Suicidal

Are you saying you are agreeing with me that this is all my fault Taran?

PS to my post to Angel

Maybe I should consider registering now I have been posting here a while.

Part of me feels that she may have logged on to the board in a way to try and talk to you. You have been feeling suicidal and she's tried to talk to you about this, but you say you have downplayed things to her in an effort not to worry her. But friends can pick up on things and maybe she recognizes what you are doing. Maybe when you shared the website info w/ her she felt like it was an opportunity to get more insight in what you are going through.

I can understand her concern in the other area. I don't exactly like the way she handled things. But if she feels she has tried to talk to you directly before and it's not getting her anywhere and she's scared for you...maybe she feels she had to do something more drastic and felt an opportunity presented itself. I wouldn't so much view this situation as who did what to whom though. I wouldn't try to focus on who wronged who. Just sit down and talk this out w/ each other. Maybe let her know that you appreciate her concerns but you would appreciate her respecting your space and privacy and set some ground rules w/ her. However, I need to stress that if you are talking to your friends and family about ending your life....expect that those who love and care about you are probably going to take some measures to say to hell w/ your personal space and privacy because they are going to do what they can to find out what is going on w/ you and at any cost...try and help you and keep you alive!

I know. It's like I'm talking in circles here. It's like on the one hand I don't like what she did but yet when I remind myself of the fact that you are in a very rough place right now and talking about the desire to end your life....friends and family are a little more justified in their actions to do what they can to protect you and try to seek out answers in what is going on w/ you and how they can help you or protect you if when they try to talk to you directly they feel like they are not getting what they need from you to do that. Does that make sense? Loved ones that care about you are not going to sit back calmly and take lightly when you say "hey, don't worry about me...I'm fine" when they can see clearly that you are not fine. And if you tell them that and they can see you won't talk w/ them....then they won't give up on you...they'll have to get what they need to help you another way. And again..as much as on the surface what she did seems wrong....for the greater good of helping you....maybe it wasn't so wrong. In this case. So it's not so much the idea of you did something wrong or that you owe her an apology. You just need to see that she's only trying to help you and that you really do have people in your life that want nothing more then to help you get better and live!!! And I think if she knows what happened w/ the tutor in your life...then she got scared when she heard you talking about this woman the way you were in that you might be starting to go down that same road all over again. Maybe that is why she felt a need to log on and talk to this woman....to warn her off for you so that you couldn't go down that road again. No...it wasn't her place to do that. But I think I can understand her reasons for wanting to do it. Because she cares about you and was probably worried about you having to start this kind of thing all over again.

Now I'm not sure if I'm on the right track w/ any of this. But it's what I'm sort of thinking of at this point. You of course can let me know if I'm in the right ball park and if not I can just try again!!

Sorry to be spinning in so many directions....just sitting down w/ the first cup of coffee this morning and a cold and trying to get my brain going -Angel

Hi Angel

I know you are right about my friend being worried about me. The thing is I never told her I was suicidal and having thoughts of ending my life. She did know I was depressed and knew about my college tutor and what has happened there. It was obviously only when she went on the forum that she saw I was talking about suicide.

I know there was nothing malicious in her actions but I still don't know what to do about it. I want to talk to her and sort the whole thing out, but I don't really know what to say. If I admit I've felt like killing myself she'll just feel worse. What is she supposed to say to that? I'm holding on and haven't done anything about it but it doesn't stop the feelings and hopelessness.

Maybe I am worrying unnecessarily about this woman I've been talking to because she is still replying to my messages. She is a moderator of the board and is a hypnotherapist/counsellor so maybe she is able to put any feelings I might have for her into perspective. I know I can't have any real feelings for her because I don't know her. I've only been writing to her on the web and I think there is probably an element of transference going on. I'm so desperately unhappy at trying to cope with the loss of my tutor that I'm probably just looking for something or someone to make everything better. I know no one can do that but it doesn't stop me looking for someone.

