Suicidal

Guest, are you involved in any community activities, church, or anything? Do you work outside the home? Have you ever been in a gay group?

It's a wide, interesting world out there.

Hi...I don't have time to post on everything...we just got back from a weekend away and I'm checking in here quick. I'd have to go back over my whole post....I'm not sure how I worded myself that made you think I feel you "choose to be gay"....I hope you don't think I feel people just up and decide they can be gay or straight. I'm not like that. I don't think you can just stop being gay and "turn straight" tomorrow. I realize it's not like that. And I personally don't feel it's this big sin either. Frankly...yes...I happen to be straight. I'm married 8 yrs. this month and have two daughters. But I feel if someone happens to be attracted to someone of the same sex...ok...I admit I don't understand those feelings....but I won't judge it and say it's wrong or a sin against God or anything like that. I don't feel it's a mark against someone or it implies there is anything wrong w/ a person morally...pyscologically, etc. Either you love w/in your sex or outside. Again....I won't pretend I understand it when you love someone the same sex as you are....but as you said...I don't believe you just woke up one day and decided this for yourself kind of thing either. So please know that. I don't understand it...but I won't judge people for it either. I feel you deserve the same happiness in life as a man loving a women and you deserve the same rights and laws too for that matter. Whole nother topic of conversation. .....I just wanted to clarify myself on that. Boy...I need to go back in my other post and see where I worded myself wrong. Whatever I said so off track....I do apologize. Sometimes I'm very terrible at explaining where I'm coming from though...I will say that!!

But ok. I must close here and get back to things around my house. Plus that...my daughter really wants to play her computer games and unwind from a weekend stuck in the van!!

Take Care,
Angel

but I hold no ill will towards those who chose that lifestyle. Your choosing this lifestyle does not make you worthless.

ok...now I see where you were getting the impression from me...very sorry...poor choice of words where I say "choose". But I didn't mean to imply that you literally "choose" one way of life over the other like you "can" choose being straight if you really wanted too. Maybe a better way to have worded it would have been to say that I hold no ill will towards those who live this lifestyle. I guess I'm use to that phrase used in a lot of ways "hold no ill will towards those who choose to live their lives that way" and I went w/ it w/out realizing the deeper meaning it had in this situation. See...like I said...sometimes I don't think too clearly when I speak...but again...like I explained above...it wasn't where I was trying to explain my views on this one are. Hope I've better explained myself though for you and again I'm really sorry. -Angel

Hi Taran

No, I don't work due to health problems. I'm not a member of a church, not that I don't believe exactly, but I don't feel you need to go to church for that. I don't do anything in the community either (in fact it's very difficult when you are on disability benefits here to do anything). I don't have any hobbies. In fact I'm just very boring.

Hi Angel

Sorry, I think maybe I was just being a bit over-sensitive over your choice of words, probably because the impression I get from my parents is that I CAN choose to be gay or straight. If only it was that easy. To be honest, although I know I've always had feelings for women, I've never been in a relationship so I'm really not 100% sure myself. I think I must be or I wouldn't have these feelings for women, and I wouldn't be so devastated now over the loss of contact with my former tutor. I wouldn't have loved her all these years would I?

The thing is that I'm just really scared of men but I don't know why. I know I could NEVER in a million years have a relationship with a man and in fact the thought of a physical relationship freaks me out. I just know I'll never go down that road.

I do still have very strong feelings for my former tutor and it hurts so much that I'll never see her again. I just can't believe that I'll ever feel the same about anyone else, even if I was able to socialise and meet someone. I feel like crying all the time and every night I dream about her. It has been 3 months since I found out she didn't want anything more to do with me and the pain is getting worse, not better. I'm finding it so difficult to live without her.

Oh and I forgot to say Taran, that no I have never been in a gay group. I live in a small town and there's nothing like that here. You have to go to the city for that. I'm afraid my social phobia holds me back a lot with things like that.

I'm in real trouble tonight. I've been trying to make myself fight these feelings I'm having but I don't think I can anymore. I've found myself feeling more suicidal than before. I've even found myself planning how to do it and I've written notes for people.

I'm sorry but I don't think I can fight this anymore.

