Suicidal

Dear Guest,

I also have been to that place where I don't have the emotional or physical energy to reach out and get help for myself. It's good that you are able to reach out on your computer. Depression can suck the very life out of a person. True? But no matter where you are at with meeting your needs you will have to still find the energy and courage to express yourself. Only in reaching out to others can we come back with a particle of gold ....some little ray of hope...that make this day worth living and a promise of a new hope the next day.

Please...I encourage you to post and vent your concerns freely at this site. There are some excellent people at this site who are terrific at sharing and helping.

Prayers and best wishes to you,
Sweetngentle

Thanks for your message. I feel so bad about dumping my problems here, onto other people. I'm just going mad sitting at home with everything that keeps going round in my head. I keep hoping tomorrow will be better but then tomorrow comes and it is still as bad. I didn't want to even get out of bed this morning. There didn't seem any point. I've been struggling with the need to self-harm and I've given in again. Once I started I couldn't stop. The more I did it, the more I hated myself for giving in and I wanted to punish myself more. I'm so weak.

I kept dreaming about my former tutor again last night and I woke up wanting to cry but I couldn't. I can't take this anymore. I feel so guilty for everything that happened and I feel even worse for hanging onto these feelings like this. I don't feel there is anything to look forward to and no future without her. I know that sounds pathetic because it is not like I ever had a relationship with her in the first place. I don't know why I keep torturing myself like this. I just feel my life is over. It's no wonder she didn't want anything to do with me. She probably never even like me in the first place but only felt sorry for me. I don't blame her. I don't even like myself, in fact I hate myself.

I am going to have to start hitting myself again. I don't feel I've done it nearly enough yet. It hasn't stopped these feelings. I need to do it until I can't feel anything but the physical pain. I wish I could just die. I don't want to live like this anymore. If I could just die I wouldn't have to worry about being the cause of more pain to other people. I want to kill myself but I don't want to hurt anyone else. I only want to hurt myself. I just want to stop feeling like this. I could just swallow all the pills and then it would be over. Why can't I forget about everyone else and do what I want to do? It would be so easy.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling all these depressing emotions and are so weighed down w/ things.

But you have to come to realize soon, if you have not already, that no amount of cutting or self harm is ever going to take away the emotional pain. And yes, I speak from experience as I used to cut myself. Until you get some counseling and start to work through your feelings, you won't escape the feelings you are going through. You need help dear one. Physical pain only masks the emotional pain, it only deviates you from the emotional pain TEMPORARILY. You will eventually come back to the emotional pain and not only will you still be left w/ the original pain but you will continually add to that pain each time you hurt yourself...all the guilt you create from having cut and the negative feelings associated w/ cutting.

I know you are convinced that if you die you wouldn't have to worry about being the cause of more pain to the people you leave behind. Well, you are right to a degree. You would be dead, so you would no longer be able to worry about the pain. But you are wrong in thinking that you wouldn't be causing those you love pain. And it's easy to convince yourself when you are feeling this low that no one loves you or would miss you. It's so easy to convince yourself that everyone would feel so much better if you just removed yourself from the world permantly, etc. etc. etc. But I can't begin to stress to you how wrong you are and I don't even know you. There are most certainly people you are going to leave behind that love you and will grieve you and hurt for you. You will leave them w/ so much pain and sadness, anger, confusion, an entire grieving process.

I lost a friend to suicide 12 years ago. I'm 29...he took his life when he was just shy of his 17th b-day. A very easy age to convince yourself that no one in this world loves you or could give a damm one way or the other about you. You can't begin to imagine how wrong he was. Oh he very much believed that even the friends he couldn't deny he knew liked him...well he just told himself that those people would "get over him and his death". Yeah? Well it's now 12 years later and I still hurt for him like he did this mere days ago. Some days I'm ok w/ things and have come to peace w/ his choice and just miss him like anyone misses a loved one who is gone. And other days I grieve so hard and cry so much and feel so sick inside, again, you'd think he had just gone. I still go through a range of emotions all these years later. And you know what...he and I were only casual friends. I can only begin to imagine what his loss is like for those who were his best friends and his parents, his sister who he had a very close and loving bond w/, his girlfriend at the time, etc. etc.