The people I talk to on forums are so important to me because it is the only way I can express myself and hearing the opinions of other people helps to put some of my issues into some sort of perspective. I'm just a bit confused because the woman I speak of is the only one I get feelings of real despair if she doesn't reply. You probably won't understand what I'm trying to say because I don't understand myself. I'm just so confused.

PS I just registered. My username is now Cagney.

Hi!

I like your board name by the way; didn't you once say you like the show "Cagney and Lacey"?!

You don't always have to come right out and say you are feeling suicidal for a friend to pick up on that. Plus, now it's out there because of the fact that she has been on the boards and seen your postings. So you can simply start out your conversations by telling her that you know about her posting on the board you've been on...if she tries to deny knowing what you are talking about....tell her about what happened the other night when she let you use the computer. No use letting there be any lies or secrets between you at this point. If you want to get to the bottom of everything that is, now you need to put it out there between the two you of and say look....I know...I went to the site and saw this stuff...lets just be honest here....lets talk about this all and try to understand each other.

This isn't about making her feel worse. You are the one dealing w/ issues and you are the one who feels the desire to take your own life. I don't see that she's going to feel "worse" about anything persay. Yes, she's going to be concerned about you, no doubt. She's your friend. You can't avoid that unless you stop a friendship w/ her altogether and do you really want that?!! But then you just proved a point to yourself anytime you want to argue w/ yourself that if you take your life no one will care!! However don't try to argue w/ me that if you take your life those who do care about you will no longer have to deal w/ some sort of burden you feel you are on them because you only trade this supposed burden for one far greater ....having to grieve through the loss of a friend who dies because of suicide....take it from me...I'd much rather have my friend Jason here and help him every day for the rest of my life if I have to, w/ his "issues" then have to spend the rest of my life dealing w/ the pain of his loss because he took his life. I miss him so much sometimes I feel my heart will break in a million pieces. Sometimes I dream of him and it feels so real that when I wake up I think I'm back in 1989 and my friend will be right there...then I realize it's all gone and so is he and that pain can be unbearable. Yeah...I'd much rather carry the "burden" of trying to help him deal w/ his issue then deal w/ this grief. And I hope you hear the sarcasim in how I say "burden" because I never felt trying to help a friend is ever a burden!!

Ok....nuff about my friend. Just trying to help you understand that maybe she doesn't look at trying to help you in the same way you worry about it.

Maybe I am worrying unnecessarily about this woman I've been talking to because she is still replying to my messages. She is a moderator of the board and is a hypnotherapist/counsellor so maybe she is able to put any feelings I might have for her into perspective. I know I can't have any real feelings for her because I don't know her. I've only been writing to her on the web and I think there is probably an element of transference going on. I'm so desperately unhappy at trying to cope with the loss of my tutor that I'm probably just looking for something or someone to make everything better. I know no one can do that but it doesn't stop me looking for someone.

I think you hit the nail on the head here when you say there might be some element of transference going on. I also feel it might just simply be that more to do w/ the fact that you have mentioned you don't have a lot of friends outside these boards and you have found someone in her that you really trust and feel safe w/, much like a friend in real life. I would venture a guess that it's not so much you feel anything toward's her romantically but more so you just don't want to lose the connection w/ her in general as a safe trusting "friend". But again, I think you hit the nail on the head w/ the first thing too. Just be careful in looking for someone that you don't want a carbon copy replacement. No one can replace her. You need to move on and start fresh! I know. Easier said then done.

-Angel

Hi Angel

Thanks for your reply. Yeah, I do like Cagney & Lacey - Sharon Gless in particular, that's why Cagney.

I'm trying to work up to talking to my friend but probably won't see her til next week now.

I understand what you said about the woman I've been talking to. I guess I'm so desperately unhappy at losing my tutor that I'm latching on to this woman because she has been really kind through her messages. I know no one can replace my tutor.

