I hate myself and I want to die.

Greetings. Despite being an English student I am not very good with words, so please bare with me as I try to express my thoughts and emotions. I am seeking advice on how to deal with things and this post is also a cathartic exercise for me. I'd also like to offer my apologies in advance for such a long post.

I simply do not want to carry on living anymore. Not like this. Not at all. This is not a post asking people to talk me out of suicide. I don't know if I could go through with it, I've came close before in recent times and attempted it seriously once, which I obviously failed. Those desires subsided but now they are back with a vengance and I haven't got the energy to deal with life anymore. I'm emotionally shot and my heart is worn out. I just cannot take anymore.

For over three years now, due to many circumstances, my entire life has descended to such an extent that I want it to end. My only wish now is that I don't wake up when I go to sleep. I just don't want to feel anything anymore. I don't want to exist anymore.

Just over three years ago, I was a reasonably happy person. I had a bad childhood and I was abused both physically and sexually as a child by family members. However, I came through that. I was living a fairly good life, I had a reasonably good job with decent pay and was in a long term relationship with a girl I loved. I've always suffered from meloncholia to a certain extant, but at that point I was contented and enjoyed my life.

Then, in the space of a few weeks, I lost my job, my girlfriend and I split up and then my brother died. I moved back home to live with my mother following the split with my girlfriend, but a few months later, my mother died too. I was very close to my mother and dealing with that was the most difficult part. I'd never properly reacted to my brothers death at the time, and everything hit me at once when she died.

The following six months or so was my lowest point. Therein came the deep depression and thoughts of suicide. For a number of weeks not long after my mum had died, I went to bed knife in hand ready to slit my wrists. I didn't do it, mostly because I didn't have the nerve to go through with it. I did make one actual attempt at suicide, when I overdosed on painkillers, but that didn't work.

Gradually, I started to get my life together to a certain extent. I went back to college, without any real purpose other than to distract myself from myself. There though, I found something that I was good at, something I could do. It gave me back my self-confidence and self-esteem. I also met a girl who I fell in love with and began a relationship with. I was on a high and I had a real sense of purpose and motivation.

Then it started to crash. My mother was divorced from my father and had not left a will before she died. The house was split between my father and all of the children (there were eight of us including the brother that had died.) I had to face people I'd left behind in the past, I had to face old secrets, feelings that had long been vanquished suddenly became very real again and it was a very distressing time. It drained me emotionally.

Then I had to face my uncle dying too, and the arguments between all the siblings over the house. To top it all off, the girl who by now I was placing my entire faith in humanity in, let me down. Everybody I thought that loved me or cared about me had betrayed me, just when I thought I was beginning to get things back on track they were worse than ever. I was at an all-time low.

I couldn't go on at this point, but I was saved by a new, albeit unusual friendship. I met somebody out of the blue. We talked all the time, usually light hearted and I loved talking to her. For the last six months, our relationship continued, and again, it helped me restore some faith in humanity as well as my self-esteem. I needed a friend and she became a very good friend to me. I loved her company, loved talking to her, and I genuinely became very fond of her and would say she has been a very good friend.

Last week, she said she didn't want to speak to me again. She said that she didn't like to get too close to people or have people know too much about her. This crushed me completely. She has her own issues which I wont go into right now. I tried to dissuede her, but we ended up arguing and I've ended up hurting her by saying things that I should not have said and being selfish, mostly out of the fear of losing her friendship. I was completely selfish and stupid and I just cannot get over both the way I treated her or the fact that this friendship that meant so much to me is now ever.

When I hurt myself it doesn't matter that much and I can try to deal with things in my own way, but I've genuinely hurt and upset her, when I now realise that she needed me, and I just cannot forgive myself for this. I can't deal with this. After everything that's happened, I am completely crushed, emotionally and mentally. How the hell do I deal with this?

I don't know what I'm asking, I just needed to say all this, somewhere. I need help.

Hey hun! Seems like ya got a lot a sh*t goin on rite now, but let me tell you that will pass. There's no better time then now to look at what you DO have in life and your potentials!

Don't look at the things that struck ya down. Just look to the future and gather ideas on how to start yer life up again. It may not be the exact thing you want to do, but at least it will get ya thinkin and lead ya in the right direction! Look at all the good things that happen to you - Even if it's just finding a $5 bill on the ground, just think about it and be happy about the little good things that go on. That'll help ya look closer at the bigger good things that happen around you.

You feel like ya hit the bottom, but there aint nowhere to go but up, right? You may feel like there's nothin you can do but there is! There always is! Ya got lots a pplz on this site who are always there for ya