Look. I'm not trying to give you this huge guilt trip. I'm just hoping you can better understand that when you make the choice to take your life....you truly do hurt those you leave behind. And the pain does not fade away w/ time. You may learn how to live life and move forward, but you still hurt for the one you've lost everyday. Not a day goes by I don't think of him you know? ...Ok. Enough focus on him. I think you get my point. Not sure if I can reach you w/ Jason or not. But I pray I can. Even just a little to help you reconsider. Give some more thought to reaching out to someone and asking for help in all of this. And yes. I've been where you are too...as in depressed and suicidal. I know that feeling of not being able to crawl out of bed and I know the need to self harm and cut. I know it's not easy to ask for help and get help. But I know once you do, things truly can turn around and w/ work...truly can get better.

-Angel

Hi Angel

I get what you're saying about suicide. That's my dilemma. I'm already giving myself a huge guilt trip for even thinking about it. I'm trying to get by minute by minute, hour by hour but it is so difficult. I also know self-harm isn't the answer. I don't cut by the way, I've been banging my arms against walls and hitting myself with a hammer. At the moment it is the only thing I can do that's preventing me from overdosing, as well as talking on here.

You could be right, my life might improve but I know it would only be temporary. I've struggled with depression since I was 13 and had attempted suicide three times by the time I was 17. The depression might ease for a while but it always returns. What is the point when every day is a struggle?

I suppose some people might be upset for a while but at least my parents wouldn't have to worry about me being an embarrassment to them anymore. They wouldn't have to be disgusted by me just because I have feelings for another woman. I don't think I can cope with any more of their disapproval.

Getting help isn't as easy as it seems anyway. The doctors already have me down as a lost cause. I've seen psychiatrists in the past and they always give up on me. No one seems to understand the difficulties I have with talking. How can they expect counselling to work if they expect me to talk to them? The amount of time I've spent in sessions in complete silence because I've been unable to talk. In the end they accuse me of not wanting to talk and say I don't want to be helped. The people they send you to over here are always men which makes things even harder for me. I feel really uncomfortable with men at the best of times and can't discuss my innermost secrets with them.

I don't think there is any help. That's why I want to be able to die -not to have to kill myself. Then it takes the guilt away. It wouldn't be my fault. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want this all to stop.

Since you do not like to talk in counseling sessions have you tried things like meditation or religion? Some people get help through those things. Can you write things in a notebook to figure out what is going on and what to do about it? I get a great deal of help by writing in a journal.

My case is a little like yours in not being able to get much from counseling. I'm sure that I could benefit from going to a psychologist, but when I try they want me to go on drugs. I've had some bad experiences with drugs so I'm lothe to pill popping. Also, once a professional starts to hear my long, involved history of mental illness they do not seem to want to deal with me. I get the feeling that they think I will do something terrible, and they will be blamed. So, I've had to fight depression and anxiety without benefit of professionals or medication. Most people think it is not possible to do this, but I've done well with my life for many years. However, my way is time consuming compared to just taking a couple of pills each day.
Jim S

Dear one...it's like I said...it's not that I'm trying to lay this huge guilt trip on you...course I know...how else can it come off right?!! And it's not that I'm trying to come down hard on you for what you are feeling right now either in telling you about my story...I do hope you realize that. I would not mean to do that becaues I've been where you are and I can relate to what you are feeling. I would get that from people too....that attitude in their voice when they would yell at me and ask w/ that sarcastic tone "don't you know how selfish you are being?, etc. etc. Well again...I am not trying to come at you in that way when I share my story...I just very much, in a caring way, want you to realize that when you are feeling as you do it IS very easy to convince yourself you are this great burden and that when you leave this world no one will care. And so I shared my story not to leave you feeling more guilt...but just to hopefully help you realize that someone really will care.

