I don't want to die but I don't want to live

You're sure not alone. Until 3 months ago I'd never had even a fleeting suicidal though
in my life - however, since that time it's been a 24/7 nightmare having reacted to a medication
causing a possible neurological issue that has not been corrected.

The reaction has been awful, with dreadful and persistent psychological symptoms. Suffice to say
I'm hoping this will resolve. I completely understand and sympathise with anyone, whatever the cause, situational or chemical to the battle we face on a daily basis - caught somewhere between
desperately wanting the suffering to end/being cured (I mean of course we do) but not wanting to die in the hope that we will 'get better'.

I'm pretty shocked to find myself in this situation with, at this point, seemingly no way out Im literally
bumping through the days in the hope this will get better. This time last year I was happily celebrating the beginning of summer with lots to look forward. This year, it's a battle for survival clock watching through the days.

One thing I've learnt, and you are veterans but it's that mental illness is pretty much invisible. No one can see the pain and suffering. Hold on to close friends and family and make them understand as best you can cos we all need the people we love, close to us to get through it! With attention seeking, I think when we reach a certain point that's only natural - it truly is a cry for help. I'm doing it myself, I want someone to get rid of this!! We need love and attention and understaning, someone that can help share and take away the pain even if it is only for a little while.

If only we had broken legs. If anyone needs to talk Im here!! Promise. And if i'm cured soon always will be here for others.....

You are not the only one, i feel exactly the same. Emotionally numb to everything. After some research i found out that a suicide happens every 17 minutes. That made it not special at all for me.
So i found out that i want to be special. The most common feeling every human has from day 1.

Not finding myself special made me angry, not caring about myself at all. Im resisting any effort to do something about it and that makes me angry again. All the anger makes me tired and depressed.

So the numb feeling is actually a lie, because i feel angry,tired,depressed and not special.

I bumped my knee the other day, you know when you feel pain but you have to laugh about it. I felt so angry about me laughing afterwards. I just do not permit myself to be happy.

I thought a long time about this and it actually comes back to self-worth. I do not permit myself to be happy because i think im not worth it. So i need to increase my self-worth, but i dont know how yet.

Let me know what you think of it.

i know how you feel. No one wants to talk about my pain and I always get snapped at for making them unhappy. I've tried many things to lash out, drugs drink boys cutting myself. I just seem to make them madder. In all honesty I can tell you now you're NOT an attention seeking bitch, you're in pain and need help, love, comfort and patience. If you want to talk to some one, try councilling, if that's uncomfortable for you try writing it down, singing, (in my opinion don't just talk to yourself and walls, it just makes you sadder). I hope you feel better soon