girls can really mess you up lol

After staring at this blank box for ten minutes I decided to get on with this. I think that the best way to explain myself to you is to tell you the story of my strange life over the past few months.

Right, I've always kinda drifted in and out of a depressive state all my life but recently I thought I conquered it. A few months ago, around the end of the summer I wrote on this forum about every problem that was bothering me at the time here is a link if you're interested:

http://www.psychforums.com/viewtopic.ph ... sc&start=0

Anyway a guy with the user name: chucky (great guy lol) suggested to me that I could have Aspergers syndrome, so I looked into it and now I definitely agree with him. For a time while I was learning about it, the idea that I at least had a reason for being a little different made me feel better, but the more I thought about it, the more I came to realise that it doesn't actually change anything and people will still treat me the same given half a chance. Recently I just feel that I'm back to square 1 again.

During the time I think of as the good period (when I just started college) I managed to make some friends and enjoy myself for a while. I got myself a girlfriend and everything was going great.

But that's where my recent problems have started. My girlfriend always was a little bit strange (she has had a very hard life so far and struggles to trust people, especially men) after the first week, she told me she didn't want to go out any more. She didn't tell me a reason but she said that she still wanted to be friends. Anyway I asked her again why she didn't want to go out any more and she told me that she didn't think that she was good enough for me. I spent the next few days trying to show her that she was and eventually succeeded. I think I wrote about this little kinda, "stage" on the forums somewhere.

She has always been a little bossy or controlling, (to a tolerable level) but the second time we went out she changed completely from a sort of shy and friendly person to a controlling sort of person. She wouldn't ask me out the second time, she asked me to ask her. I did and we went out. If she wanted to talk she would phone me and immediately hang up when I answered meaning that I had to phone her and use my credit.

I don't think that she was using me exactly because I don't think that's in her character(though I don't think I know her at all any more) but I noticed that I was spending allot more money on her than she was on me. After about a week I was taking her out to see a film I know she had been looking forward to for months, when we got on the bus she told me that she didn't have any money so I would have to pay for her as well. Not showing it but reluctantly (after the amount I was already starting to spend on her) I agreed. A little further on down the bus route she asked me what was up (I was thinking about asking her what the hell was the deal with me spending money all the time, in a nice way though) so I said I was thinking about stuff.

A little further on she said she didn't want to go any more and when I asked why she told me she had college work to do (I'm in all her classes and it really wasn't that much work), anyway I accepted it but decided to tell her that I didn't want to spend all my money on buying things for her and instead I wanted to spend it on things we could actually do. Anyway the next thing I know is she just said she didn't think we should go out any more. I tried talking it over with her but she wasn't having any of it.

Since we were in her neighbourhood I asked her what bus I should take to get to my house and we both went home. Well kinda, my bus didn't really go to my house I had to get off and walk quite a distance to get home. I can’t decide if she wanted me to have to do that or not but anyway I got home aright. I phoned her to make sure that she was definitely sure and it wasn't just another attack of the "I'm not good enough for you" thing. Anyway she stayed pretty much silent throughout the entire conversation although she did say she was sure.

From that point on until maybe a week later I felt like I had been hit by the biggest punch ever (figuratively speaking), suddenly I felt empty, depressed and nothing had any meaning or point to it.

After that week (in which I hadn't seen her) I started to feel better and I had definitely got over her (well I did in the first day or so but I just felt worthless).

I've just realised I forgot one major piece of information, I was in a group of three at college. There was me, my girlfriend and another girl, and in our small class that never really mixed with other classes anywhere else so they felt like my only allies.

We weren't allies any more, even though we said we would be friends it was like I was friends with the other girl in our group and so was my girlfriend (I don't want to name her), I wasn't friends with my girlfriend. Basically instead of a friendship triangle with us three at the corners and the sides are friendship links, it was a friendship line with me and my girlfriend at opposite ends and my friend on the middle.

Anyway realising this, I tried and failed to get us talking again (she just completely ignored my existence). It took my friend to get annoyed with her to make her talk to me again.

I thought we were sorted but she was very snappy and moody with me. If I said something which everyone else thought was funny or something she would have thought was hilarious a few weeks ago, I was just told to shut up.

