I have a serious problem

Hi, quick story to give you insight into where my problems came from. I was back in highschool and I was with some friends and I took some ecstasy, I ended up having a horrible trip and for some reason conffessed to my friends that I was homosexual. I was so terrified they were going to kill me (im not really a homosexual I just needed a reason to explain why I was tripping out so thats why my mind came up with at the time, I was very out of it) they seemed to hate me after I said that. I thought they were going to kill me. I drove home but ended up walking into a strangers house in another town and had a 3 hour horrible trip at this random persons house. I finally snapped out of it and went home. I goto school the next monday day and I'm in gym class and all of a sudden I feel this dark wave of fear fall upon me, the same kind of fear I had when I took the mdma. I felt as if everything grew darker around me literally. I now had an intense fear of people. I avoided everyone around me. My best friends would come up to talk to me and I couldnt talk to them. Even just friends I hardly knew would talk to me but I couldnt even behave around them normally because I was so afraid. My weird behavoir began to take over my life, I started to loose friends, people started to not talk to me anymore, I avoided people. I used to have full blown panic attack where my heart was racing at a million miles per hour for years just sitting in a quiet classroom with people. Everyone noticed it too. I have friends now that joke about my extreme paranoia. Its pretty funny to joke about. I don't have the paranoia anymore but I have many issues now. Ive found that on a day to day basis I dwell on my negative problems. My negative problems mainly consist of, my lack of happiness on a day to day basis, how I can't talk to people, I constantly obsess about how to have a normal social interaction with people. I've become really uptight, I've managed to somehow get a girlfriend whose 24, im 23, and we've been together for half a year now. One night she told me she thinks I have some kind of problem and that I need to go see a psychologist. She wasnt being mean about it, she was trying to help me. But ive found that when I talk to her, I can't start conversations. I try but about 85% of the stuff I talk about is meaningless. I can't ever find anything to talk about and hold a long conversation. Its become the biggest challenge in my life to maintain a stimulating interesting converstation. And ive found that the more depressed I feel the harder it is. Its exponetially harder to deal with life this way. Even at work, I dont usually talk much either. I feel deep inside that I've lost touch with a part of myself that contributed to MUCH of the happiness that used to be in my life. I have made it a long way since then. I can go out to bars and drink with friends now and make new friends. But i really dont make emotional connections with people or have real feelings anymore. Rarely do I feel anything on the inside. Mostly its just nothingness. I dont get bellylaughs anymore. I have to force most of my laughs now a days. Ive become pretty good at laughing forced laughs but still, I've gone probably months before i've had one of those deep happy laughs that leave you feeling really good inside. I've found that yoga and meditation really help me. but does anyone know what I can do? My realtionships are suffereing and I am suffering horribly. please help

Hi KeepinMyHeadUp,

You sound so lost dude, but I think that many people are lost at your age. When I was your age, I was still only learning about myself too but I feel that now (at 26) I am almost there. However, what made me realise who I am was managing to find a psychological diagnosis that described me. The diagnosis was Asperger's Syndrome. So, maybe your girlfriend is right, in that you should go to see a psychologist. I mean, if these things are making you depressed, then you should go. Actually, you should go to your local doctor at first, because he/she will then be able to refer you to someone suited to your needs.

Kevin

judging by what happened i'd say the E was meth based, not heroin based. i've never done e but i know not to mess with the meth based stuff at all. i'm not messing with e period.

i occasionally feel socially awkward, but not to your extreme. sometimes i feel at a loss of words around people, especially people i might be attracted to. i don't know, i wouldn't recommend drinking much, but a little alcohol seems to open me up.

all i can say is stop worrying about finding yourself. say what's on your mind and talk about what you find interesting, if someone doesn't like what you say then don't worry about them and talk to someone else.

Hey I'm 32 and still working out who the bloody hell I am. But I will agree with Chucky.....I have gotten better since having a diagnosis just over a year ago. Still working on it with the right type of meds and being open to all my friends family and workmates. Lucky for me they aren't uncomfortable taking with me about it all. Most of them were there when I had my breakdown so they saw first hand the horror. Not that they understand though. Bless their little cotton socks! Anyway I babble so I'll shut up. Oh, my diagnosis is Bipolar II with anxiety disorder. Go and get help. They are called professionals for a reason. Good luck!

Oh, and just to let you know. Even if you were gay, that would be ok too. Not saying you are, just wanted to saythat if you were ....blah, blah blah. You get what I mean don't you!

I think you are a closet-homosexual, or someone with homosexual thoughts or tendencies, that is ashamed of who he is. I think the speed disinhibited you, and led to your "without thinking" response. In other words, the defense mechanisms you use when you are in a normal state of mind to hide your true self became fractured and you unconsciously exposed yourself. The fact is, if you were not a homosexual or did not appear to be one by others, even a little, you would not worry about saying something "stupid" and "jokingly" in a jovial situation. The subsequent problems you are experiencing are not because of the mdma necessarily, but rather because of the realization that if you expose your true self, social isolation will ensue. So you are stuck in limbo. Your cloak is gone (so you think), and you feel naked and exposed ("everyone must know, though they are not bringing it up") and are having paranoid delusions. But they don't know, and you still feel that you have some fragments of your old cloak. Essentially, you are unable to choose who to be, for your understanding of your environment is shattered and you have no yardstick in which to determine what public persona is best: the cloak or the real you.

This is my professional opinion.

BetterThanYou wrote:This is my professional opinion.

...and which profession would that be?

BetterThanYou wrote: think you are a closet-homosexual, or someone with homosexual thoughts or tendencies...
This is my professional opinion.

Since you are stating a professional opinion, I ask you to please state the credentials that render you capable of giving a professional opinion. You have used this phrase in several posts recently, and since you are only 19 years old, I cannot see that you are any further along than your freshman or sophomore year in college... hardly a professional.

But, I could be wrong so please... state the college that granted you the degree and the licensure that establishes your ability to render your professional opinion here.

betterthanyou is not a professional, so please ignore his posts, they aren't very helpful to you.

I think if you do feel this way you should talk to someone....