I didn't have too bad a day today. I even replied to the messages of two other people of the other forum who were saying they felt suicidal. Probably a bit hypocritical from me but at least I understand how they feel. However, I've just been on the forum and found that the woman I'm talking about has replied to several other people but not to me and now I'm feeling really low again. I feel really selfish and horrible for getting so upset. I know I can't really expect her to reply to me all the time but it's what I look forward to every day now, logging on to the internet to see if I have a reply from her. I feel so really stupid and worthless at the moment. Why can't I just cope with this myself?

Cagney

Hi Angel

It's me again. I've taken your advice and have now spoken to my friend and we have sorted everything out. She said she wanted to speak to me about it but didn't know what to say either. She said she wrote to the lady I was telling you about because she was really worried about me but she was able to put her mind at rest. She said she realises I might not feel comfortable saying everything that is on my mind with her there because sometimes it is easier to talk to strangers, so she isn't going to be going on there anymore. So I'm really glad we sorted it out. I explained to her that it isn't as if I don't trust her, but sometimes I can't tell her when I'm feeling really bad because then I worry how it will affect her.

She has put my mind at rest about the lady I've been talking to. Apparently when my friend mentioned about my possible attachment to her, the lady replied saying that it wasn't anything to worry about and is quite normal to feel like that about someone who cares and has been helping. And after my rather emotional post last night, she did reply to me so I felt happier. I suppose she is used to this kind of thing.

Cagney

I'm really proud of you for taking the step in talking w/ your friend. I know you are uncomfortable in situations like that and I think that shows alot for you in that you were able to sit down w/ your friend and talk w/ her openly about this. Great job!!

Sorry I didn't get back to you on your post of yesterday. I replied to a few posts on the board and by the time I got to yours I was running late for some things I needed to get to around home. Plus I have a cold and I'm just so zapped of energy this week. Which for someone like me who deals w/ OCPD...that is horrible. I have this desire in me that needs to be cleaning everything but I just don't have the energy to do have of what I just feel I need to be doing. I guess it's good I get sick sometimes because my body gets a break!! But I go crazy at times like these...I still clean a little...probably more like most people do ...but I just walk around my house thinking of all the things I should be doing and I just can't ....man I HATE being sick. Well...I say that like there are people out there who like being sick...haha!!

Anyway. I have to keep my post short today because I'm trying to pop on here quick while my daughters eat lunch and I'd better break away now before they need me again and keep at the kitchen mess!!

Take Care!
Angel

Hi Angel

I'm sorry you're not feeling well. I hope your cold is a bit better today.

I've got myself into a bit of a stupid situation and I'm panicking and feeling really low at the moment. I have been talking to several people on different forums and it's been helping me, especially since I have a huge problem with trust.

Anyway there is one woman (not the one I've been telling you I worry about becoming attached to) from a different forum who replied to a couple of my posts and she kept saying she was going to email me because she saw herself in me a couple of years ago. Anyway last night I received an email from her and she told me she thought I was brave for opening up so much on the forum and that she had similar feelings for female teachers when she was at school but always assumed she saw them as mother figures (she has a diff relationship with her mum like I do mine). She said that since she's had probs with anxiety for the last few months she's developed feelings for her ex-boss and she is questioning her sexuality.

We talked a lot on messenger last night and she said a lot of things that I felt and she said she related to a lot of what I said. Then she asked about meeting up to talk in person and we ended up arranging for her to come to where I live next week. I know the warnings about meeting with people from the internet but I'm sure she is genuine. I am more worried because I think it might be too much for me. It is one thing talking on messenger but completely different to meet in person and have to 'talk'. I've been worrying about it and it's making me feel really low.

I went on the forum tonight and she had posted about having a bad day today as well so I don't know what to do. If we are both having bad days on the day we are supposed to meet I don't know how that will go. I can see me having to write everything I want to say on paper and that's not really a good way to have a conversation. But I don't want to let her down.

Cagney