so ok. I realize you have a greater issue going on in your case in that your parents are dealing w/ the idea that you have feelings for someone of the same sex. You know....I am sure very much this troubles them...but I doubt very much that it's enough for them to stop loving you. And I believe you can still work through all the issues. Yes. I realize it all takes work. But then it's a matter of do you truly want to die or do you want to put in the effort it will take so that you can wake up each day and enjoy life.

What you mentioned about the counselors. If you have counselors throwing up their hands and considering your case too much work or chalking you up as a loss cause...I simply don't buy that. Oh I buy that there are counselors out there like that, but I don't buy that your case is so complex that NO therapist out there can help you. You simply have not found the right person to work w/. You need to find someone, who first of all, does not have a full and overloaded case load. I think someone who has a complex history and is dealing w/ a lot and non-simple issues should not be working w/ somone who has a lot of patients and therefore, not a lot of time to devote to their patients. Depending where you live it might be a hard person to find, but I don't think it's impossible either. Again...it really depends on exactly how much effort you are willing to put into the idea of getting better. If you want to get better it will take a lot of hard work and effort on your part. You can't expect to take a pill and walk into a therapists office once a week and just magically get better. Boy I wish we could. It will take a lot of give and take from you working w/ someone. And Jims has good advice too. For some people ....a lot of religion and devotion to God never hurt either. Seek out God in all of this. But since I don't know how you feel about your bond w/ God...I'll leave that up to someone else to talk to you on. Anyway. I'll stop here for now ok!!

Hugs...take Care....
Angel

and by the way...I'm not sure if I've even said as much...but I really do care ok. Please know as much. Just because I don't know you personally....I do care...I'm just that type of person. I don't have to know you personally to be bothered by the fact to read that someone wants to end their life or feels a need to hurt themself. I just care. So know that if you end your life...you've got one person out there that doesn't even know you who would grieve for you.

DeAR gUEST,

I am so glad you are continuing to reply here!!! That is a good sign even through it may not feel like it at the moment.

I have been to a place where I would go to bed one night not wishing to waking up in the morning. I have tried many meds...counseling....etc. Everything seemed to be in vain for no relief actually came. But help did come in the mysterious equation of God's love for me and general counseling. The counseling gave me understanding of where I was and why. The religious aspect came in because I was powerless to do anything about myself...or so I thought. It was in working both with counsling and God that true healing has begun to occur...and I hope it will be the same for you too.

Take Care,
Sweetngentle

Dear Angel

I have listened to what you said and I have been thinking about it. I'm still here, at the moment.

You said my parents still love me despite their reaction to the fact that I love someone of the same sex. Maybe they do in their own way but it doesn't change the way they reacted, particularly my dad. I have been scared of him in the past, but that night I really thought he was going to hit me. He grabbed me and dragged me by the arm, telling me to get out of his house. He said he didn't was a freak living under his roof. He also called me a lot of other names that I can't even repeat here. Then he pushed me to the floor. I couldn't help but start crying which made him even more angry. He actually raised his hand to me but my stepmum stopped him. He went out of the room and then came back and through a bottle of pills at me. He told me to take them.

This may have happened a while ago now but it still hurts like it was yesterday. The memory still leaves me feeling anxious and scared. People tell me to ignore what my parents think and live my own life. They say I'm an adult now and I should do as I please. They don't understand what it's like when my own family think of me in this way. I know he threw the pills at me in the midst of an argument, but he wouldn't have done it if he didn't think I should do it. I don't believe you can just do something like that if you haven't thought of it at some time.

