Suicidal

Hi Angel

Thank you for your encouragement. Thanks also for reassuring me about writing on here. I guess I'm a bit worried about offending people after the comments I received from someone from a different forum about being manipulative and trying to control people. I don't want to upset anyone with what I write.

I do realise I have a long way to go and I have kept all these things inside for so many years I think I am going to be seeing my therapist for some time. She said I have a lot of complicated issues going on but I hope I will get more from the therapy this time as at least she is allowing me to write so she can understand how I'm feeling and what my issues are.

I'm feeling rather low today because the lady I talk to on another forum (the hypnotherapist who helped find my therapist) is away until 8 September. It probably does sound like I'm manipulative now. I've formed quite an attachment to her and I'm going to find it difficult that she won't be around. I know that it is my problem and I didn't tell her how I felt. I wished her a great holiday. But I am feeling upset. My friend is also away from Saturday for a week and I'm panicking a bit at the moment.

There are so many things going on at present with me still struggling with my feelings for my tutor and I'm also having a lot of hassles with my dad. He keeps calling round checking up on me and wanting to know what I'm doing all the time. He works as a postman and brought a package round to me. It was a book I'd ordered (a woman's life story and her struggle to be accepted because she is gay). Anyway, dad had opened it and came round here to have a go at me because of it. He said it was filth and disgusting. He shouted at me a lot and I could only break down and cry. I'm finding it difficult to cope with this situation at the moment.

It just seems that so many things are happening at the same time and I can't deal with it. It all combines to make me feel worse about myself and I feel so much self-loathing. I can't see why people bother with me because I don't feel like I'm worth it.

Sorry I'm ranting on I think I'd better leave it there.

Cagney

Cagney,

Your relationship w/ your dad is so interesting to me. Course probably not how you feel when he goes back and forth w/ you. He's obviously caring w/ you as you say he calls and checks up on you often and wants to know how you are doing. But then at the same time he's prying into your mail and starting fights w/ you over the contents of your private and personal things. And as a postman he must know that he cannot open your mail, father or not, legally. I mean if you wanted to get downright technical about things w/ him and make things difficult w/ him; you could file charges against him for opening your mail. And in his position it could cost him his job. From the things you write in your posts...and I don't mean this in a negative way against you, it's just an observation....I don't think you are at a point where you could do this yet....but I think you need to stand up to your father when he does these things to you. Don't let him stand there and go on and on w/ you like that. Put him in his place. Remember you are no longer a child and you simply do not have to take these things from him. Yes, he is your father and I'm sure that what he says starts out of concern. In his mind your lifestyle is wrong and he can't begin to get his mind or heart around it. He doesn't have to accept it but he's going to have to decide if he can accept you and love you. And if he chooses to do that, then he needs to either accept this part about you or start respecting that it IS a part of who you are and at the very least keep his opinions to himself on the issue. Is that hard as your father? Maybe so. But father or not, you deserve that much respect. Just because he is your father DOES NOT give him the right to constantly throw this in your face and belittle you every chance he gets. I hope you find your personal strengh. Because in a situation like that package...w/ your father...you really needed to have the personal strength and courage to stand your ground w/ him. You don't have to handle the situation in the same way he does; w/ yelling right back and so forth. But you can say to him matter of fact that this is going nowhere and he can either stop it or he can leave as you simply will not tolerate anymore. You can let him know you do not appreciate that he opened your mail nor will you tolerate that and if you find that he ever does anything like that again you will not hesitate to report him. And he must realize the consequences of that. Can you imagine his reaction to see you standing up for yourself?!! And you can do that tactfully. YOu don't have to be a b**** about standing up for yourself. But being respectful of your parents does not mean you stand there and listen while they belittle you. ..............I don't know. Maybe I'm off base here too. Maybe you do try to defend yourself and speak back in your right...I get the impression from you that you would shy away from your fathers words though and let him go on? But hey. If I am right...that is something that you can be working on in counseling ...all in due time of course!!

I'm just so mega proud of you that you are working w/ a therapist!!! It's a huge step to take and I know a very scary one. And you did it!!!!!!! YEY!!! And hey that's great that she's going to let writing be a part of your sessions; that will help a lot too!