I know girls will hate me saying this so sorry in advance girls, but I thought it was maybe just a combination of her not knowing how to act (because it’s not exactly an everyday thing when you try to be friends with your x boyfriend) and it possibly being her time of the month (sorry if that annoys you girls). Anyway I stuck it out seeing as there was only a week left of college before the Christmas holidays.

God this is long, sorry anyone who actually reads this (and thanks). After Christmas I thought it was all over. The first day back I had a hell of a lot clearer head and actually consciously thought "OK, yeah, I'm ready for anything here"

I can’t believe that I've got to this stage within a week. I thought everything was over ad that we could all just be friends and enjoy college again like we used to, but I was wrong. Her moods just continued to swing from one thing to another. We would be getting on and you might even call it enjoying ourselves and then she would start to go quiet or moody again.

I picked up on this the first day back and over the week (good times turning to bad, reducing in number and length) has caused me to be extremely depressed. She asked me every lesson since Tuesday to miss our English period. I did miss the lessons because I couldn't be bothered with English or the mental stress of being near her. Anyway she seemed happy enough.

As the week progressed I couldn't talk to her and she has stopped talking to me. I regularly get told to shut up and she pointlessly puts me down. At lunch on Thursday she just told me that I'm really weird, I then just agreed with her thinking that she was joking. She then said that I was so weird that I have moved the boundaries for the limit of being weird. I said nothing and my friend just looked at her. Later that day she said I'm an arsehole and she just keeps saying this to me if I ask her why she just says that there are loads of reasons, or that I just am.

She phoned me on Friday asking where I was and if I was coming to English. I said no and didn't go. I then get to college for my other lessons and she tells me with a smile that she has told our teacher that I was just jigging lessons. So there I am thinking I'm doing everyone a favour by missing English and she just stabs me in the back.

I'm aware this is very long so I won’t tell you any more things she says and does but you get the picture.

This has left me this weekend with a new plan for things:
- I will present her with an ultimatum basically saying that unless she treats me with respect then I never ever want to see or talk to her again.
- I'm going to go to my English lessons. I'm not missing out on my education for a stupid backstabbing girl like her.
- And I'm aware of my depressed state (maybe a little worried, I’ll go into it more later) so I'm going to think about what it is I want to get out of this whole mess and what I want to end up with, then act on it even if I don't want to or can’t be bothered to later on.

Anyway this is why I'm worried about myself. Right now I feel I'm worthless even though I know I'm not I just feel like I am. I can’t be asked to do anything, all motivation of any kind has just been sucked right out of me. I don't even want to do the things I like (look at the runescape part in my signature. I'm supposedly trying to get that level in the top left to 99, the highest level which isn't even much work anymore, but somehow I'm just not doing it). I sit and I stare at the walls sighing and daydreaming about how $#%^ life really is and how great it would be if it all just ended. I'm not suicidal in any way, I don't want to give up with it all, but the thought is always there.

You know how some people are just completely sexist against the opposite sex because of things that have happened to them, I think I'm starting to turn slightly like that. Although I know 1 person is definitely not representative of everyone else in any way, I just see everyone else around me so happy and enjoying themselves, especially people with girlfriends and boyfriends and I get jealous. It even makes me a little mad at all girls because I know that if I try again it could all just go wrong like this again and I'd just feel the same. right now I know that it will change but it feels like I'm just not compatible with other people, and all I have is the various rules I have and plans I come up with for my life which don't really include other people any more.

I'm going to stop typing now because this post is long enough, I'm not even sure what I'm asking, you're all probably bored out of your minds if you even got this far and it just sounds like I'm moaning to me. I guess I just want some kind of feedback on myself right now. If I'm an idiot tell me that, if I'm blind and I've been used tell me that. If I'm being silly tell me that. Seriously any reply will make me happy even a bad 1.

I count 2089 words which is allot so sorry for the length. I just want a way out of this mess.

can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. As they say.

And let me just say, Boys can really mess up my state of mind too! haha Or maybe it's just when you get into thinking about 'forever' that things get complicated.

Yeah maybe that was my problem. I just can’t throw myself into anything (not just a relationship) and not try for the absolute best though. It seems wrong to me to get into a relationship with the intention of ending it later on.

Does anyone have any ideas about what the hell she is doing? I realise this may be my Aspergers getting in the way here, but I have absolutely no idea what she is doing, thinking or why.