You ask if I want to put in the effort to work through my issues so I can wake up each day and enjoy life. The whole point is I can't remember a time when I have enjoyed life, not properly. I've suffered from depression from the age of 12/13. I've already attempted suicide on 3 occasions, the last time was some years ago but I have never truly been happy. I was happy during the time I knew the woman I'm still in love with but even that went horribly wrong.

I can understand what you say about finding the right therapist. The trouble is in the UK there isn't much choice about who you see on the NHS. You are just referred to a local psychiatrist or psychologist and I think I have seen a fair few of them over the years. They all give up. There may be some better private therapists out there but I am not able to work and cannot afford to see someone privately. I have thought of all the ways I could try to get help but each road seems to lead to a dead end.

I suppose there must be a small part of me still hoping that the answer is out there but I'm still feeling life is very difficult and I still have thoughts of suicide throughout the day. I don't really see there is a way out.

I appreciate you telling me that you care, even though I don't know you.

I agree that the faith and religion thing can help some people but I have to say that I'm not particularly religious and I don't believe it is the answer for me.

I just wish I knew what it is.

I'm so sorry your parents feel the way they do. I can't judge from not knowing them if they truly feel this way of you deep down or if they are just hurting and acting rash based on that initial hurt. I realize there are those in this world that once they learn someone chooses this lifestyle they will cut someone from thier life w/out EVER looking back. They can't forgive ...I mean in their minds...that is what it is...an act of betrayel and it can't be forgiven. And of course w/out knowing your parents personally: I can never know if your parents are the type that truly down deep love you and just need time w/ all of this or if this is something so deep and wrong to them that they will never learn to accept it or you and will have it cause a deep rift between you forever. And if they are the type of people that are going to let something like this come between you, then as hard as that is for you to bear, you need help in grieving the loss of your parents. I mean. Only you can know if your family is the type that can work back through this and find some sort of bond again. They may never be able to fully understand why you are attacted to women as opposed to men, but maybe in time and w/ someone on the outside, a professional, helping you together...you could find ways to heal as a family. However if you feel yours is simply not the type of family that could ever do that...some families simply are not...then you need to start fighting for yourself. Because whether you want to believe this or not....you are worth something. Being attracted to women does not make you $#%^. Now I'm not "gay" (I hope that is not a demeaning term..I don't mean it to be); but I hold no ill will towards those who chose that lifestyle. Your choosing this lifestyle does not make you worthless. So ok. The tutor that you have spoken of does not return your feelings. Now you are going to have to start accepting this and find a way to find closure about this. I know what I'm saying sounds so simply....oh lalala...just do this and that and life will be so simple!! I'm not naive!! It will take work. But if you start w/ some counseling...get w/ the right counselor....I will say that you really can get better and get through all of this. I know it doesn't seem possible right now. Of course it doesn't. Nothing seems possible when you are this far down. That's the whole point about depression. It keeps you down. But a therapist (counselor, what you want to call them)...they will help you work through what you are dealing w/...they will help you identify things...help you find positive ways to make changes. You might not be able to change the relationship w/ your parents....but if you can't.....your therapist can help you deal w/ the emotions you will have as a result of it not changing and help you find alternative ways to handle it...help you make changes in that area because of the fact that you can't change it....you'll find yourself making new decisions ...having new positive thoughts and ideas...you may possibly be put on an antidepressent of some sort that will help lift some of that depression you are going through. That medication is not a cureall to everything you are feeling and dealing w/. However...it can help lift some of the deep depression and tiredness you are feeling...some of that feeling of not wanting to get out of bed type feelings....the meds won't cure your issues but it helps take away some of the phsyical feelings of depression ...sort of to help clear your head so you are a little more free to deal w/ your issues. That's kind of how I like to think of meds. Helps everyone in a different way really. All depends on what meds you are on...why you take them, etc.

