I'm Fed Up. I'm Done.

Just a major rant my friends. [[ I'll give a tl;dr summary at the end...]]

I'm so SICK of everything right now.
School? It sucks. I hate almost everyone there, it's all so ######6 fake. It's a school for cosmetology but everyone has a stick up their ass and I can't be myself for 7.5 hours everyday [[clothing wise, personality, etc etc etc]]. It's sickening. Mind you, because it's about 60 females packed into a small building for about 30+ hours a week [[and a day off is nothing but a dream]], drama. Kill me now. I already have about 500+ hours there [[and you need 1000 to graduate]]...I just don't know how much I can keep up this charade.
Friends? Most of em are gone to go to college or just don't give a $#%^. I'm ready to give up on trusting people overall. This year my best friend decided it'd be ok to lie to my face and go behind my back, lost her. It just sucks so hard to let go of people you love. Speaking of which...
Love? Long story short, I fell in love to the point I was ready to marry him [[we were together for a total of about a year...and a few months, but we've known each other for about 4 years now]]. Ends up that he hasn't loved me for the past 3 months at all and thought it'd be alright to use me for "the physical part of our relationship". It hurts. A lot. Even after this, I'd still give my hand to him. I know it's all in the past and there's nothing more to hope for...but I still feel like there's something with him waiting for me, like this is the big deal. For now, I guess it's best to smile and nod...
Family? I'm honestly just another name written on the family tree. It's visually obvious that they feel extremely awkward and uncomfortable around me. It hasn't always been this bad. I think it's just the more I get inked/pierced, and attempt to follow my path [[right now obviously cosmetology, soon after music...]] the more disconnected they get from me. I don't have anything in common with them other than the fact we have the same blood in our veins.

For those who didn't care to read that short novel there, I go to cosmetology school and it's full of trainwrecks and total bitches. This year I lost the love of my life, basically all of my friends, and know that I'm just another name written down on the family tree.


Overall...I'm falling apart. I've been struggling with cutting for about 7 years now, falling in and out of it. I've been pretty damn good recently but I feel like I'll be falling back into it again soon...Only this year have I started smoking [[no, not cigs]] and it's honestly the only thing that's bee able to get me away from myself and my depression. I hate to sound pity-pity-poor-me, but I don't know what else to do. I hate where I live. I hate most of the people I know. I hate too much about myself. I'm completely lost and beside myself. I feel like I have nothing more waiting for me after this. I'm honestly still breathing only because of my mother [[long story short, I only see her twice a year and she has a few problems of her own under her belt]] and for a family who can barely hold a conversation, no, small talk up with me.

If I can barely stand myself, know I have...quite literally no one by my side... What do I have?

::sigh:: Luckily I procrastinate...I'll wait for tomorrow to see what I have in store...

PiercedAndPerishing wrote:If I can barely stand myself, know I have...quite literally no one by my side... What do I have?

Hi, this may sound a bit weak but you will always have us here to listen to you. It's good that you've taken the time to rite-out all of that, in fact, because by doing this you are 'releasing' your frustration; and let's face it: There's a lot of frustration in you (quite rightly too). You've been mistreated a lot.

I don't know why exactly but problems with relationships can really mess-up a person's life. It's as if they are the one defining thing in a person's life, but it shouldn't be this way. I've felt suicidal before over girls, but it just seems so silly now when I look back on it all.

I cannot relat too much to your friends issues because I have absolutely no friends (just 'acquaintances'). My view is that friends don't last forever, and they WILL turn their back on you at some point in order to suit themselves. However, in your case, it may be that you and your 'friends' just drifted apart over the years. Either way, don't accept that $#%^ from them, or from anyone else at that matter.

Kevin