I think if I knew that then I could decide how I should treat the situation, or if I’m right already then I could have more confidence in my own judgement

Well, just from what you wrote I would say her actions don't seem to coincide with her feelings. Like calling you and hanging up. That means she wants to talk to you but doesnt want to put her self out there as being the person who reached out.

I think giving an ultimatum is a good idea. If she is in your circle of friends you have to deal with her but you should not put up with the 'wierd' comments, especially in front of other peers. If she really has a problem with something you are doing/saying/acting then she can pull you aside. Those comments prob came out of being hurt or maybe confused.

I guess my suggestion is to just get to know her more if you really care about her. Forgive her for the things she said and understand that emotions sometimes interfere with what we really want to do.

If she is worth getting to know, it will happen. You can't treat a new girlfriend like a wife. I am totally with you on the not waisting anyones time if one knows it's going to end. When I started dating my boyfriend four years ago we moved fast too. It's hard not to but it's better when you don't, I think, in retrospect. My point was that you have to live in the moment sometimes. You cant contemplate every comment you make.

You also mentioned you think oyu might have aspergers, or on the autistic spectrum... have you been diagnosed?
I work with a bunch of professions whom specialize in Autism and Aspergers Disorder. I am def not qualified to diagnose (I have a Bachelors degree in psych... studying for the GRE for grad school )

I have also toyed with the idea that I may have some characteristics of autism. I have always been socially withdrawn and happy with one good friend. I am diagnosed with generalized anxiety which I am still working on and depression which just comes and goes. I guess I don't have any aspects like difficulty with abstract thinking or social awkwardness/difficulty reading people. Don't even know if that is a good way to describe Aspergers?

I have noticed I gravitate to the posts written by people with Aspergers, or maybe there is just a high population posting on this site?

First of all, thanks for your help. It is appreciated.

I will definitely take your advice about trying to get to know her more. This could be difficult though because she is behaving extremely strangely at present. I know I'm kinda moaning again but its horrible when you want to approach someone but you're not sure how to do it.

I'm not sure how to write this, so I'm going to just write it and I hope you can make sense of it. I think about this all the time and I just can't come to any conclusion at all so I wondered if you can help me. Just before we were going out, we really clicked together like a pair (it was almost like we were going out anyway, only without calling it that). We got on perfectly. She started to trust me and she stopped asking everyone things like "do you hate me?" or "do you just want me to go?". I think that shows her confidence problems easily. Anyway, along with that, she seemed to be permanently in a happy mood.

Now though, she has almost changed back to her old self (bar the questions like "do you hate me?"). she sometimes just randomly appears to get upset. I can't really approach her very much any more. Now after what you said about her actions not matching her feelings, and her not giving me a reason for why she didn't want to go out any more, just makes me wonder two things: first, if she even liked me in the first place or was she just desperate for a friend or company. And second (the one I really don't want to be true) i wonder if she regrets breaking up.

I guess it plays on my mind so much because even I'm not making sense to myself at the minute either. I definitely don't want to go out any more at all, I don't think she showed me much respect the second time round and I don't really want more of that. At the same time though, I think I might still like her a bit because I don't like to see her when she is upset and I want to cheer her up (even though she gets on my nerves more than anyone else possibly could at the minute). Also my best friend asked her for her number today and it upset me a little. I will never mention this to anyone because its entirely up to them what they do, but I cant deny that it made me feel a little down.

After saying all of that though, I wonder if I care at all any more or if I just miss the attention, or whether its even just lust. i would love to know what you think about all that though.

I wish I didn't write that now. I'm definitely taking your advice though because you obviously have a lot more experience than me.

Anyway onto your stuff lol

I haven't been diagnosed officially, but a few people on this forum have suggested it to me, I've spoken to a guy online who says he works with people with AS and he agrees with me and I can relate to nearly all of the common symptoms of AS that I know of.

What other characteristics do you have, other than being socially withdrawn, having generalised anxiety and depression. i guess you could try an online test. They generally test you for characteristics of the entire autism spectrum I think, but I question the reliability of a test consisting of a set of multiple choice questions when testing for something as broad and complex as the autism spectrum. You could always give it a go though it cant hurt.

As for a good way of describing Aspergers, I'm not sure. Its like asking me to compare one thing (me and my life) to something that I have no experience in as far as feeling what it is like goes (someone else and their life). The best way I can describe it is its like being separate from everyone else. you feel like you are half blind and you spend a lot of the time wondering what the other person is thinking about you. at the same time though, you feel like everyone else is blind because you notice things that other people don't and you cant understand why. Its like being out of sync with everyone else. there is a lot more to it than that but I have no idea how to explain it.