People are very quick to say...I could never go to counseling because I can't afford it. But that's not ALWAYS true. Now where I live they have a place called Unified Services. They have counselors there...some are just counselors, some are psycologists, etc. They charge you on a sliding scale based on what you can afford to pay. Now when I go there....I pay more then others but I have insurance. I go there because that's where I had to go to get my med needs taken care of at the time. Now I go to my medical dr. Anyway. I paid full price. But most people go who have no insurance and have very low paying jobs too. They pay based on what they can afford to pay and they have great payment plans too. IT's a sliding scale type pay...again...so I might pay the counselor one thing per hour because I can afford more...but client "X" might pay her another because they have no insurance and make a lot less an hour and can only pay certain times a month kind of thing. But we each need help. OR maybe they have 3 people in their house in counseling too. I'm the only one in my family there kind of thing. You get the idea. They are there to help more then make money. I don't know what your able to afford...and you don't need to tell me. I'm just saying if you fall into a category like this...and don't feel bad if you do...money is tight for lots of people for lots of reasons these days!!....see if any counseling place in your town offers something like this!!......ok....I just read your part of the post again about counselors in the UK...I'm sorry....I forget things so easily and I missed this in your post....does what I wrote apply to this part about where you live? I'll live this in my post and see what you think?

I know you said that you have not been truly happy for years. I understand what it's like to deal w/ depression going back many years. I'm 29 years old and my dealings w/ "depression" go back to the age of 10. At least. I was sexually molested starting when I was about 5 yrs. of age; by a family member. My best recollection of depression would be about the age of 10. I was sitting in the kitchen w/ my mom. I sat at our counter and I was so angry/depressed. I had my feet up on the counter...I mean to this day I have that image in my head and I could clearly describe it to someone if I had to is what I'm getting at here. But anyway...I just told her that I wished she and dad had never had me. And I know this hurt her because she had my brother, two years later my next brother, and 4 years later she had me. It went my brother, my brother, 2 miscarriages and me. She was ready to quit having children after my brothers. She was happy w/ 2 children but my father really wanted to have a girl. So she went along w/ that. And she had two miscarraiges. Then she REALLY wanted to stop. But dad really wanted to have a girl. She continued on for him. Not that I was not wanted mind you...it was just hard work to get me and then there I sat at the age of 10, in all seriouness, telling her I very much did not want to be alive. Course she didn't have a clue I had been molested. I used to start conversations all the time "if you only knew"...and then not finish. I used to cut all the time (razors to my wrists and so forth). I spent from the age of 10 through my sophmore year wanting nothing more then to take my own life. It was the most depressing and dark time of my life. Still have scars on my wrists. I did finally make some half-hearted attempts on my life my freshman and sophmore years of highschool. And my sophmore year I finally stopped one of my attempts and actually went to my parents and flat out asked for help. Signed myself into a hosptial for a month. The next two years of highschool were my best ever. But I deal w/ "cyclothymia", a mood disorder. And then finally was diagnosed w/ OCPD about 9 months ago or so...so that has explained a few more "mysteries" for me!! So I know I'll always deal w/ things in my life...but at least now I can get the right help....I take my meds and I don't have to live in this deep dark depression anymore. Sure...I have some days here and there. The OCPD can be a struggle to live w/. But at least I know what I'm faced w/ and w/ the right counseling...the right meds....everything to help keep me balanced and focused....I am able to enjoy my children, my husband, my friends, my family and my life. I'm not saying that I don't have bad days or that sometimes it doesn't get hard. But then even people who don't deal w/ a mental illness have bad days and ups and downs. Even people who are not diagnosed w/ "mental illness" have stress and hell even they have short term depression here and there and need pick me ups!! So I figure now that I know what I'm facing and have been taught how to pull myself up and am better prepared for all of this....when it starts to feel all to overwhelming...if I start to feel the OCPD sysmtoms get out of control and I feel like I'm forgetting how to balance it all again...I go back to my therapist...sort of like a refresher course!! Every now and then....like a very rare occassion...the suicideal ideation creeps back in...but it's short lived and has never been bad enough for me to run racing back to my counselor. I mean it's short lived. I deal w/ rage attacks. So I'm talking about short enough w/ in the span of a rage attack. IF it got bad enough...I have my plan that I go back to my therapist and I'd work it out. But my point is...all of this is now handled to the point that I can really truly enjoy my life and I could never do that before. sure. I'm diagnosed w/ these "labels" and they do mean some work for me. But it's to the point where I have it down to a plan in my life and it's become everyday for me now.