I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling what I'm going to guess is your lowest point now. I would imagine so if you are planning and writing notes. I hope you make the choice not to end your life though. I know this is so hard, what you are going through. Ok. I know. I don't know it from a personal stand point. But I can relate to being at the point you are for my own personal reasons...planning and note writing. I urge you to call 1-800-SUICIDE or I do recall from your earlier postings that you are in the UK...I think some of the others here have posted some websites for you to consider...but otherwise please consider seeking out help at least one last time. I know I don't need to remind you, but I will none-the-less...this is not a choice you can change your mind on and right now that might seem like "hey great..that's what I'm after"...but oh the finality in it sweet heart. There just has to be better options. I can understand what you are going through w/ your parents is incredibly painful and that loving your tutor and not being able to have her love in return is also so incredibly painful but those two things can not be your reason to give up on life. You have the power in you to work through these things. And yes...I fully realize they can bring anyone down to the depths of personal emotional destruction. I truly can understand that. But you don't have to let it destroy you. You really don't. You can survive this even though right now the pain seems insurmountable. I promise you, w/out trying to sound like I'm belittling your pain, people have survived so much worse. And my dear...I do realize you are going through much. What you are dealing w/ is a great burdon to carry. But I just can't stress enough that you can learn how to get through this. You really can. But it does take work and it won't happen over night. You just need the right tools and time for starters. I personally don't believe you've worked w/ the right therapist and sometimes it can take working w/ a couple before you find just the right click. At least that was the case for me. It took me a long time to find the right one before it benefited me. And I had to have the right attitude about implementing what they were talking about into my daily routine before I actually saw the "rewards" in my personal life. Just going in and talking for an hour on the couch didn't help me. NOw for some....just having someone to listen to is enough. But for some people, me being one of them...I needed someone who not only heard my story...but took it another step further. I needed someone who said ok...this is the jist of what is going on for you. Time for you to stop dwelling on what the issues are and here is the plan of attack for how we are going to make change. Told me a name for what I'm dealing w/ and helped me to start learning new ways of how I could start to make changes in my life....take the OCPD portion of my life....I went in and explained to my therapist what life was like for me on a daily basis and how my "symptoms" were destroying my life...talked of the suicidal feelings and depression, etc. But after awhile I stopped talking and my therapist took over...explained what he felt I was dealing w/ and said ok...now this is where you can start helping yourself...here is your goal for this week...I went home and worked on those goals and the next week I came back and reported on my progress...we fine-tuned goals then for the next week...if I didn't acheive goals the week before...we talked about why and then worked out a plan of attack for the next week..or w/ my counseling for the fact that I have cyclothymia...I learned a lot about what it is and why I respond to things in my life such as I do....learned to look for clues in my self so that when certain situations come up in life for me...I'm prepared for them and I can help myself respond better to them as compared to how I might have poorly handled them in the past. Does any of this make sense of where I"m trying to go? See...this never happened w/ my counselors in the past. I just came in week after week after week and talked...or as I like to call it...had a "b****" fest on their couch. But I wasn't really solving any of my issues or problems. And so when I finally decided enough was enough...I felt I left counseling as messed up or depressed as when I started. Now for some people...that style of counseling actually helps because they just feel they finally have someone to talk to and someone is actually listening. For me...that doesn't work. To me...I can come to a place like this and talk for free. I need goals, explanations, help in ways of teaching me how I can help change myself for the better...and so forth. And maybe that would help you too. NEver know. Also I needed help w/ medication. Mind you...popping a pill every day will not be your magic cure all. But it does help a lot. Helps to even out your moods and lift that over whelming feeling of depression so that you are left w/ a clearer mind to work through the issues you need to work through. That's how I like to look at it. It won't take away your issues...it's not a magic cure all...but it will help a lot so you and your therapist can help work on the rest a lot easier. Sort of laymen's terms on how my therapist put it to me!!

In the end I know I can't make this choice for you. I know you are going through an incredibly hard time right now but I really believe it can get better for you. I believe if you allow yourself time to work through the feelings you have for your tutor and have help in this...allow yourself a grieving period and so forth....allow yourself time to work it all out and get over the feelings you have for her...much like anyone would do when a relationship comes to an end...in time after all of that...I do feel you will find love again. This time w/ someone who returns those feelings to you. In time, and only when you are ready for it. I know. Right now that seems impossible to you and nothing you want. But I believe if you allow yourself to do these things...you really could find and have love for yourself. You deserve exactly that.

