Hi!
I like your board name by the way; didn't you once say you like the show "Cagney and Lacey"?!
You don't always have to come right out and say you are feeling suicidal for a friend to pick up on that. Plus, now it's out there because of the fact that she has been on the boards and seen your postings. So you can simply start out your conversations by telling her that you know about her posting on the board you've been on...if she tries to deny knowing what you are talking about....tell her about what happened the other night when she let you use the computer. No use letting there be any lies or secrets between you at this point. If you want to get to the bottom of everything that is, now you need to put it out there between the two you of and say look....I know...I went to the site and saw this stuff...lets just be honest here....lets talk about this all and try to understand each other.
This isn't about making her feel worse. You are the one dealing w/ issues and you are the one who feels the desire to take your own life. I don't see that she's going to feel "worse" about anything persay. Yes, she's going to be concerned about you, no doubt. She's your friend. You can't avoid that unless you stop a friendship w/ her altogether and do you really want that?!! But then you just proved a point to yourself anytime you want to argue w/ yourself that if you take your life no one will care!! However don't try to argue w/ me that if you take your life those who do care about you will no longer have to deal w/ some sort of burden you feel you are on them because you only trade this supposed burden for one far greater ....having to grieve through the loss of a friend who dies because of suicide....take it from me...I'd much rather have my friend Jason here and help him every day for the rest of my life if I have to, w/ his "issues" then have to spend the rest of my life dealing w/ the pain of his loss because he took his life. I miss him so much sometimes I feel my heart will break in a million pieces. Sometimes I dream of him and it feels so real that when I wake up I think I'm back in 1989 and my friend will be right there...then I realize it's all gone and so is he and that pain can be unbearable. Yeah...I'd much rather carry the "burden" of trying to help him deal w/ his issue then deal w/ this grief. And I hope you hear the sarcasim in how I say "burden" because I never felt trying to help a friend is ever a burden!!
Ok....nuff about my friend. Just trying to help you understand that maybe she doesn't look at trying to help you in the same way you worry about it.
Maybe I am worrying unnecessarily about this woman I've been talking to because she is still replying to my messages. She is a moderator of the board and is a hypnotherapist/counsellor so maybe she is able to put any feelings I might have for her into perspective. I know I can't have any real feelings for her because I don't know her. I've only been writing to her on the web and I think there is probably an element of transference going on. I'm so desperately unhappy at trying to cope with the loss of my tutor that I'm probably just looking for something or someone to make everything better. I know no one can do that but it doesn't stop me looking for someone.
I think you hit the nail on the head here when you say there might be some element of transference going on. I also feel it might just simply be that more to do w/ the fact that you have mentioned you don't have a lot of friends outside these boards and you have found someone in her that you really trust and feel safe w/, much like a friend in real life. I would venture a guess that it's not so much you feel anything toward's her romantically but more so you just don't want to lose the connection w/ her in general as a safe trusting "friend". But again, I think you hit the nail on the head w/ the first thing too. Just be careful in looking for someone that you don't want a carbon copy replacement. No one can replace her. You need to move on and start fresh! I know. Easier said then done.
-Angel