Look. I'm going on and on here!! I just really want you to understand that I didn't do all I did for myself over night. And I was really down too. I had lots of big issues to overcome for myself. It took a lot of hard work. Most recently my efforst were 2 1/2 years in coming. But I overcame and I now enjoy a lot in my life. And I just want you to realize that you can do this too. I know you have a lot of pain for yourself, but I truly believe that even for what you have spoken; it's truly not insuremountable. I very much believe that. And I very much believe in you. You sound in pain, but you sound like a strong person.

And as I've said before. Just because I don't know you does not mean I can't care!!

I understand what you are saying about trying to work things through with my parents. I am not saying they don't love me but they would never be able to accept any relationship I might have with a woman. I feel like to be accepted and loved I have to deny that part of myself and feel destined to spend the rest of my life alone. They don't know about recent events with my former tutor but would not understand. I am sure therapy can help some families but mine would not be willing to attend anyway. I've been in that situation when I was in my early teens and first tried to commit suicide. The whole family had to go to a psychiatrist for family therapy but my parents warned me not to talk about private matters with a stranger. They were more intent on trying to show the psychiatrist that there were no problems at home and that I had just swallowed the pills to get attention.

Unfortunately, they don't believe that people can have mental health problems, like depression and think it is easy to just 'snap out of it'. They don't understand my communication problems either and believe I choose not to talk. I wish things were different and they could understand my difficulties but I don't think they ever will. I see my friend with her parents and they are so close. She can talk to them about anything and they support her. It has never been like that for me.

Don't worry, I don't find the term 'gay' demeaning. One thing I would say though is that I didn't 'choose' to be gay as you suggested. Maybe I'm just touchy on the subject but I don't think anyone chooses to be gay, any more than someone chooses to be straight. I think I have always been this way and I am unable to change the way I am. All I am doing at the moment is living in a kind of limbo. I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me and wants nothing to do with me anymore and I feel like I'm grieving for her. I'm also unable to do anything about meeting someone who is available, partly because my social phobia prevents me socialising, and also because I fear the rejection and alienation from my family. I'm too scared to do anything about it and think I'll be alone forever.

I understand what you say about medication. It probably can help in the short term if I were able to see a doctor to get it. I feel too low to feel able to contemplate seeing my doctor and yet know nothing will change if I stay as I am. It would help if I had a doctor I could relate to but they are all men and I don't feel able to confide in any of them. I have considered the options you mention about counselling. I really need to see someone on the NHS but I've done the rounds of them all in the past. It doesn't help that they are all men and I felt they didn't really understand any of my problems. I would much prefer to see someone privately because at least I could choose who to see but it is the cost which makes this impossible. Some do offer sessions at reduced rates but I already have money problems and could not even afford the reduced rates. I feel at a dead end.

I feel I'm going round in circles and not getting anywhere. I also feel like a bit of a fraud because I realise that compared to some people my problems pale in significance. I don't really have anything to feel depressed about. I don't know why I have been depressed for so long and why I started wanting to kill myself at 13. I wasn't abused or anything like that. I don't feel I have any reason to be like this. I just know I have struggled with depression since that time. It just seems like I will never be free of the depression.

You say I sound like a strong person. I don't feel strong. I think I've very weak for not being able to deal with the problems I have. I think I should be able to overcome this depression without thinking of taking the easy way out by ending my life. I hate myself for being so feeble in giving in to self-harm every time life gets difficult.