I like to read posts by people with Aspergers as well. somehow it seems more interesting to me, and yes i think there are a fair amount of people who post here with AS.

sorry about the length again, I'm almost done writing for today though lol. I just have three questions that came to me when I was writing this:

do you have any special interests like most people with AS do?

am I weird?

and am I annoying you?

I know those last two might seem I little odd but I was just wondering about the answers. Anyway even if you don't reply (which I hope you do) thanks for your time because you at least gave me the confidence I think I needed.

"Now though, she has almost changed back to her old self (bar the questions like "do you hate me?"). she sometimes just randomly appears to get upset. I can't really approach her very much any more. Now after what you said about her actions not matching her feelings, and her not giving me a reason for why she didn't want to go out any more, just makes me wonder two things: first, if she even liked me in the first place or was she just desperate for a friend or company. And second (the one I really don't want to be true) i wonder if she regrets breaking up. "

Eh, who isn't desperate for a friend of company sometimes. it's what came of it that matters. You two had some good times right? points where you clicked?

Second, your seond statement is confusing me.. i might be reading it wrong. You don't want her to regret breaking up with you?

Her change in moods (and some of what she says... her attitude about somethings i guess..) is probably a big factor in this being so perplexing. She might be going through things you are unaware of. Good relationships take time.

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I will look into taking a test to see but I know I prob dont have it enough for a standardized test to tell me I have it... I suppose it would still help to understand the characteristics.

I love psychology... I have heard of people with AS that have strong interests in things. Do you know why? I'll have to ask my boss.

Out of sync is an interesting way of explaining AS.

I think everyone is weird. including myself. So no i do not think you are weird. haha if that makes any sense. I don't know enough about you to say either way anyway.

And, Come on! would I be posting if you were?

yeah we did have good times.

I just wish that we didn't have the awkward atmosphere we do right now. There is no doubt though that it has got better. She doesn't treat me like crap so much any more.

She still says wierd stuff sometimes like on Friday when I got to college, I went to wait for lesson outside the room. She saw me and said "hi", so I said it back and went and stood next to her. She then said "how are you then" and then imediatly said "actually why am I asking you that, I dont care how you are anymore" which just stopped me in my tracks for some reason and I couldn't think of anything to say.

Anyway she carried on reading her book and ignored me. But its things like that that confuse me because when she does that, it brings up a sort of atmosphere and I cant tell if she is being nice or not. She says it in a nice tone I think, like she is happy to see me, but what she says isnt nice. unless she is joking. Oh I don't know lol, this has so got to be the whole AS thing (seems to get in the way a lot at the minute).

Apart from things like that though which just confuse me, I think its getting better. The next step is to actually be able to hold a conversation with her lol.

No I dont want her to regret breaking up with me. I want to just bury the whole thing completely and go back to how we were before we went out when we had loads of fun. I don't know whats changed.

I have given this some thought and come up with the main things i think (in the absolute ideal world) i would want:

- I would want to know what I did or why she broke up with me, just so i could maybe be a little more confident in future and maybe sort out what it was for future.

- I would want to know what her problem is with just being normal like before.

- I would also want to know whether she hates me or not and whether she still wants to be friends.

I think if I knew those things then i would be able to just forget about it.

Sorry if some of the above wasnt relevant. writing it out then just helped me think, and you might aswell know it anyway so i just left it.
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If you do take a test then I would be interested to hear about it (if you dont mind).

Yes, psychology sounds extremely interesting to me aswell, have you studied it or anything? or were you implying that it was a special interest of yours?.

I dont know why a lot of people with AS have strong interests in things. i certainly do, in some extremely random things as well lol. I dont even know why I like the things I do, but I do very much.

I have a theory though that its to do with finding enjoyment in something that you can understand easily, dont have to communicate with and cant be treated badly by. From what I can gather a lot of people with AS have been treated badly by other people at some point or another because they were different, myself included but thats another story.

I guess you start to believe what people tell you if enough of them tell you for long enough, I guess it just affects your self esteme. Anyway thanks for saying that (im talking about your replies to the questions at the end of my last post).

I know I keep saying this lol but thanks for taking the time to keep replying because believe it or not, its actually been a big help so far .