Opening my eyes

Here I am a lonely 26 year old stay at home momma. I have absolutely no social skills. My husband has some friends that come over and I just feel uncomfortable the whole time. I try not to say much but they try to include me by making eye contact with me when they speak. There are things I want to say to join in the conversation but I feel they will judge me and deem me stupid. I will finally work up the courage to say something then they look at me and then just continue as if I said nothing. This is how I feel most of my conversations go. With just about everyone except one sister, and my brother in law.

When I am in an actual conversation that I feel strongly about, emotional to me, confrontational or me talking about myself I get these shakes I cannot control going over my whole body and are visible to others. They don't happen to often in front of other people because I am not around people that often, but my husband sees it quite often.

I am supposed to feel young but I feel so old and empty inside. I feel like I put to much on my husband to be the sole person I converse with. I get angry at him for not talking to me but yet I do not really have anything to say to him either. I want friends and a social life yet fear having them. I feel like I will not measure up to other people standards. I fear judgment, people not liking me, saying something stupid, making no sense, people running back and telling everyone everything I just said, not having anything to say, offending someone. I read many forums but have not joined on any of the topics for the same fears, and these people will never even really know me!

I get this wild urge to act crazy, this feeling deep down just to let out this piece of wild side hiding within and what do I do, I keep it there. Fear to let myself go, fear of being myself. I used to be fun, crazy, humorous and satisfied. What ever happened to her? Why is she hiding? When will she come back?

I feel like I'm crazy or driving myself there. I want to change myself and for some crazy reason I believe I can. I just don't know how. Is it really even possible? Possible for me? Is this just who I am? I don't want it to be. I feel like there is more to me but clueless as how to find it. I find myself boring, lonely and empty and I hope I deserve more than this in my life. Why does it mean so much what other people think if it is holding me back in life and causing me to be in misery? Do these people's opinion mean more to me than my own happiness? Apparently. Why can't I care about myself more than that? I am just as important, aren't I? I want to be free, free to be myself, free to do what I want, free of fear, free from negativity. I just want a little bit of freedom with no strings attached. I'm tried of feeling bound and I'm ready to find the freedom I'm missing in my life.

I don't really know what I need here maybe just some understanding and someone to listen.

I actually started to feel older when I was 26 too, even though 26 isn't old and I've been told by others that the best times were the 30s-40s.

Do you think you have anxiety too? That can cause fear rather than just feeling it is pointless to try (from depression).

How long have you felt this way? Did you previously have more friends that you could easily talk with?

I have felt depressed for a long time though never diagnosed. I remember as early as elementary school having depressed thoughts like I wasn't good enough.

All my life I never really seemed to enjoy much but I seemed to push through and make the most of it. I always felt out of place and like no one really truly cares for me. Growing up I had a few friends, we hung out and done the teenage stuff and I never went outside my circle of friends.

I always was the one to pick on. Neighborhood kids used to all hang out together, including me, playing kickball, biking and such. They weren't necessary friends per se but we all hung out and I would be the lard ass in the group. That was my nick name by the same people who I grew up with and played with. They'd have there fun, I'd say a few choice words and chase them down to put a little fear in them and then we'd go back to play. But I have never let any of those words leave my head.

As I got older it just seems that things have just continue to add on top of everything and make me feel miserable. I believe I have dysthymia because I just don't get any enjoyment out of anything. I'm always in a depressed mood even when I'm at my natural state (calm, nothing going on). I hardly ever show happiness when I do it can easily be ruined by some minuscule thing.

I don't know much about anxiety but I guess over the last few years it seems it has added itself into my list of problems. I never had any kind of anxiety or panic attack, though I do feel like social anxiety could be a problem due to depression and the way I feel of myself.

I believe if I could just make myself happy everything else would just go away. Seems it could work that way. If I was only happy what would I have to fear about then. If I was happy with myself why would I care what people thought, if I was happy what would stop me from chasing simple and unrealistic dreams, if I was happy I would like people and they would like me, if I was happy who could bring me down. If I was happy life would be fun and free. And it goes on and on. If I could only be happy it seems it would fix everything.

Everything I fear about how other people sees me that's how I feel about myself. That is how I view myself so why wouldn't other people see it too.

I know it is easy to feel like people feel the same about you as you do, or that you aren't good enough, but in reality you have a husband (which shows that you are good enough, and attractive, not what the kids thought of you).
I also do suffer from depression (off/on, long-term, sometimes major) and I have had a lot of those feelings, and I did get bullied quite a bit, so I understand the annoyance of its persistence. I do get what your saying about the anxiety being a side effect also, I think my anxiety/depression gets worse due to my other disorders/illness.

Have you ever talked to a professional or taken medications?