me is a shocking thing, you must understand. I make the bold claim of never being bored as long as I am at home, in my room with a live internet connection and my books. The truth is, chatting with her has taken precedence over everything, over books, studies, over writing and pretty much everything else. There is little else to me.

I am getting back to reading now. And this time, I'm going to take it slow. I used to read 120 pages an hour two years ago but now I'll settle for 30. I have amassed a few dozen books over these two years and I have read merely a handful of them. And I should get back to writing as well. A bold statement, seeing as I believe she is the impetus for most of my writing. Which is why I'm putting off submitting my manuscript till I make some drastic changes in the book so that it is completely free of her influence.

So here I am, nearly forty days after speaking to her, feeling confused more than sad. I admit I still miss her, but I no longer cry over it. I just wonder, as I would wonder why people have to die.

But the wondering hurts no less.