important -- friend needs help but won't accept it

I'm in college. I have a problem -- I have two friends who happen to be roommates: "Emily" and "Kait". They've been best friends since elementary school, and I rarely saw one without the other until recently. Now, Kait is so depressed that it's affecting Emily, and she's turned to me to help her. I've suffered through depression, so I know the signs. What I've written here is a combination of what I've witnessed and what Emily has told me.

Kait is currently in a long-distance relationship with her boyfriend Jeremy. He refused to go to the college that she went to, and vice versa. He wants to go to the naval academy. It was bad between semesters, because they could only see each other on weekends and Kait was all lonely. Now that we're back at school, they only can talk over the phone, and they can't even do that very often because their schedules conflict.

Kait talks obsessively about Jeremy and how much she misses him. She doesn't want to do anything anymore. She mopes around in her room. When Emily and Kait do go out to wherever, Kait is very competitive with Emily; trying to control conversations, fishing for compliments. She's pushing everyone away.

There are more details, but the point is, Emily is a very cheerful person, and she can't be around people like that. Emily has said all of this to Kait, and it's escalated to the point that the two have started fighting, and Emily wants to move out. I'm a lot closer to Emily than Kait, so I've mainly been there for Emily when she needs an escape, but I'm also Kait's friend. She needs help, but won't admit it to herself. Emily has tried encouraging Kait to take advantage of the counseling services that the school offers, but Kait refuses any help of any kind. I've offered to help talk to Kait, but Emily is afraid that if we both talk to her she'll feel intimidated and threatened, or even betrayed because Emily told somebody else about the situation.

Having gone through depression myself, it really hurts me to see Kait depressed, and even more to see it affecting Emily. They haven't told anyone else really, and I honestly think that Emily and I (or somebody else, not necessarily me) should just have an honest, open, friendly, helpful talk with Kait. Emily is reluctant to do so.

Emily is about ready to cut her losses and move out, but Kait needs her support now more than ever. Can anyone help? How can I get Kait to accept help from somebody? If I can't, what should I do?

Hi,

I think the word 'complicated' is apt in describing this particular situation. The underlying notion that you should realise here, however, is that friendships don't last forever, and things like this do happen (and will happen again). In fact, your situation seems to have already reached the point of no return (as Emily is set on moving out).

Anyway, what I think that you should do is to arrange for the three of you to sit down together to have a serious conversaton about what to do with regard to the future. i'm sure that you would like to remain friends with both girls and, so, you must let this be known. However, they may never see eye-to-eye again but that should not be a big problem for you.

Kevin