Questioning if this is depression

First off sorry about the length of this. All the docs I've been too say I have depression. I'm not in denial of that. I'm questioning whether there is another more serious condition developing or if depression is just a symptom of another problem. I show all the symptoms of depression. I sleep 12+ hours a day, I have almost totally withdrawn from society, I'm probably going to get fired from my job. I have totally walled off my emotions, so life actually feels like a movie, I can't go to college because of the state I'm in. I do absolutely nothing all day. One of the things that has me most concerned is my cognition. I sometimes can't remember what I was thinking of 5 seconds ago. My memory is at an all time low, and I was just wondering how bad depression can really affect your memory. I see no point in reading, because I can't really learn new things.

Here's some reasons I'm questioning depression. I literally can't socialize anymore. It's like I've all of a sudden forgotten how to be social. To other people, I come off mentally retarded. I know I'm not, because I've always been pretty intelligent. This isn't a delusional thought, people think and talk to me like I'm retarded, and I don't blame them. I see myself relating better to kids who I've always known to be of lower intellect. I can't put thoughts and memories into a articulate form of speech. This is one of my biggest problems. I question how much depression can affect your cognition. My biggest thing is that I feel like I've actually lost control of my mind. Thoughts aren't vivid and my mind doesn't feel like it's in my control. Crazy, pointless crap is always running through my mind. Stuff that doesn't even make sense or have anything to do with anything. Kind of like random parts of my unconscious suddenly become conscious. I hate this because I can't actually focus on anything I want to focus on. I feel like I'm not in control of my mind and that I'm slipping into madness or craziness. I spend all my time trying to find something online that relates to what I'm going through. Sometimes I think things are directly related to me or something said on tv is related to what I'm thinking. I know for a fact that these thoughts are absurd. I am aware that is absurd to think. Can this maybe be psychotic depression? I fear becoming schizophrenic, I don't hear external voices or have crazy delusions, simply because I still have a small sense of reality left. I'm just waiting for the day to start hearing voices and become full blown schizo so I can just get help and be diagnosed. Maybe my crazy uncontrollable conscience can be considered internal voices. I feel like I lack full insight on how much this is affecting me socially and just in general. I'm mostly not conscious that it's abnormal to feel how I do. I gained insight when I smoked weed. It straightened out my thought processes a little, and I thought to myself, WOW, there's no way I haven't gone crazy or am becoming crazy. I don't know, but I feel damn retarded, like if I was born in the state I am now, I literally would be in special ed classes all my life. I want my life BACK! I feel like I'm missing something that everyone else has, and I feel really weird and abnormal. Also, can depression cause you to not be really self-aware of how bad it has really affected your life. sorry this was so long

Hey,

Thanks for posting here because it sounds like you are in a rather difficult situation right now; and one that needs to be addressed ASAP. Firstly - yeh - it sounds like there is something bigger than depression underneath the surface. Depression can be a useless diagnosis sometimes, especially when there is no apparent cause to the depression in the first place. Just one question before I go on: Did you change your eating habits recently?; or do you take drugs?

Anyway, I don't think that it's Psychotic Depression. rather, I think that you will be able to relate to something called Asperger's Syndrome. Whether you actually have it or not is another question, but I certainly feel that you will be able to relate to it. take a look here: http://psychforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=27745

Take care,
Kevin