Please take care of yourself. Love yourself. You deserve love.

-Angel

Well I'm still here so I didn't go through with it this time. I feel in a no-win situation and that I can't please everyone. I feel I'm a failure because I want to end my life but I also feel like a failure because I didn't go through with it. It probably sounds really pathetic to feel like I do at the moment - it's not like my problems are really that bad compared to problems some people have. It is just my inability to cope with them.

I resorted to my usual pathetic coping strategies last night and busted my arm up. I think I may have done some serious damage but I can't seek medical attention. I don't even really care that much anymore.

I'm sorry you are probably fed up with hearing about this by now and wish I would just do something......anything but I'm stuck by fear if I do and fear if I don't. I did get as far as writing a letter to my doctor but I can't send it. If I do I'll have to see him and I really can't cope with that. I'm so stupid. With my history of psychological problems if I admit I'm feeling suicidal again they'll probably lock me away and throw away the key.

Maybe there is just no helping me.

I know what it's like to feel like there is no hope for yourself. Years ago I was locked up in a p hosp for a long time I was so depressed and suicidal. But I am still here today.....and am glad that I hung onto life....thought the thread was slim at times.

Getting over certain issues was a fight...was a struggle. At times I didn't feel like i had it in me to keep on living. But I found out I did. And that yes...life could get better for me. But I was the one who had to take action and start getting myself out of the depression I was in. With the help of a few good friends and a great therapist I can now say that I am glad I continued my life's journey. It hasn't always been easy but it has been worth it. I hope you can find your reason for living. We all have it...a reason to stay alive. I think that our most basic need is that we all want to love and be loved.

So try to have hope, and when you can't let others stand in for you and encourage you. Even if you have to post a zillion times over it. YOU are worth it!!!!

Sweetngentle

You know when I said I didn't want to sound like I was belittling your pain by telling you that people have survived much worse? I want you to understand what I meant in saying that ok dear?! Because in your post you said you feel stupid feeling how you do when you know there are people out there going through so much more then you and I thought about what I said in my post from yesterday. And I want you to know what I meant incase you are thinking back to that. Because once again; it's not quite what I meant. Ok? What you are dealing w/ is serious and real and difficult to handle. When I said that people have survived far worse I was trying to...well...now in hindsight I see I could have found a better way to word myself but I wanted you to understand that other people have had to deal w/ very difficult things too and there are so many survivors out there. There are so many people dealing w/ so many things in varying degrees and many people have come through. I was trying to give you the idea of hey look...if other people have come through even greater things then you, you too can be a survivor. Not trying to say your pain is not great, because obviously what you have been through is a very big and complex and painful issue. But trying to say and you know what...there are people out there who have been through yet even larger and more painful loss and pain then that. And then even bigger pain then that. No matter what someone has been through, someone else can always say they have gone through something more and someone can always say they have survived it. HOWEVER. You never owe anyone to say "well your pain is worse then mine...here...you stand before me and grieve". We all have the right to handle our emotions and go through these things. No matter what our load to hold or reasons to hold it. Again. I just wanted you to get the idea that if someone else has been through something large and painful or whatever and survived it...see...you too can get through this. It is not insurmountable.

I'm VERY MUCH glad you are still here w/ us and glad you didn't make the choice to end your life. I know it was not an easy choice for you to make and I know although you made that choice you are still hurting. Obviously; I'm so sad to read that you hurt yourself though. I wish you could feel you could seek medical attention for that. I really believe they could help you and that it would be a positive experience.

I can't force you to make those choices. And you have those options availabe to you and know what they are. So I will just leave us here on this site as a safe place for you to come and talk to; how does that sound? Know that here you have people that care about you and want you to be around. Taran and Sadgurl mentioned some resources you can check out if you are interested. I'm not good at that, sorry. But if you are interested in more we can get more for you. Just ask! We can get more for you...we can also ask others on the board for their input too. If they don't see your message we can always send others here a private message and ask for their input as well. You have options and we can get you help if you want it. But until you decide that, again, at least seek us out here and talk as much as you want to ok. People here care about you. Know that much.

Hugs,
Angel