Try not to let that poster from the other forum upset you. Obviously he was way off base in where you are coming from. He made about 2 good points! 1. "You blame yourself for them not talking to you, but this is not true". and I stop there...I don't agree w/ the rest of his statement. At least not for myself. Some might agree w/ his entire statement. I can't speak for everyone. To me I would say a better way to put that is that some people may be frustrated w/ you that they can't get you to understand it's not you; they are just simply busy and can't devote all their personal time to the forums. Something more like that! 2." They have every right to do something else or have their own crisis and not be able to talk to you." But of course I know you realize that. Course knowing that and being frustrated by not hearing from someone when you are out here seeking support....I think many of us on the forums go through that! I know there are times when I post something on the board when I'm down and the waiting for a reply can be so frustrating.
I have to say for my own self that I have never felt manipulated by you when you talk about feeling like harming yourself or wanting to give up on life. I know that you are not looking to do these things JUST because you have not heard from someone on a forum. I'm not stupid. You are dealing w/ far more complex issues and wouldn't just start hurting yourself or take your life because someone on a forum didn't get back to you in a timeframe you were hoping for. If you did either of these things it wouldn't be over the forum, it would be because of the weight of ALL the issues you are dealing w/ finally being too much to bear. I believe all you were trying to say on that forum...and of course I don't know what you posted but I"ll assume from his reply is that you were frustrated by not having heard back from people and took that to mean you have upset people. And feeling like you are upsetting people is just one more thing going wrong in your life. Feeling this way only ADDS to all the issues you are dealing w/ and you know what...you can't take it anymore. Is that maybe the direction of your post that he replied too? If that is the case...he simply took it way out of context...focused only on the portion of the fact that you were upset people had not replied and linked that to the suicide parts. He bypassed anything else relating to how you are dealing w/ MANY issues. You just can't let this one poster bring you down. He's ONE person and you've never met him. He does not know you and he's obviously misjudged you. I know it's hard....I got into it once w/ a poster here and no matter how I tried to make things better...she couldn't accept my trying to be sincere or make things better...she just wanted a fight....it really sucked and really brought me down...but finally I had to realize that this is just one person and I'm better then this...not better then the person mind you...I don't even know the person...but I'm better then letting this one poster and one situation affect me. I have to let it go and move forward and I finally did that. Not saying I was blameless in the situation but I tried to right those wrongs and still couldn't be forgiven. But whatever. You just have to let those things go then and say this person obviously does not know me and does not want to give me a chance or benefit of the doubt. There are other people out there in this world that do and that has to be my focus. I bet you don't even realize that even though you are struggling and trying to work through your own things right now....you actually help people on this board!!!!!!!!!!! So there! And yes I truly do mean that! You help me believe it or not. Like I explained w/ my reasons for coming here for support in yesterday's post!

Anyway. I'd better let you go for today. Was gone all yesterday w/ my girls on a spur of the moment trip and now I have LOTS to do to catch up around home today!

Take Care,
Carm

Hi Angel

Thank you for your reply. You are right when you say I don't stand up to my dad anymore. There was a time when I tried to, but that was when I was a teenager and I got shouted down every time. The situation with my dad is that he seems to care more about outside appearances, whether what I do could reflect badly on him. When I first started having problems with depression and social phobia at school I was confiding in a teacher, and he hated it because he couldn't control what I was saying to her. He did everything he could to stop me. I admit I did some stupid things like attempting to take an overdose while at school but when he was called into school he was more concerned about how I'd made him look than the reasons why I had done it.

He is very homophobic and I don't think he'll ever accept me for that reason. It is like he can't see that is one part of me, its all or nothing. Through forums like this and talking to people I am only now beginning to realise that one of the main reasons for my low self esteem is a lot of the things my parents constantly told me. I've never felt good enough for them and they rejected me constantly, just because I have feelings for other women and also because I have problems with depression.

When I said that my dad comes round here to check up on me I didn't mean out of concern. It is another way of trying to control what I'm doing. I know it is not just me because he does the same with my step mum. He also opens her post and then tries to seal it again. He rings her constantly and checks up on her. I sometimes hide in my own house because I can't cope with the pressure it places on me but then I feel guilty for avoiding him. Don't get me wrong, I do love him, after all he is my dad but he can't seem to accept that I'm an adult and need to live my own life. I have to live it the way he thinks I should and if not I'm in the wrong and he criticizes me again.

Like I said I used to try to stand up to him and to try to get him to listen to my point of view. But now I can't say anything. All I can do is break down and cry at every confrontation. I hate myself for doing it but I can't stop myself. He gets even more angry and then after a few days I end up apologising to him just to keep the peace, until the next time.

Maybe I'm just a bit oversensitive about what the person on the other forum wrote. It was the second time she wrote something quite harsh in response to something I'd written. You were along the right lines with your assumption about what I'd posted. I was upset because I thought I'd annoyed or upset the people I was writing to. I said I was feeling suicidal (not that I was definitely going to kill myself) and that I thought everyone was becoming frustrated and annoyed with me. Of course, I realise now that it isn't true but I am always worried about being rejected by people. Unfortunately, I do take things like not receiving a reply in the time that I usually get one to mean that I've done something wrong. It might be irrational but sometimes I can't help it. I would never say to that person that I was going to kill myself because they hadn't replied to me. I wouldn't want to hurt anyone by doing that.

Maybe the way I wrote my post wasn't clear but even when I later tried to clarify what I'd meant she still wouldn't accept what I was saying and insisted 'some things just need to be said'. What got to me even more is that this woman is a moderator of that forum and I think other people that use it will obviously view me in the way she described me. I therefore feel unable to go back there again. At least I still have this one and there is another one that I use. I know I shouldn't let comments like that get to me but it was one more person attacking my character which has happened to me all my life by my parents. I already have such a negative image of myself and I tend to take on board any negative comments that someone else makes. It felt personal.

Thank you for saying you have not felt that about me. I do worry now if that is the way I am coming across to people. I do feel bad about constantly asking for help but what you said helps. I hadn't thought that by writing here I could be helping others, including you.

I hope you managed to get all your jobs around the house done.

Cagney

ok ill just get straight to the point. I have a serious problem with suicide, its always in my head, i always attempt and fail in the end (ending up in hospital all the time for those), mutilate myself, and etc. I want to stop, and i should cause i know all that mumbo jumbo about suicide and all, but it just doesnt get to me at all. No matter what happens, or anyone tries to help me i still dont change. Last night i just tried again, and realized how dumb i was in doing that, because now i have aching neck to deal with (dont wanna say what i did im sorry..), sugguestion's?
Also i took pill's as well as counseling.

-just a guy

Dear Just a guy,

I'm stumped! Also very sorry to know you are dealing w/ this. I'm a person who has had good success w/ therapy and meds. So I'm at a loss as what to suggest; as you have indicated that you've tried these routes and still continue to try to take your own life. Have you tried any in-patient programs? I mean long term programs? Or when you work w/ a therapist do you really check them out and make sure what their backgrounds are? What their main areas of counseling pertain too? I find where I live our counselors each have areas they focus on for counseling.....they counselor patients for a variety of things but they each have their areas that they specialize in as well and I prefer to work w/ someone who has spent years of study on the particular area I'm there to work on rather then someone who has only spent a short amount of time in school or has only had just a few patients over the years w/ this particular thing....I feel they are more qualified to help me then you know?

And of course....it takes more then just popping a pill once a day to curb the idea of suicide. But I honestly don't have an answer for you. I hope some others on the board will chime in on this one. Course none of us here are professionals...we can only offer our support to you...not "Help" you but try to support you as you deal w/ this and try help you find help in general.

Wow...this is a tough one and my heart truly goes out to you. I hope you are able to find someone that can help you beat this and I hope you don't give in to the "demons" in side you.

Hi Just A Guy

I feel for how desperate you must be feeling right now. I originally started this topic, and was sure suicide was the only way out for me. Like you, I have had many hours of counselling, and taken many different antidepressants in the past 20 years, none of which helped me at all.

I wound up here a couple of months ago feeling at my lowest point, and believing that my life would never get any better. I also self-harm.

I just wanted to give you some hope that life can change. I have found a counselling who I have really 'clicked' with. I am also a member of a couple of forums and have found a lot of help and support from members. It has been a long, hard slog, but I have gone past the thoughts of suicide all day every day. I still have days when I feel really low, but I am able to pick myself up more easily now and recognise that tomorrow might be better.

Maybe you just haven't found the right counsellor, or the right approach for you yet. I'm sure Angel can testify to how bad I was when I joined here. She offered me lots of support, which I am very grateful for.

Don't give up hope. If I can start to turn my life around, there really is hope for everyone. I've spent most of my life battling depression, with repeated suicide attempts. I feel like I am finally coming out of that and seeing that there is a life to be had out there.

Cagney

Cagney,

Thanks for sharing. A while back I just sort of ran out of things to suggest to you. I've been praying for you. I'm glad things are going better.
Jim S